I have a lot of unshared thoughts about Xanga, but damn it, this is my freaking blog, so I'm just going to share some... uh... stuff.

First, my incurable cynicism (sorry, guys... I just have an affinity for pessimism). I think Xanga is fairly close to being dead. I really feel like after Xanga was sued by the FCC for One Million Dollars, it really just crushed the determination and drive of the site's leadership to maintain their growth. I'm sorry to say it, too, because I really love Xanga, and have been using it for four years now and after that much time invested, I've gotten attached to it, and at first, I was really depressed about what was happening, but I think I've made peace with it now, so whatever happens, I'll blog on Xanga all the way to the very last day if, God forbid, the site simply can't maintain itself anymore.

I know some people don't believe in growth and say "I like the small community feel", and to them I say: you're in luck, then! The community is about to get quite a bit smaller!

Oh, but just as a sidenote, I noticed the "publish to facebook" feature, which is definitely a step in the right direction.

Anyhow, there's nothing I can do about any of that. I could go crazy spamming Xanga everywhere on the internet, but I feel like that would be like taking a bucket and trying to make a new ocean.

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I'm sick of being called a "xangalebrity". I'm kind of sick of being popular on Xanga in general. I'm sick of people obsessing over me, because it's kind of creepy and scary. If they enjoy it, good. If they obsess over it, not good. I've told them to chill out, but they don't listen to me.

Next, I'm sick of people telling me "You need to post more." Really? I need to post more? YOUR MOM NEEDS TO POST MORE.

Next, there's this. I get these stupid comments/messages, like this latest one. Here, enjoy:

Everyday on Xanga, I receive hundreds of letters by people asking me questions such as "Please read my latest post, guys!", "I have a new site guys. It's colours___clashxx. Friend and sub.", and of course "How do I write those awesome official guides that everyone does?"

And it's true. Everyone seems to do them, therefore, they're definitely worth writing, because people love lists. My theory is that lists remind them of grocery lists, and grocery lists remind them of food, and people like food. There's even a Xanga sistersite that is devoted to blogs from people who have sex with food. While my religion prevents me from endorsing human-food sexual relationships, I found their stories fascinating. But I should say that in the Old Testament, they'd be stoned for that. Stoned. In the Old Testament. Don't forget it.

Note: I briefly considered saying "...and food reminds them of bacon, and bacon reminds them of Kevin Bacon." but I didn't, but then decided to put it into a note.

Therefore, I give you

The Official Guide To Writing Official Guides

Alright, so you want to write an official guide? Well, if you plan to write one, it needs an interesting intro to lure readers into your e-beartrap, and starting that intro with a relatable rhetorical question. Trust me, just go with the rhetorical question until you've practiced your English Skillz to the point where you make a rhetorical statement, or perhaps even a rhetorical exclamation. Don't try either of these until you have plenty of experience with rhetorical questions, or else you'll make yourself look like an idiot in front of all your friends, and it'll be soooo embarrassing, like that time you got your pants pulled down at that party, but your pants also dragged your underwear down with them and everybody totally saw you. Yeah.

- Next, be sure to declare your guide "official", which is obviously false, because I'm almost certain you need to blow a ton of money on a university to be able to make your guide actually official. What's important is that you make "official" ironically, because then you'll make yourself appear to be witty.

- Be sure to pick a topic that is popular, such as dating and friendship. Or food, because food is good, amirite? Try to avoid controversial subjects, like "The Official Guide to Aborting Your Baby", because a bunch of bored mothers with nothing better to do with their time will get all butthurt. Then, they will write a counter-post telling their 13 subscribers how incredibly tasteless and god-awful you are, and then you'll have to kill yourself with a pen.

- Also, avoid confusing topics, such as "The Official Guide To Starting Your Own Caribbean Island Dictatorship", because IT WILL CONFUSE THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE. As your loyal readers struggle through the post, they will begin bursting into tears, and then, projectile bleeding ala Kill Bill. That reminds me, I want Uma Thurman's yellow jumpsuit. I would wear that on casual fridays, that is, if we ever get casual friday back, which I strongly doubt will happen after what happened. But I don't want to talk about that. I'm trying to block it out.

- Organize all your tips into neat little bulletpoints, where you start with the tip, and then explain the reasoning behind it. The reasoning is fairly important, because you have to convince people why they should follow your advice. If you don't explain yourself, your bulletpoints will look like this:

- Paint your walls red.

- See? That doesn't make any sense without some explanation. Suppose in a previous bullet, I said "Avoid confusing subjects" and didn't elaborate further. You'd probably say "Jigga what?" because you wouldn't know what the fuck I was talking about.

Finally, all good guides should end with a good conclusion. It's important that you tell people to be creative, inventive, etc., or whatever to make people think you care about their individuality. Then you should offer a warning that your tips don't work for everyone to create a layer of legal protection, because if someone's mother becomes impaled with a Jack Osbourne bobble-head doll because of your stupid-ass guide, then you're getting sued, as we live in a obnoxiously litigious society. Oh yeah, one more thing. At the end of the post, in big black thick letters, write the following:

Please recommend this post if you liked it!
Because then INTARNETZ FAME IS YOURS!

