June 18, 2008

  • Just Go Ahead and Throw Your Brain In The Garbage Because It's Obvious You Don't Use It Anyhow

    I know people who play sports. It's true. Don't judge me. Anyhow, these people, while being great at hurling spheres and whatnot, have very, very anal personalities.

    Sure, stupid people are everywhere. You can find tons of them if you know where to look, like at Art Shows and in movie theaters, laughing hysterically at Judd Apatow movies, which you know they're going to be quoting for several months. The only way to stop them is to ask yourself WWBLD? (What would Bruce Lee do? Which of course, would be to ram your fist through their chest plate and pull the still-beating heart from their chest)

    But yeah,



    This gymnast is peeing mid-routine.

    This might seem random and not related to stupidity and anal people playing sports, but trust me, it SO is. I've watched reporters interview competitors, and they talk exactly like my sports-playing friends. They ALL say the same things:

    Reporter: That was an amazing performance, how do you feel?

    Player: Well, yeah, we played our best and won, it's great.

    Reporter: Talk us through the replay here.

    Player: Well, I was running, I had the ball in my hands and I jumped and put it through the hoop.

    Reporter: And what was going through your mind at the time?

    Player: Uh yeah, I was just thinking "I need to get the ball in the hoop and score this goal".

    Reporter: Well, great job on your win here today.

    If you've ever seen NBC's American Gladiator (Which I highly recommend you don't watch), you may immediately realize that all the competitors are all using the same jargon, such as "I'm gonna do this thing! Woo!", "I've got a lot of heart!", "He's a great competitor...", "It's tough... I just gotta be tough." and the ever-popular "That's how it's done!"

    Yes, the competitors are mostly brainless competing machines, who basically are getting themselves SUPER-PUMPED about playing a glorified version of "Nerf Ball".

    In a similar fashion, my sports-playing pals get very pumped about their various competitive activities, which is good, because it gives them motivation. That attitude then becomes counter-productive when they get injured and split their shin in half but want to continue playing. "I've still got one leg left! LET ME ONTO THE FIELD!" They'll say, while gushing blood all over the place. That I find to be over-the-top. I jammed my wrist playing football (What you filthy, filthy Americans call "soccer") and then, seriously aggravated that wrist while hitting a punching bag. I have no motivation to play sports until my wrist heals. Maybe I'm just not getting pumped enough. Maybe I'm not a good competitor. Or perhaps, it's because I inject a hefty dose of estrogen into my ass cheek every morning.

    Regardless, if you're that pumped, you often forget the injuries, the crowds, the fact that you have a huge wedgie, and everything else, including bathroom breaks.

    Oh yeah, she's pumped.

    Then...

    The moral of this post:

    "Use your brain. Take bathroom breaks."

    In Xanga News...

    DrugInducedDuck met with Lenin in Gorky in 1922. This photograph proves it.

    So Xanga,

    Do you use your brain on a regular basis?

Comments (101)

  • I try to avoid using my brain. Then all the stupid messages I get from people don't phase me as much.

  • Hey, atleast she feels good!

  • as little as possible.

  • and that HAS to be sweat, it doesnt look like she has a male reproductive organ. :shudders:

  • that's a lot of urine!  in the unreality one of course!

  • what's regular? is that a fancy word for often?

  • Epic fail. I love that phrase. I noticed the same thing in sports. A lot of athletes show such lack of judgment in their "profession' sometimes. Some are just plain annoying. I watched a post-game interview with three basketball players (all black) and each one mumbled. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

    Hey, are you Asian?

  • Are those crotchless or something?

  • Bathroom breaks are grrrrrrrrrrrreat!

  • only when doing xanga 

  • i use my mind 

  • that picture makes me go "TEEHEE". and no, i don't use my brain...ever, lol.

  • haha. In color/winter guard we say, "smack that shit". And same with injuries, we'll perform even if our hand is busted, sprained fingers, sprained ankles. Last year during finals one of our teammates ripped his toe open on an escalator, and he got stichtes and everything. He still performed. Yeah I guess you can say the audience and the love of the sport makes us forget about the pain. But we care/use our brains enough to use the restroom before we perform! haha, that is hilarious.

  • Hahaha, I didn't even notice the pee at first!

    Unfortunately I don't have a brain to use, my skull is filled with marshmallow.

  • so many sports are brainless, which is good because it makes the 'thinking' ones all the more fabulous
    (and yes, there are thinking ones)

  • Do I use my brain on a regular basis?   Well yeah I just keep thinking, "I gotta be tough and remember I've gotta a lot of heart, and I'm a great competitor."

  • oh- and theres this thing that some women athletes get that has a negative effect on their bladders- it kind of leaks when they are super active... basically- i know a girl that you never wanted to borrow shorts from :-O

  • Oh. My. God.

    I think I pissed myself.

  • when I can find it

  • ::merely shakes his head::

  • Am I the only one curious enough to wonder what score she received from the judges?  I may not use my brain on a regular basis, but I sure do the use bathroom on a regular one.

