June 13, 2008

• The Amazing Adventures of Naked-Girl!!!!!!!

  Episode 9: PERIL IN THE FUTURE!

  When we last left our heroine (A girl-hero, not the drug 'heroin') she felt that the last story had a weak ending, so she blew up the Earth, so that there could be the classic 'huge explosion ending'.

  Now, since this was the second time the Earth had been destroyed, Tina knew exactly what to do. She would simply circle some celestial body faster than the speed of light, then time would go backwards and the Earth would be restored. Piece of cake.

  So Tina began circling the sun over and over faster than the speed of light, and lo and behold, the Earth reappeared. "Excellence!" Tina exclaimed gleefully, with a strange hint of excitement. With that, she flew to Earth to say 'hey' to everyone. When she got to the Earth, something was awry. It was the future.

  Tina immediately recognized that it was the future due to two facts: the buildings all had rounded tops, as opposed to cube-shaped ones. The next thing that made it obvious was the flying cars. Only the future has flying cars. Another thing that made it obviously the future was the fact that everyone was dressed like the people in "The Jetsons". There was also robots. Lots of robots.

  "Well, this sucks." Tina remarked, looking around, but then, figured she'd check everything out before returning to the past. She also wondered how she managed to end up in the future if she had been flying into the past. Plus, if she accidentally gone into the future, then how did the Earth come back? "Jinkies..." Tina thought, "What a mystery."

  She came up to a person walking on the conveyor-belt sidewalk and asked him "What year is it?"

  He looked at her like she had just asked if he would have sex with a panda and replied by asking"What kind of question is that?"

  "The inquisitive kind, I guess."

  "Well, it's the year 2562."

  "Holy crap."

  "You shouldn't say that."

  "I'm sorry... I'm from the past... the year 2010..."

  "You're from the past?"

  "Yeah, I know it's hard to believe, but that's why I'm dressed this way."

  "Actually, you're naked."

  Tina looked down. She forgot that she was still naked.

  "Hm. I guess I am." she said nonchalantly.

  "So, you're from the past?" he asked.

  "Yeah, you probably think I'm insane... what with wandering around naked saying I'm from the past and..."

  "No, it's fine. People visit from the past and future all the time. It's called time travel."

  "Wait... time travel?"

  "Yeah, you probably just came here from the past and just need to get to the time travel center downtown so you can get back to your time period. It's pretty simple, actually. Oh, but you do need some money to be allowed to use the machine."

  "How much is it?"

  "20 million dollars."

  "Holy shit! Where am I going to get 20 million dollars!?"

  "I don't know. I could just lend it to you."

  "What?"

  "I'll lend it to you. It's no problem."

  "Yeah, but... that's a lot of money to lend to a stranger..."

  "No, it's... oh! You know what? I forgot... in the past, 20 million was worth a lot. No... it's not very much. I'm not real sure exactly how much it'd be in your day, but it's like about the same amount of money that it costs for a vending robot to materialize a sandwich."

  "Ah, I see."

  Then the man gave Tina a 20-million dollar bill. "Here you go." he said. Tina glanced at the bill. In the center was a picture of an apparent American president, only he was a cyclops for some reason. "That's Ralph Burger. First cyclops ever to become president of Jesus." he explained.

  "Excuse me... president of what?" Tina asked.

  "Oh, yeah. The country was renamed to the United States of Jesus."

  "Um, why?"

  "Because, we decided to make this country completely and totally devoted to our Lord and Savior. Right now, we're in the middle of the third Holy Spiritual War, and are trying to make the world pure before Jesus comes."

  "What... exactly are you doing to make it... pure?"

  "We're overthrowing all the false religions and secular governments in world."

  "Holy shit."

  "And what's more, we're saving the souls of billions by forcing them to switch their faith to Christianity!"

  "So... what happens if they don't convert?"

  "Well, we don't want them to go to hell, so we send them to special camps where we keep them alive as long as possible until they convert. Once they've memorized the gospels, we set them loose into the world!"

  "Uh, well, I'm Jewish."

  "That's fetch! So was Jesus!"

  "No, I mean, I'm Jewish-Jewish."

  "You mean..."

  "Yeah."

  "You need to repent of your sins right now or you'll burn in hell."

  "Um? Since you have time travel, don't you technically have all the time in the world?"

  "I'm really concerned about your soul."

  "I'm really concerned about your balls, because they're about to be kicked into your throat."

  "Why are threatening me?"

  "Well, because you're supporting some really incredible bullshit. I mean, let's say for all intents and purposes that there's a Jesus. God gave us brains for a reason. To figure shit out. Putting people into camps is like saying people can't be trusted to figure it out on their own."

  "They cannot, because people are such finite imperfect beings that we often make mistakes and might not see God when we should."

