January 7, 2010

• Apples and Oranges: Which one is better

  It's oranges. Don't even read the rest of this post. It's just fucking oranges. I mean, Apples are pretty good in their own right, but they can't tango with oranges. Sorry, Apple lovers, but you should just admit you were totally wrong to think apples were better all this time. In fact, I'll bet you're chuckling to yourself right now and thinking "Oh, you're so right. How did I not realize this sooner? I should have paid attention more in my agriculture class." or, you're one of those crazy idealots, in your basement, clinging to a barrel of apples with a large gun nearby, and still think the world is a flat pancake created by a giant grill cook in space. I can't convince everyone, because there even some people who think Hitler was right. We all know Hitler was super duper wrong. It's almost easy to make fun of Hitler-advocates, but remember, they're people too, and in a more politically-correct age, they will be called the Morally Challenged and will have their own small bus to cart them off to school.

  First, if you wanted to stuff your bra to make your boobs appear to be larger, what would you use? Apples, or some good old-fashioned American citrus? Don't even answer that rhetorical question aloud as you sit in front of your computer alone in your underwear while eating a bowl of Chocolate Werewolf-Os. The answer is oranges, but also lemons if you want your nipples to stick out for some reason. Or grapefruits if you have a really bad inferiority complex. I guess you could go with a pair of small melons, but that would be comically large, and no one would believe you, Jessica. Just kidding. Or am I.

  If you are struck with the Swine Flu/Bird Flu/Mad Cow Disease/Barnyard Cat Measles, what is the first thing you think of taking? That's right: Vitamin C, Chicken Soup, and a Soda On The Side. Where does Vitamin C come from? Look it up on the internet, you dildo. Oranges. This winter season, when Dr. Mario fails to throw the correctly-colored pills onto the red, blue and yellow germs in the proper combination, and you're struck down in your prime by a deadly virus, don't try to eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away. He just stays away because they don't make house calls anymore.

  Now let's talk about apples for a second. Did you know that an apple put a young Swiss boy in mortal danger from arrows? Did you know that New York is called The Big Apple? This is because the people in NYC are very rude, especially on the subway. Xanga happens to be headquartered in New York, and the Xanga logo has the colors red (For apples) and orange (For oranges, duh) right next to each other. Well, guess how they came up with that logo? Well, it's not a glaring lack of creativity as you previously thought, but rather, symbolism for the forces of the universe: Water, Oranges, Apples, Sunlight and Grass Pokemon, in order of importance from left to right, with the LEFT being far more important. Water, obviously, is the source of all living things, much like the force*, but also, the source of death for Leonardo DiCaprio. That movie is over ten years old. Fuck. Next in order of universal balance is ORANGES. Yes, I said it, because I guess no one else had the vertebrae to do so, knowing they'd be flamed hard by those right-wing fundamentalist apple-lovers who cling to their pies.
  
  Which do you think is better: Apples or Oranges? Here's a hint: Oranges.

  
  * - footnote: while writing this, I googled "The Force" because I thought it would be funny to link to some geeky Star Wars fan page, but I accidentally typed "he force" and one of the search options was "He forced himself into me", and I was like "Uhm.... okay." and... yeah.

  • 3:23 am
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