Wednesday, 17 September 2008

• 10 Things That You Can Do To Get a Job That Might Actually Work

  If you didn't read my last post, I highly recommend you don't. It's not that good. But, if you did, you probably were wondering if I could do a post how to actually get a job, instead of blowing it.
  
  I must admit, it's certainly more fun screwing up your interview, but alas, there are things that must be paid for, like food, insurance, the electric bill, the car, cellphone, bacon, lottery tickets, pads, booze and candy. Then, you have all your extra luxuries, like video games and prostitutes. These things aren't cheap and money doesn't grow on trees, so much to everyone's dismay, work must be done.
  
  So, here are 10 things you can do to help you win at the interview:
  
  1. Smell nice, but not too nice. Your scent must be enticing, but subtle. You don't want to overwhelm the interviewer with your lemony-freshness or they might pass out and then you'll have to call an ambulance.
  
  2. Make sure your teeth are brushed, your face is shaved and all your gang tattoos are covered up. All these little things, like combing your hair, can help. Imagine you're a knight going out to slay a dragon, such as Sarah Palin. You need to get prepared by having armor and a sword and all that crap.
  
  3. If you're not sure what to wear, overdressing is always better than underdressing. In fact, why not go in a tuxedo? If you're a girl, you should still go in a tuxedo. A purple striped one.
  
  4. Don't lie on your resume. Companies have armies of agents who are making sure everything is legit. They cannot be stopped or thwarted. I doubt they're even human.
  
  5. Smile and sit up straight. Speak the Queen's English and not "Yo, I gots ta have dis job cuz I gotta make bread so I can get down wit da sticky sticky, ya'ow what I mean, boyyyyy?" You do so because you want to be respectful of the person interviewing you. You want them to be at ease with you. Don't offer them a blunt.
  
  6. Show confidence. This is where all those karate classes are going to come in handy. Look into the interviewers eyes and into their very soul. Speak audibly, but not more than 35 decibles.
  
  7. Be sure to take all your medication before the interview. For example, let's say you have explosive diarrhea. Nothing is more awkward than running off to the bathroom during an interview except for staying with interviewer and shitting your pants. If that happens, though, you should say to them "Well, sir/ma'am, I could've ran to the bathroom, but instead, I chose to shit my pants. I shit my pants for you, because I'm serious about getting this job."
  
  8. Pretend that you're really interested in working for the company. Do some research and find out what they make. That'll really impress the interviewer, for example: "I love McDonald's. You guys are such an exciting company and I've heard nothing but good things about how great your workplace is! I also understand you guys make hamburgers. I love hamburgers."
  
  9. Ask lots of questions to make it seem like you want to learn. Make sure the questions are about the place of employment, and not "So, do play Call of Duty 4?", because they probably don't. No one plays that game, Rob. Uh, so anyhow, just think of anything you can, like "So, how do they clean the sludge out from under the freezer units? I've always wondered that." because it's related to that job.
  
  10. Blow your interviewer. That's right. Slide over to them and say "When I look into your eyes, I see something... beautiful..." then start making out with them. Slide one hand down and... yeah. That should get things going enough for you to perform the dark deed upon them, thus ensuring you get the job, because they'll want moar. This works quite a bit better when the person is of the opposite sex as you, just because statistically, homosexuals only make up about 10% of the population, so the odds aren't really in your favor unless you go to certain parts of certain cities.
  
  

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  You'll notice I mentioned Sarah Palin in this bit. That's because I believe she is evil and is building a laser to blow up the sun. However, Chris Crocker has something to say:
  
  
  
  
  Anyhow, if you didn't know any of this stuff already, now you do and you have no excuses for being such a bum.
  
  Good luck getting your jobs!
  

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