  "Right, exactly. And right now, I think you finite imperfect beings are making a huge mistake by imprisoning people. If these people have brains, and Jesus is real, and they go looking for the truth, then they should be able to find him without having to be put in a special camp, you dipshit."

  The man looked at Tina with the utmost shock. "You are possessed by the devil!" he exclaimed, pointing to Tina.

  "You're possessed by stupidity!" Tina retorted.

  "Go back to your time, villain!"

  "I think I will! The future appears to suck even more than the past. Just tell me where the time machine is."

  "Just call a taxi and ask them to bring you there."

  Then the guy dematerialized. Apparently, he was just a hologram. Tina found that extremely odd, considering the money the guy gave her was real. Nevertheless, the task of getting back to her proper time was pressing, so she wasn't about to try and figure out what had just happened. Instead, she looked up at all the flying cars. She wanted to call a taxi, but wasn't sure how that was accomplished. She didn't want to ask, because it would be weird coming up to a stranger and asking "How do I call a taxi?" especially since she was still naked. Still, she was in a city of some sort, and there were people around, but they didn't seem to concern themselves much with her nudity.

  Now, Tina recalled that the time machine was "downtown", so it seemed more logical to ask someone where that was. Unfortunately, every time she asked, everyone just told her to get a taxi, and it occurred to her that nobody knew how to get anywhere. "When I get back to the present," Tina thought, "I'm going to write to my congressman/woman and insist that they put more maps in schools so people won't end up like this."

  Eventually, after a good deal of wandering around, Tina noticed a shop that said "Time Travel Centre" above the doors. It was so obvious that it was almost too obvious. Why would it be so accessable to just anybody? It was like a bad comedy movie where the lead character would look for something that seems like it would be difficult to find, only to find out everyone else knows where it is, mainly because of the many signs pointing to it.

  She entered the shop. "Hello?" she said, looking around.

  The inside resembled a laundromat, with many machines lined up on every wall, and incredibly shoddy furnishings. "Can I help you?" asked an old Korean gentleman who was smoking dual cigarettes, one on each side of his mouth.

  "I'd like to go to the year 2010." Tina said, as-a-matter-of-factly.

  "Mm, 2010... okay, 20 million dollar, please."

  Tina handed him the money, which he immediately ate.

  "You just ate the money!" Tina said, shocked.

  "Yeah, but I like the flavor." he replied, and added, "Right this way."

  So Tina followed the man, and he lead her to a machine that said "The Past" on it in bright yellow letters. The man reached for the dials and asked "What day?"

  "Any day." Tina replied.

  "What hour?"

  "Doesn't matter."

  "Which minute?"

  "Don't give a damn."

  "Which second?"

  "Could not give less of a fuck."

  "Alright, you're all set. Get in."

  Then he opened the drying-machinesque object and Tina squeezed into it. Then her conscience appeared in the form of a grasshopper. "Hello, Tina." it said.

  "What do you need?" Tina asked.

  "How can you leave these people behind?"

  "Why is this an issue? I'll just change the past and none of this crap will happen."

  "But you won't know what causes this shit."

  "Did you just say 'shit'?"

  "Uh, yes I did."

  "YOU FAIL AS MY CONSCIENCE. GET THE FUCK OUT."

  Then Tina smashed him with a sledge hammer. Still, she felt in her heart that he was right. Actually, it could've been a girl grasshopper. She wasn't sure. She didn't get a very good look at it's tiny microscopic grasshopper junk. As the Korean man closed the door, Tina reached out and held the door open. "Wait." she said, "I'm going to save you."

  "But you already paid for trip!"

  "It's okay, I think that money was holographically generated."

  "That would explain why it was so bland..."

  "So, I have to piss. Got a bathroom in this joint?"

  The man pointed to a crappy white door that said "Shithole" on it. "Thanks!" Tina said, and darted for it. She stepped inside and it was dark. She looked for a switch, but there didn't appear to be one. She turned to the Korean guy, who was leaning against the time machine, now smoking a dozen cigarettes at once, and she shouted "Ay! How do I get light in here?"

  "Voice activated." he replied.

  So Tina turned to the bathroom and said "Lights, on." and nothing happened. "Lights activate?" she tried. "Let there be light?"

  "Turn on?"

  "Switch on?"

  "On?"

  Finally, the lights turned on. "Shit, it's about time..."

  Inside the bathroom, there was a humanoid robot and nothing else. "Greetings, citizen. How may I ease your benevolent existence?" it asked.

  "Uh, is there a toilet in here?" Tina asked.

  "I can transform into a toilet."

  "Excellent, please do."

  "Did you say... please?"

  "Yeah, why?"

  "No one has ever said... 'please' before... am I... human?"

  "No, now shut up and turn into a toilet."