    You get eProps specifically for the photo of DID.

  • At that point I'm not thinking, "God she's so dumb." I just feel this pity which erases all other though that is summed up in the line, "God, that was on live TV...."

  • Lol, I often wonder if the steriods they pump into them has an effect on their enthusiasm and their belief they're invincible.

    If not, why are athletes so dang angry every time they get ready for a competition? And why do they want to kill their competitors?

    Mabye they pump testosterone in their Gatorade?

    Much madd love,

    Christian

  • Nevar.

    See, I can't even spell "never" correctly.

  • Ugh. I kind of feel sorry for her. That is truly a mortifying moment.

  • that's just really sad.

    I have noticed that about the reporters too. I think most of them moonlight for fox news tho.

  • I am definitely not using it right now

  • It's my ultimate dream to learn to spell with my urine in mid-air while doing a back flip.  That, my friends, is what I like to call "skillz to pay the billz."

    By the way, I think she was on a vault in that real picture, not a balance beam.

  • haha.

    I hope she won a medal at least.

    I'll pee myself for a shot at sports glory.

  • I have had to run really quickly to get to the bathroom between sets at a twirling competition. But I make sure to pee in the toilet, never in the middle of the routine. We don't have any dumb sayings in our sport.

    And I try to use my brain about 50% of the time. Otherwise it starts smoking and sets off all of the alarms in the house.

  • Love the pic of DID. Is it documenting the founding of the Klique?

    @CrazyXBeautifulXDisaster - You would be surprised what girls can do. I know I was when my daughter did it.

  • "Here goes Constellation Urine."

  • Good thing she wasn't a powerlifter. Oy!  Makes me wonder how many times she farted, too.

  • I think I need to get back on my brain age on Nintendo DS again..haha

  • I don't bother my brain and it doesn't bother me with bothersome thoughts. Fair deal.

  • Is that photo real?

    I keep meaning to do something with my brain but not getting around to it. I've used it before in the past here and there. But it's not seeing much action lately.

  • This post reminds me of ninja warrior.
    And that unbeatable banzuke thing.

    Those dudes are pretty hardcore.

    The peeing gymnast made me fall off my chair though haha.
    Good laugh before going to class.

  • peeing + gymnastics = more entertaining

  • What brain?  lol

  • You're so anti-everything! I want to know what you're not anti about ('cause that sentence makes total sense).

  • Judd Apatow is not allowed in my blogring. It's an actual rule and I enforce it.

  • Holy cow... that poor girl.

    I do try to use my brain, but it feels like I have cotton head most of the time... I think this is just the effect having young children and a lack of sleep has on people in general I think, it's unfortunate.

  • thinking is the enemy.

  • i doubt anyone in the world sucks at sports as much as me lol

    therefore since I would never play any sport w/ an injury, such as a hang nail

    i must use my brain YAY me (london tipton moment)

  • So. That bottom picture of DID makes me think that you are saying the first one is also fake. I'm confused, is it real or not? And if it is "real" how do you know it is? I don't see how it's possible for the pee to make a solid stream like that when she's wearing a leotard. /shrug. Doesn't mater, it's funny regardless.

  • brb, bathroom break

  • actually, reading this post made me want to go kick somebody's ass in some sort of sport and break my arm while doing it.

    great job, you gave me the exact opposite effect you intended
    it's ass kicking time

  • unless you're just being sneaky and that was your goal all along

  • I do, that's probably why it's Fried.

  • I don't use my brain, not even on xanga. Sorry. I have to admit. I don't want to waste brain cells. 

  • i tend to use my brain too much. Great post =D

  • I use my brain plenty, and I'm not sure the bland answers can be blamed on the athletes. There just isn't much to be said in such a situation; reporters shouldn't ask such stupid questions.

  • I can only imagine how distracting it must be know that you've got urine leakage while doing 23 1/2 flips while half your ass is hanging out on national television.

  • Ack, that picture is nasty!

  • hahaha, amazing that someone caught that photo.

    yes, my brain is actively used.

  • PeE ORgY!

    (will be doing the latter)

  • MS Paint rules!

    Being pumped is one thing; being dumb is another.

  • I use my brain when it happens to be functioning... the older you get, the less you can count on that happening on a regular basis. You also get less able to hold onto your urine (you bladder shrinks to the size of a pea, you have no muscle tone from popping out babies and your kidneys decide to go into overdrive), so I can so relate to little Miss Fountain.

    You also never get "pumped" enough to continue anything after an injury... you just don't heal willy nilly anymore, so must take those pesky broken bones and strains so much more seriously.

  • My brain has been taken over by small furry animals that like cookies.

    Peeing gymnast, haha, good one.

  • Sometimes. Sometimes I get crazy after an injury. My arm was hanging from my shoulder at a weird angle and I didn't notice. "Let me go! I'll kill that bastard!"

