June 10, 2008

• Photocopy Your Vagina at Work!

  Wanna be really cool?

  

  There are several levels of cool:

  1 - Cool as hell

  2 - So cool that stuff explodes as you walk by

  3 - So cool that you can call people of a different race racial slurs and have them think it's funny

  4 - Photocopying-your-vagina-at-work cool

  So...

  Approximately 3 people think my site lacks intellectual depth, but rather, is basically infantile and pornographic. That makes no sense. Very, very few infants have the hormonal development to even want to think about viewing pornographic material.

  But, I have to say this: I love critics. I love watching them squirm when I poke them. Then, they foam at the mouth and cuss out their computer monitors, which is vehemently cruel to the monitors. Poor monitors. So, dearest critics, I will now present to you a picture that will address all your concerns and creative suggestions:

  

  Here's some intellectualness for y'all:

  The other day, someone asked me quite plainly, "Who is killing
  the great chefs of Europe?" and I immediately pushed him into heavy
  traffic for asking such a question. I agree that my conduct was
  abominable, but you have to understand it was early in the morning, and
  I hadn't yet even had breakfast.

  Later, I revisited that
  question and did an independent study that took approximately 5 minutes
  and involved Wikipedia. Fortunately, I got a very important professor
  to rubber stamp my study as legitimate, thereby making it an official
  study with scientific merit. How did I get the professor to approve my
  study? Well, that's actually a funny story. I sucked his cock.

  So,
  anyhow, during my study, I theorized that by night, daytime television
  cooking show host Rachael Ray is a serial killer. When she's not doing
  her show, she morphs into a puma and applies her deadly throat bite to
  the necks of all those fancy French chefs who take things that nobody
  would ever eat, like dirt, and put it on a plate with a glass of wine
  nearby. This makes it into "cultured food". As you can imagine, the
  only way for American cooking (which tastes way better) to prevail is
  for Rachael Ray to strike a blow for delicious red, white and blue food
  by taking out all those snotty European chefs. It all makes sense now,
  doesn't it?

  You will never be able to watch her show without imagining her being an unstoppable secret assassin now.

  This also adds an insane degree of coolness to Rachael Ray. So, that had me thinking (amazing, right?) about how anyone could possibly be that cool. Not pseudo-cool like Diddy.

  So I went on a spiritual journey and meditated on a gigantic boulder in the mountains to find the truth. After fasting for many days, I had a vision. In the vision, I was eating a lot of food. Then I woke up and was ultra-pissed at the cosmic power of nature for not revealing some hidden truth to me. SON OF A BITCH. Later, I was watching a fan-made music video on Youtube and that's when I learned of the real truth. Guys always photocopy their butts to be funny. But what if a girl did the same thing? Then I understood this to be cool beyond all belief, so, if you're a girl, then you need to photocopy your vagina at work.

  If you don't, then you will spend the rest of your life wishing you had.

  
  

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  In English news...

  "Got Milk?" is incorrect. The proper way to phrase this would be "Doth thou drinketh of milk?" but since no one gives a rip about proper English anymore, we're stuck with stupid phrases, such as "Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee".

  I would like to propose a new slogan for milk that I think would not only be grammatically correct, but also will make milk "edgy" and "cool", especially among the lucrative young teenage demographic which everybody wants so bad:

  Milk: Fuck yes!

  Now, there are some obstacles to this slogan, such as not being able to say "fuck" on TV. That doesn't mean that milk can't advertise on the internet and certain radio stations, right?

  What baffles me is why advertising wants to reach kids so bad in the first place. They have less money than any demographic, including homeless people.

  
  

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  • 6:14 pm
  • 78 Comments