  So the robot begrudgingly turned into a toilet, despite that it's wish to become human had once again been denied. After it morphed, Tina upon it and did her business. Then, looking around, she asked "Can I have some toilet paper?"

  "What is... toilet paper?" the robot asked.

  "Its... nevermind. What can I use to clean my ass?"

  Then a tray came out of the side of the toilet with a small orange kitten on it. It looked up at Tina and meowed in it's tiny kitten voice.

  "I take it you are from the past." the robot guessed.

  "Why yes... and what's up with the kitten?"

  "In the future, everyone uses kittens to wipe their asses."

  "I'm supposed to wipe my ass with a kitten!? That doesn't even make any sense! What kind of future is this!?"

  "I apologize for your frustration, ma'am, but the choice is yours."

  So Tina looked at the kitten for a moment. She briefly considering actually using it, but that would be horrible. But then again, she realized that deep down inside, she was a horrible person, and she certainly didn't want to walk around with an unclean ass, so she scooped up the kitten, wiped and then flushed it down the drain. She made a mental note that she would change the past so that what she had just done wouldn't happen.

  As Tina walked out of the bathroom, the Korean guy asked "Do you want to hear a bathroom joke?"

  "No." Tina replied. "I don't want to hear any stupid jokes about bathrooms right now. In fact, all humor that is related to the act defecating isn't fit to be called humor."

  With that, she marched out of that establishment indignantly. Her next order of business was to find the camps where people were being converted and liberate them, but since nobody knew where anything was, she decided to ask if anybody knew anything. Nobody knew who knew anything. Tina wanted to tear her hair out.

  So she just sat down on a bench and watched some enormous television screen on the side of a building, hoping to pick up something useful from the news of the future. She watched it for awhile, but all the stories were about celebrity scandals, and there was an insidiously stupid show that pointed out all the fashion mistakes celebrities made during everyday life. Just as Tina was ready to hurl a bus at the screen and smash it, suddenly, a voice said "This is a breaking news action awesome power urgent emergency special report. We have just been handed a memo."

  Everyone who was walking on the sidewalk froze and turned to the almighty screen. Their eyes were filled with wonder, suspense and anticipation. A news anchor appeared on the screen. "Hello everyone, I am Jet Calvin. This is a breaking news story. Moments ago, the supreme court of the United States of Jesus has ruled that incest-marriage is now legal in all states."

  One half of the people started cheering and crying, and the other half began booing and giving the finger to the screen, as if somehow, Jet Calvin could actually see them. Maybe he could. After all, it was the future.

  Then all the incestuous couples started making out in public, and all the right-wingers started booing and yelling "You're going to hell, sibling-fuckers!"

  Then there was chaos.

  People were just flailing their arms around, others were just doing random cartwheels, tomatoes were being thrown, things were being shouted that didn't make sense, and there was a guy walking around selling hotdogs and nacho-cheese covered popcorn.

  Tina was fed up, so she used her super-loud-voice to yell "AY!"

  Everyone stopped and looked at her as she stood on an overturned burning city bus. "Listen to me! Look at yourselves!"

  "Why are you naked?" someone called out.

  "I'm... not sure! But that's not really important right now, is it? I mean, look at yourselves! You... you have become animals! And seriously guys... putting people in camps? What the hell is that shit? And, siblings... you're fucking? Gross, guys, gross."

  "Bigot!" one of the people yelled.

  "No, I'm not a bigot. Having sex with a sibling is gross, guys. You need to stop it."

  "That's just how God made us. We can't change the fact that we love each other, and if you don't like it, shut the hell up and leave!"

  "Well... look... if you have babies, they're going to be retarded!"

  The entire crowd turned hostile and they began booing and shouting at her, as if she had just said there would be no more pizza ever. In the midst of the angry noise, Tina managed to hear some old lady scream "Sibling love doesn't make retarded babies, you ignorant piece of whack!"

  Tina decided to fly away, because she was so upset. As she took off, the whole crowd became hushed in awe of her power of flight. When she realized that they were quieted, she turned to them and asked "What? You haven't invented anti-gravity in the future?"

  "No, that's not invented until 2689." someone replied.

  "Well, don't let me stop you... continue being angry assholes!"

  "But, you... you are the one..."

  "The one?"

  Then the village elder came out from hiding and read from an ancient scroll and he thus spake: "In the year of the love between two in the family, there shall emerge a heroine, who strike evil while nude and speaks with the voice of thunder. She shall battle the evil one and lead many lemmings off a cliff."

  "Well, where can I find this 'evil one'? And why do I lead lemmings off a cliff?" Tina asked.

  "I'm not sure." the elder replied. "But you can find the evil awaiting you in his evil city."

  "Where is that?"

  "I'm not sure. You have to call a taxi."

  "Well, how do you call a taxi?"

  "You just yell 'taxi!' and one will appear."

