Thursday, 28 May 2009

  • If You Are Reading This Blog Entry... You ARE The Resistance

    YOU BITCHES. YOU BITCHES!!!!  


    I, of course, am talking to the makers of those long-ass Celebrex commercials that never end; you know, the ones where the outlines of all the animation is actually legal type that explains that Celebrex will fucking kill you if you take it. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Celebrex, it is a prescription pill that allows you to perceive the meaning of the universe or some crap like that, and it was presented in these commercials where old people were doing Tai Chi in the park. And they were all smiling.

    The something awful happened. Someone took some Celebrex to make their weiner longer and harder, and he died. This lead to a lawsuit. After the lawsuit, Celebrex got a lot of bad publicity and they pulled all their commercials off the air.

    Unfortunately for the drug company, they had all this Celebrex laying around in huge piles. They would often look at each other, bewildered, and go "What are we going to do with all this Celebrex?" and they tried to do several different things with it, including burning it, eating it, using the pills as cat litter, and finally, using massive quantities of the pills to plug holes in damaged levees.

    Eventually, they decided to try selling Celebrex on the open market again rather than in darkened back alleys to screaming psychopathic vagabonds on skidrow who always think spiders are crawling all over them when in fact, there is nothing there. But, because of the lawsuit, Celebrex has to air these ridiculous 16-minute commercials that explain that Celebrex is safe, yet dangerous, essentially saying "There's a pretty good chance that this product will not kill you, so go ahead and buy it. Also, interesting fact: more people die by falling off step-ladder than from our product. How you like them apples, bitch?"

    Celebrex Stats:
    type - pill
    side effects - instant death, brain damage, your soul will be sold to Satan, Lord of Darkness and Fallen Angels


    Something similiar happened with Yaz. Originally, it was advertised as a birth control pill that one could take to stop bloody eggs from sliding out of their uterus every month. Or so we thought. The commercial ran something like this: A bunch of gal pals are at a party together just having fun, when one of them bursts into a spontaneous, uncalled-for monologue about the benefits and risks of Yaz. The commercial's creators attempted (and failed) to make the conversation seem more authentic by making the girls listening to the salespitch go "Wow, you really know your stuff!" Indeed, girls, she knows her stuff. After this, the salespitching girl goes "I didn't go to medical school for nothing!" and laughs hysterically, and then adds "But seriously, ladies, talk to your doctor about Yaz." and why the hell were they talking about Yaz at a party? Oh right. It's a party. Time to get drunk and then get fucked in some stranger's bedroom. Imagine telling your child where they came from. "Why aren't you and Daddy married?" Little Marie would ask, to which you would reply "Well, we were never really in love. I just downed hen like there was no tomorrow, and stuff happened, and then you came along." and then you would turn to the camera and say "And that ladies, is why you should talk to your doctor about Yaz."

    Anyhow, I guess some girls took Yaz and it turned their vaginas into a forsaken hellscape from the netherworld. Then there was a lawsuit, and now the girl from the party who did the salespitch now has to do another new commercial explaining that she failed to inform girls that Yaz was designed to make your ass bigger or something. I don't know. I think there's a pill that does that.

    Oh wait, it's called cake.

Comments (67)

  • Give eProps (?)

  • New! You can now edit your comments for 15 minutes after submitting.