June 29, 2010

• How To Escape From Rehab

  

  Get ready to poop your pants.

  Well, it finally happened. The police found you in a hotel room handcuffed to the bed dressed in a cactus-mascot costume with the Lincoln memorial's stolen head in your car, which is also inside the hotel room somehow. There is no huge hole in the wall, the car is just in there somehow, and when questioned, you say you didn't remember anything after you crushed some stale candy corn and Advil and snorted it.

  Then, out of the blue, a prosecution montage begins. The Jury saids up and says "We find the defendant guilty of being a dick." and the Judge pounds his gavel and says "I am going to make an example out of you, you piece of scum, you herpes-like growth on the lips of society, you sock-filled present in under the Christmas tree of order, you slimy fish on the pizza-topping list of our peaceful community. I hereby sentence you to eight million hours of community service, and thirty days in Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, where an audience of millions of adoring fans will root for you as you go through an emotional journey to put your life and your career back together. Oh, you're not a celebrity? Well, sorry (No, I'm not) but you'll just have to go to regular rehab, which is in the basement of a gym where very large ladies who frequently fart out of their vaginas go to practice sexy dancing to burn off their flab and turn it into fab." Then he pounds his gavel again.

  Well, you're not totally screwed.

  Your first thought is that you will probably die being separated from your one true love, drugs. Your second thought is that there might be drugs in the afterlife, which comforts you. Your third thought is that you need to escape. Don't worry, that's where my expertise comes into play. You need a plan, however, you've eating magical mushrooms so your brain is unable to think normal thoughts.

  "But wait," you say "I'm here because of alcohol, and because I slapped a hooker with a 'I'm  #1' giant finger while under the influence."

  Well, that's okay too.

  First, don't try and throw a chair through a window. If you jump through the window, you'll probably be cut, and they can just follow the trail of blood to where you're hiding, because you can't run for long while withdrawing from drugs. Just get that idea out of your head.

  Second, don't be unruly and poop in the pee-cup. That will just cause the administrators to have you thrown in jail.

  The solution to rehab to exploit it's greatest weakness: Their faith in their process, and the flimsy walls. What I'm saying is, you should cause no ripples, stay off the radar, and be friendly to everyone, but meanwhile in your room, you need gnaw through the wall. With your teeth. Be sure to cover the hole with furniture in-between sessions of intense gnashing as you chew through 2 feet of wood, fiberglass and drywall to freedom. If anyone asks why the furniture has been moved, just say you're OCD and all the furniture needs to be facing a certain direction and that it helps you stay calm.

  Chewing through the wall takes a lot of time, so you need to be cool in the meantime. Wait until you're done detox-ing before starting the hole, otherwise, you'll puke too much, and the puke will harden into a crust that will impede your process. Also, go to all the meetings and pretend you're having all these breakthroughs and blame your drug usage on your parents.

  Question: So, why do you think you have the compulsion to abuse drugs and alcohol?
  
  Wrong: Because they're awesome.
  
  Right: My father was abusive towards me at a young age.

  As long as you blame everything on your parents and pretend to be having all these breakthroughs, then you'll be fine.

  Once the hole is complete, just bolt. Make a mad dash to a close friend or relative's house where you can hide out until nobody cares anymore. Did you know that if the police don't find you within 72 hours, they stop looking? It's true. They consider the trail to be "cold".

  Once that is done, FREEDOMMMMMMM!!!!!

  • 3:21 pm
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