March 31, 2014

• Dildos

  

  It's time to have a mature conversation.

   

  Hello,  I'd like to talk to you about our Lord Jesus Christ. As you may know, there have been a lot of disasters happening in the world, and we have that Iraq or Afghanistan thing, and there was that thing on the news about that Middle Eastern place with the war near Israel and we all know China is about to ching-chong-chang on our asses, so the end times are getting close. So close that if I stuck out my tongue, I could taste the end times' crusty stench in my mouth. Think about it. Whales getting washed up on beaches? What's up with that?

  I'll tell you what that is. A sign.

  So I think we need to repent and stop using dildos. Whether you use it to pleasure your pussy, butthole, mouth, earhole, belly button, eye socket, nostril, I respect that. I mean, getting your daily fucking is just good, clean family fun that I believe everyone can get behind, sometimes literally. I mean, sometimes you're just sitting in a meeting and your boss is talking leverage in the energy exchange market and regulatory arbitrage, and you just find yourself thinking "Bro. I could use a fuck right now." but you can't raise your hand and ask your boss "Excuse me, Mr. Martin, may I be excused for a moment? I need a good fuckin'." and expect that to go well.

  There's a reason our society makes it so you can't talk about sex: it is evil. It is a vile, nasty, horrible action that is completely disgusting. I can't even understand how someone could think sex was something worth fancying, even remotely. This is gonna be graphic, but I'm going to tell you how sex happens, just so you understand what we're dealing with here: First, two people get like totally naked in front of each other with no shame at all, like none. I would be so embarrassed, I'd never be able to speak again and would take a vow of silencia. Then one of them lays down on grass, and the other one poops onto the other person's chest. So, okay, that is just way too much for me. Poops belong in the toilet, not on my chest or anyone's chest. Some people have told me that I'm wrong and that I've "been watching the wrong videos", but I'm pretty sure I got it right when I typed "Videos of shitty sex cuz sex is shit" into Google.org to do a little bit of research.

  And you know what? They're goddamn right. I have been watching the wrong videos. I think instead of people fucking, they should just dildo themselves until it hurts, like really slam themselves so hard that they're screaming out in sheer agony, but won't stop. This will create the mental connection in their head that sex is destructive to their body, so they will stop it, and start doing good things like reading fairy tale books like Pinocchio, which is a true story about a piece of magical wood that was carved into a puppet, whose selfish ways land him into all kinds of trouble, and guess what? Pinocchio used his wooden nose to fuck himself throughout the whole story and had a tradesman drill a hole into his "butt" area so he could slam his wooden nose into his wooden hole until he was screaming out crazy obscenities that made no sense.

   

  What you have just read is the paper I read in my speech class that received a standing ovation and brought tears to my teacher's eyes. She said it was "the most beautiful thing she had ever heard in 40 years of teaching" which was weird because she was 53 years old. I received a 100% on my speech, and my fellow students said they were really inspired and moved by my paper. The teacher asked if it could be used as an example piece for future students to read, and I had to inform her that I could not allow my art to be tarnished by a bunch of giggling Freshmen who would not be able to appreciate the depth of my work, that it was timeless, and that eventually, I would go on to give the same speech in front of millions on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

  Then I took a sip from my can of root beer.

  The end.

  • 4:54 am
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