September 13, 2009

  • LOLWTFOMGBBQ ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE GG NOOB

    Well, shit. It's September.

    The eleventh came and went, and there were so many documentaries depicting blurry passengers screaming inside a blurry cockpit as blurry terrorists took over a blurry plane in a blurry reenactment of the events that transpired that day. Aside from the blurry reenactments, there were also photo montages of various events, actual phone calls made, and interviews with the TV-whore family members of the victims, who usually say "I just couldn't believe it. It didn't feel real."

    I really think it's time to let go. You have to put the past in your behind, and that means not letting trauma keep you down forever.

    It's also Christmas shopping time. That's right; people shop for Christmas now. "Those fools." you must be thinking, "Christmas is then, not now! Elle, oh Elle." but let me just interject by saying it's a free country, and anarchy reigns. Packs of wild dogs roam the streets. There is no law.

    Actually, it's an expensive country, but there's a pretty good reason to go shopping for Christmas now: The holiday season is like that herd of wilderbeasts that killed Mufasa. At 4 in the morning, the doors open for the "special holiday deals", and hundreds of crazed, strung-out people begin running at full speed to get into the store. Sometimes they even warm-up for this stampede by doing various hamstring stretches and jumping jacks, because nothing sucks more than not getting to the deals fast enough AND pulling a calf muscle. Or tearing your groin. Occasionally, you have to camp outside the store for a few days to secure your place in line, but at least you know that the new "Grand Theft Auto: Amish Gang Wars" copy will be yours after suffering through 48 hours in the bitter biting cold as Old Man Winter molests you in your own bed with his icy penis of frigid coldness. That's another thing, the weather. It's awful. Some days, the roads are covered in ice, or snow. Sometimes it's snowing. Sometimes the wind chill is -85 degrees. Sometimes a giant ghostly lion appears in the clouds (A third 'Lion King' reference? What the fuck?).

    The worst part, though, is the people. All the stores are packed to the ceiling. I open the doors, and people come spilling out. People are running around in huge numbers, getting into fights, and occasionally starting small fires out of sheer frustration. They're all over the roads like a 75-year-old Asian Woman trying to text her bff jill while eating a cat or something. The traffic is so perilous that it would be safer to fling yourself from a really big catapult to your destination, and hope you land on something soft, like a super marshmallow. People are always getting trampled to death and dying in fiery explosions because of the insane amounts of insane people rushing around to purchase gifts.

    That's why this year, I'm shopping early. Hakuna matata.

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