  So Tina said the magic word, and lo and behold, a taxi appeared out of nowhere. It was a cat-taxi, which resembled a mix of a giant magic cat with eight legs and a taxi. The door in the side of the cat opened. "Hop in!" it said enthusiasically. Tina stepped in and had a seat. "Where to?" it asked.

  "The evil one's lair." Tina replied.

  "Sure thing!"

  Then, the door shut and the cat lifted off the ground. The crowd cheered and threw oregano, which in the future, was a good thing. "HERE WE GO!" the cat said, and shot off through the air. Moments later, it began randomly spiralling for no reason and smashed into a skyscraper. There was a huge explosion.

  The crowd looked at the elder. He shook his head sadly and said "The prophecy has not come true..." He was then flogged.

  Meanwhile, inside the burning building, Tina stood up and the floor immediately collapsed under her. She quickly jumped to her feet and looked around. "Hello?" she called out, "Is anyone there?" She was looking to see if anyone needed saving, but to no avail. All around her was smoke, fire and burning pieces of the cat-taxi. Tina flew back up to the floor above her, which seemed to be the worst-hit. Again, there was no one. Then she rammed the ceiling and smashed through to the floor above. On that floor, the people were apparently unaware that the building was hit, because they were in the middle of some sort of orgy. The entire floor was covered in beds, and on each bed, a couple having sex. Tina knew there wasn't much time.

  Thinking quickly, she kicked one of the windows open, and began grabbing the couples one by one, flying out the window and gently setting the still-entwined couples onto safe ground. She flew quickly and accomplished the task of clearing that floor in a matter of minutes. Tina then flew back up to the tower and realized that all the other floors above that one were also having orgies. Meanwhile, flames poured out of the middle of the building. There wouldn't be much time until the secret illuminati agents detonated the building in a controlled demolition.

  Then Tina looked deep inside herself, and the ghost of the conscience-grasshopper said to Tina "You can do it. You've got the eye of the tiger." and that was all Tina needed to hear. She powered up for a few seconds, which involved screaming and eye-twitching, then she began clearing each floor methodically at super-speed, soon filling the streets with copulating couples. Just as she got the last couple out of the building, a government UFO flew past the building and it collapsed.

  Then Tina collapsed.

  In blackout land, she heard clapping, then applause, then cheering. Her eyes opened and thousands of naked people, just like herself, were praising her for saving their lives. The blue-and-purple elder spat out his teeth and said "The prophecy has come true!"

  "Not until I battle the evil one!" Tina replied.

  "How will you find the evil one?"

  "I just will."

  Then she took flight to locate the lair of the evil one. Surprisingly enough, finding the evil one's lair, much like the time machine shop, wasn't very difficult, because it was a dark spooky castle with a perpetual thunderstorm hovering over it.

  Tina flew down to the gate and knocked on gigantic door. A port in the door opened and an elfish man looked out and said "The wizard does not wish to see any visitors today!"

  "I'm here to fight him." Tina said.

  The elf looked her up and down.

  "Are you... the naked one?" the elf asked, astonished.

  "You should win an award."

  "For what?"

  "Worst question ever. Of course I'm the 'naked one'. What do you think?"

  "Right-o."

  Then, the enormous doors slowly lurched open, and Tina stepped into the fortress of the evil one. She walked down a long hall before coming to an enormous chamber that resembled the Wizard of Oz's chamber. In the center of the room sat an old man with a wizard's hat on. He also had a wizard robe. The man sat on a small chair in front of a little table.

  "Excuse me," Tina said, "Are you the evil one?"

  "Indeed I am." he replied.

  "Well, let's fight."

  "No..."

  He placed a chessboard on the table with crystal pieces. "Chess is my game," he explained, "and this ancient game represents the essence of pure mental strength over another. Each move sets off a chain reaction of events that only the most talented of human minds can possibly even begin to calculate and comprehend. Now, should you prevail, and I have no doubt you will not, I shall leave this land forever. However, when I do succeed in overcoming you, you must go back from wence you came."

  "Okay..." Tina said, approaching the table.

  The evil one moved his first piece, a pawn in the center, saying, "This opening has never failed me before. I have mastered this mind game and the process of your methodical doom has begun."

  Then Tina punched him into oblivion.

  He flew upwards, through the roof and into outer space.

  Tina returned to the city and said to the people, "Yo! I hath defeated the evil one! Now please, heed my words, o foolish knaves of the future. Quit putting people into camps. That's screwed up. Instead, love them, and perhaps, if you bribe them hard enough, they will convert to your faith. If not, just lay off, alright?"

  84% of the people listening agreed to follow what Tina had said. Then she went back to the time machine place and returned to her own time, determined not to repeat the mistakes of the future.

  End.

  • 2:50 am
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