In life, so many people want to be NUMBAR ONE. However, a lot moar people don't even bother to try to get to number 3.

What do you think it takes to be the absolute best at something?

Sometimes, I really don't want to grow up. I mean, first of all, I'm a Toys-R-Us kid. More importantly, though, I'm kind of scared of it. Before I bear my soul to all you delightful internet people, let me explain how I personally define being grown-up.

Being an adult has nothing to do with putting your stuffed unicorns away (tear), usage of ball pits, riding a golden motorcycle, running "the gauntlet", or increasing your age number, because I know a lot of adults who act extremely childish. Being an adult is about considering the consequences for your actions, and taking responsibility for yourself. For example, if I was acting like a child, I'd drive over the speed limit to go to the gas station BECAUSE I NEED GUM NOW, get pulled over, and when the cop asks me "Do you realize how fast you were going?", I would respond with "Do you realize how fast your face was going?"

If I was acting in an adult manner, I'd drive the speed limit, obey the law, and be respectable when the situation calls for me to be respectable. I know a lot of people who say "Yo, bitches, I tell it like it is, cuz I ain't afraid to say what on mah mind." and as much as I genuinely appreciate honesty and openness, I would say someone who just opens their mouth without thinking about what they're saying is being foolish, and even childish. Oh yes, our beloved Constitution makes "it" a free country, but the same right that lets an idiot talk a bunch of shit also gives us the right to shun them and verbally retaliate, depending one's particular style of dealing with people.

I'm just saying that being an adult requires being a bit more calculated. I mean, it's possible that someone could feign being a loud-mouthed bitch, but really is using their knowledge of psychology as a ruse to evoke a particular reaction that will benefit them in the long run. That's actually in Sun Tzu's Art of War; deceptively luring your opponents or rivals into a snare in which they think you to be weaker than you actually are, whether it be in terms of smarts, strength or reason.

So, anyhow, I don't mean that I'm worried about losing all the fun things I've enjoyed over the years, because I'm always going to be myself, what with the quirky spontaneousness that often leads to awkward conversations, but I'm moreso concerned about the responsibility of my actions being something I can't manage properly. I want to have a family someday, and a little house (but not so small that I can't fit into it), and maybe a career of some sort. But that takes a lot of hard choices and work, and I can't just start a family with anyone, and I can't just buy any house, and I can't just do anything I want for a career. I'm sure most people understand that I don't want to mess those things up, and end up becoming addicted to prescription fiber medicine, and end up living in an alley in a cardboard box with lott some random street bum who claims to be Jesus's son for a roommate.

On the other hand, responsibility may be a lot of hard work, which is a huge turn-off for some people, but think about it this way: I hate brushing my teeth because toothpaste tastes like a mix of ass and rutabagas, but I do it because I don't want my teeth to rot. Letting them rot leads to heart disease, a medical condition which destroys the heart, which one requires in order to remain alive for extended periods of time.

I certainly want to be alive, although, don't ask me why; I'm not exactly sure why I want it, but I'm pretty dead-set on remaining alive, so I'm going to roll with it for now. I guess the main reason death is avoided is because first of all, the amount of pain involved is usually high, and there is the fear of the unknown that comes with it. On the other hand, that's exactly what life is... high in pain and filled with lots of unknown. So why we choose one over another, I think, comes down to responsibility, because we all have to grow up and be responsible, and for some people, that's just too hard, and too much to handle. I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide, because thankfully, I'm very far away from that mindset now.

I guess the point of all this is that I've just been thinking about growing up, and just thought I'd share that with you. Also, I feel like I just gave a speech at a group meeting for people struggling with emotional problems, like alcohol.

Yeah, I know you miss me. I miss you guys too, more than you know.

Stay classy, Xanga.

There are tons of people who hate me. Tons. Maybe millions.

For them, I'm making this special post, therefore.

DEAR STUPID HATERS,

I LOVE TETRIS.

and I just thought you all should know that.

I just sent out a mass message to all my friends and subscribers. I'm actually quite scared of what's going to happen. My heart is pounding a little bit harder than normal. I could end up getting over 9,000 response messages.

Well, anyhow, here's some thinspo for you all:

I wasn't on Xanga yesterday, and I logged in this afternoon to find a metric-ton of messages. My initial thought was that someone decided to send the same message a billion times, which is pretty much what happened.

So, it was John Hiler's birthday, which pretty much is a national holiday, and for some reason, that means *I* get extra mail. Just when I was sure there were no major holidays until Easter (Where all the Christians will be sure to let us know it's "TRUE MEANING", which will be countered by Liberals writing their version of Easter, because obviously, no one can just shut up and Give Me Candy without starting a pissy argument about whether or not certian religions were involved) but I guess I stand corrected, although, we do have Mardi Gras coming up, which I hope Dan uses to ask girls to send him pictures of themselves lifting up their shirts in exchange for Xanga-beads.

So, happy anniversary of your emergence from your mother's vagina, John; one more digit has passed on that great countdown to your obliteration from reality into the void of nothingness that means nada on a cosmic scale because God doesn't exist.

You did, though, create my favorite website. So thanks!