    Then, there are times when I notice the injury and want to get the fark outa there. Coaches though, holy crap.

    "Why do you want out?"
    ....I can't move my arm. It's out of the socket.
    "Can you move the other arm?"
    Yeah.....
    "Then quit complaining and get out there!"

    cue me hoosing to push my shoulder back in rather than face three *more* plays with one functioning arm. Oh yes, that coach cost me an entire season. Friggen surgery....

  • This country is WAY too "pumped up" on sports!  Man ... you never hear about anyone using "brain enhancers" to ace a test do you??  Nah - we'll use steroids to win a ball game and drugs to screw up our minds, instead.
    Ugh.

  • so, as it turns out, duck was a commie double agent all along. 

  • How does doing that make them anal? I thought anal meant neurotic.

  • Hey...I am not an airhead/dumbass athlete and I quote Judd Apatow movies...well only Knocked Up and Superbad.

    Excellent post, as usual.

    I missed this while I was in South Carolina.

  • All the time, man, all the timeeee!

    :P

  • haha. i love the cartoons you made

  • Well, would you admit, "Yes...  Uhm...  I did pee...  I want to kill myself now; unless all the judges give me perfect 10's, as they will never see something as disgusting as that again..."

    On the brain issue; I do hope so; if it's not my brain controlling my uncontrollable functions, then what is?

  • lols. mute

  • that peeing gymnast picture is truly epic lol

  • brains are overated!

  • grah!! why didn't my come out bold? xanga needs to work on that...

  • I use my brain as little as possible during summer :]

  • But sometime I get a little excited..

  • Blogging... THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE, ABF!! WOOO!! WOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YEAHHh!! IT WAS TOUGH OUT THERE, BUT YOU MOVED YOUR FINGERS, YOU THOUGHT IT THROUGH, YOU HIT THE BUTTON, AND YOU MADE IT TO THE END!!!

    IT WAS TOUGH, BUT YOU DID IT.  WOOO!!!!!

  •  I coulda been a contenter but I pissed myself instead.

  • Bathroom breaks are definitely good!

    I try to use my brain at all times, but sometimes it just shuts down after thinking too hard.

    Love the picture of DrugInducedDuck.

    Have a great day, Nori!

  • Dear Nori,

    I don't know if they make "Depends' brand jock straps, but since the athlete in question is female, that's a moot point.

    You can tell the photo of the "drug induced" guy and Lenin is faked, because of the angle, size, and resolution of the "drug induced" guy, which doesn't match that of Lenin.

    I'm not fooled.

    Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool

    (resistance is futile) 

  • it hurts!

  • very keen observation. on the sports interview AND peeing gymnast pic. hahahaha....

    my brain fails me after 6pm (mons to fris) and all of sundays.

  • That photo is fricking amazing.  Yikes...

  • I use my brain as much as I use my sex slave. End of story.

  • Haha, like the picture at the end, reference to the Lenin Stalin doctored photo. XD.
    Yeah, some people still go when they have major injury which is kind of insane.
    I can do minor but if it comes back again after the first time; I stop.
    But then again that also goes iwht the saying; Know your body and what kind of pain it can take.
    Sometimes, people injure themselves to a opint the pain receptors stop working and they go t the doctor and doc says "wow if you had put anymore pressure, your ankle would've been broken"

  • I use a toilet pretty regularly, too!

  • I have to use my brain. I didn't pay for school for nothing.

  • Wow, thats quite a strong straight stream considering it had to pass through her tights.

  • Yeah I do. Occasionally.

  • 10% inspiration, 90% urination...

  • i have a post for those i left out in my current entry...but i'm holding out on publishing till i get 50 comments....hint-hint.

  • What exactly is wrong with Judd Apatow?

    God forbid somebody make a funny movie every now and then instead of sacraficing their dignity on the altars of Jim Carrey or Will Ferrell.

  • What's a brain?

  • I can't think of an awesome comment for this post.  It seems you've distracted me.  Darn you.

  • LoL... I LOVE IT!!! Hilarious ABF!!!

  • Good old Vlad and I go way back. We met when I was stationed heading a Georgian labor camp back in '21, just after the civil war. The man could drink, that's for sure.

  • So sad .....  

  • Yes but sometimes I leave it at home.

  • Sport: by stupid people for stupid people. I've stopped even pretending I'm anything but superior.

  • gotta admire the pee'ing while flying thru the air... and effort put into doing your own drawings means extra xanga cred'!

  • rofl epic fail indeed, a lesson that should be learned for everyone. I  wonder what the judge thought when they saw it close up :D

  • also totally related, i laughed then sighed after reading this. the sound of the sigh reminded me of old men who cant control their bladders. or robin williams and hes getting close. you also remind me of robin williams cause he cracked me up when i was little.

  • and no i dont

  • I try to use my brain as often as possible then the nagging cricket will stop talking to me (He He).  "Go get em team! Gotta give it 110%"

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