^_^

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Anyway, I'm glad you've all sent everyone a notice saying it's John's birthday, because everyone needs uplifting mail, especially after stuff like this happens:

 

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Tra-la-la-la-la

 

Saving money?

Never.

THIS

IS

AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa

   

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

"I can't do this class."

"Why not?"

"Because I hate poetry."

"This is Calc 102."

"My decision still stands."

   

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

I promised an explanation for the notorious Sandwich Post, which is arguably one of the most prolific and awesome posts written anywhere. If you wish to read it, here is the link.

The reason I'm linking it is because it's old news; nobody knows what the hell is going on if I don't link stuff, and then there is a terrible bout of confusion, which, as we all have learned from playing Pokemon, causes people to attack themselves. Alas, something I've found out the hard way is that Xangans have a notoriously short memory. Anyhow, I digress, and I hate digressing.

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Caution: I've turned into a philosophical assface. This post reflects this. You've been warned.

Everyone wants to be loved, and almost everyone wants to feel important. That translates into a desire for notoriety in the blogging world, because the thoughts put into blogs are a reflection of a person's soul. I don't think very many people put up public posts and hope "Gee, I hope nobody reads this." unless they suck and they're dumb.

Now, something that's always bugged me is that people aren't honest with themselves. In the past, there have been a handful of featured posts that were mind-charringly stupid, but I'd say most of them are fairly decent, and at the least average. Still, even if all the featured blogs aren't knock-out material, they're a good reflection of the general population of Xanga. Yet, people get mad about Top Blogs and Featured Weblogs all the time, and I've asked the said mad people why, and they always say "Because that stuff sucks."

I would go the empathy route and pose the question, "Suppose you got featured and bunch of people who write crappy blogs started saying you sucked. How would you feel?" because you're not going to give that much thought anyway.

What I will say is this: I've dug deeper and talked with some people about featured blogs, and they've had this to say:

"

I've been here in xanga long enough to KNOW who are those who need the limelight. I've known friends here in xanga who are great poets, great writers....and yet, they don't get featured.

"

Now, the girl who said this to me, I know she was talking about herself, because in my conversation with her, she referred to herself as one of the "Real writers on Xanga", and I went to her site to see her 'great writing', and then I just laughed and laughed.

Another guy I knew always was trying to think of ways to promote his blog on Xanga. I even tried to help him out, because that's what I'd want someone to do for me. Anyhow, later on, when I got bigger, he stopped talking to me, and later said it was because I was hogging all the attention and that he just wanted his 15 minutes of fame.

And that's the story I keep hearing over and over, and yet, I believe it less and less. First of all, these people want to be featured "just once", or be "A Xangalebrity for a day", which is totally stupid, because that's like wanting to be a billionaire for one second. What would be the point? There isn't one; they aren't being honest with themselves.

I'm just going to be blunt. Everyone (And by 'everyone', I mean everyone except you) walks around with this false sense of entitlement, when they don't deserve anything. They don't deserve it, because they don't want to do what it takes to get it. Deep down inside, they want to have people love and admire their blogs, but don't want to do anything. They want it to just happen, or for someone to just give it to them. That pisses me off. It pisses me off because they refuse to learn anything or do anything, but ask for everything. Then, when they don't get it, they blame it on everyone but themselves.

I just posted the sandwich because I can. Normally, I don't explain my jokes, because either they're too complicated, or I'd end up sounding preachy, and I happen to hate complicated things and preachy people, so I keep that to a minimum. But I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that awesome sandwich would end up on Top Blogs. Then, I knew other people who want to be on Top Blogs (BECUZ OMG, MUST BECUM TOP BLOGGR) would get mad at me, because of the said sense of entitlement that I mentioned before.

A girl posted on her site asking, "Don't you just hate that someone can post a picture of a sandwich and it can make Top Blogs?"

Why? Why would anyone let something like that bother them? That shit doesn't matter!

Awhile ago, I felt kind of envious about the bigger bloggers on Xanga. But I didn't sit in a puddle of tears like a little baby and blame it on everyone else. I even blogged about it. I was honest about it with myself, and I did something about it.

I also know for a fact that all those "big bloggers" (who all really need to lose weight, so they can be less big. lulz.) have the same story. They wanted readers, so they went and did what they needed to do to get them (which involves sexual acts, by the way).

No, I'm kidding.

Actually, I'm not.

Or am I?

Alright, I'm going to stop writing this, because it's in the dead of night, and I need sleep.

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Final thoughts:

(I will never think again after this)

The envious, lazy bastards/bitches I described in this post are fun to mess with sometimes. I mean, I try to be nice, but since they get mad at me for get a top blog spot or featured (as if it's somehow my fault [boy, I put a lot of stuff in parenthesees]) I end up reading their crap. Then I post sandwiches just to make them fume. Take that, assholes.

Quit getting mad over Xanga, or blogging or life in general because it's not conforming to your awesome standard. All this proves is that winnar = me, and everyone who wastes their precious irrecoverable moments being vexed about sandwiches needs to do something more productive with their life, like sucking a dick. Trust me, those hours of performing fellatio will be exponentially more gratifying in the long run.

The end.