I bet you thought I died. Like, you imagined me in a car that caught on fire and then drove downwards into a river of lava and then the lava-gators ate the car. But that didn't happen.

It's time to have a mature conversation.

Hello,  I'd like to talk to you about our Lord Jesus Christ. As you may know, there have been a lot of disasters happening in the world, and we have that Iraq or Afghanistan thing, and there was that thing on the news about that Middle Eastern place with the war near Israel and we all know China is about to ching-chong-chang on our asses, so the end times are getting close. So close that if I stuck out my tongue, I could taste the end times' crusty stench in my mouth. Think about it. Whales getting washed up on beaches? What's up with that?

I'll tell you what that is. A sign.

So I think we need to repent and stop using dildos. Whether you use it to pleasure your pussy, butthole, mouth, earhole, belly button, eye socket, nostril, I respect that. I mean, getting your daily fucking is just good, clean family fun that I believe everyone can get behind, sometimes literally. I mean, sometimes you're just sitting in a meeting and your boss is talking leverage in the energy exchange market and regulatory arbitrage, and you just find yourself thinking "Bro. I could use a fuck right now." but you can't raise your hand and ask your boss "Excuse me, Mr. Martin, may I be excused for a moment? I need a good fuckin'." and expect that to go well.

There's a reason our society makes it so you can't talk about sex: it is evil. It is a vile, nasty, horrible action that is completely disgusting. I can't even understand how someone could think sex was something worth fancying, even remotely. This is gonna be graphic, but I'm going to tell you how sex happens, just so you understand what we're dealing with here: First, two people get like totally naked in front of each other with no shame at all, like none. I would be so embarrassed, I'd never be able to speak again and would take a vow of silencia. Then one of them lays down on grass, and the other one poops onto the other person's chest. So, okay, that is just way too much for me. Poops belong in the toilet, not on my chest or anyone's chest. Some people have told me that I'm wrong and that I've "been watching the wrong videos", but I'm pretty sure I got it right when I typed "Videos of shitty sex cuz sex is shit" into Google.org to do a little bit of research.

And you know what? They're goddamn right. I have been watching the wrong videos. I think instead of people fucking, they should just dildo themselves until it hurts, like really slam themselves so hard that they're screaming out in sheer agony, but won't stop. This will create the mental connection in their head that sex is destructive to their body, so they will stop it, and start doing good things like reading fairy tale books like Pinocchio, which is a true story about a piece of magical wood that was carved into a puppet, whose selfish ways land him into all kinds of trouble, and guess what? Pinocchio used his wooden nose to fuck himself throughout the whole story and had a tradesman drill a hole into his "butt" area so he could slam his wooden nose into his wooden hole until he was screaming out crazy obscenities that made no sense.

What you have just read is the paper I read in my speech class that received a standing ovation and brought tears to my teacher's eyes. She said it was "the most beautiful thing she had ever heard in 40 years of teaching" which was weird because she was 53 years old. I received a 100% on my speech, and my fellow students said they were really inspired and moved by my paper. The teacher asked if it could be used as an example piece for future students to read, and I had to inform her that I could not allow my art to be tarnished by a bunch of giggling Freshmen who would not be able to appreciate the depth of my work, that it was timeless, and that eventually, I would go on to give the same speech in front of millions on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

Then I took a sip from my can of root beer.

The end.

1. Raise your arm into the air.

2. Open your hand.

3. Swing the hand towards the face of the person you intend to slap.

4. Collide your open hand with their face.

Success! You have now slapped someone in the face!

Imagine we lived in a world where everyone got to eat cake. This has been a dream of mine for years, but I've always been too scared to share this idea with anyone, out of fear of ridicule and rejection. I'm just going to put myself out there right now and say I have a plan for how it might be possible to give everyone in the world a cake. First, we would need a snazzy-looking logo, and slogan. I've got that covered:

Next, we need a mission statement. Here it is:

"Our goal at CakeWorld Inc., is to provide cake for everyone in the entire world at no cost. We believe it is the right of all humankind to taste the delicious, soft, warm embrace of the cake as it caresses our tongues."

Now, I know because this is Xanga, that there will be a high volume of investors who will stumble across this and be very interested in how this idea will make money. The answer is very simple: Leverage. Synergy. Kill-or-be-Killed. Excellence. These are the four pillars of CakeWorld, all of which I have tattooed on my ankle, because I believe in them so deeply. I will even tattoo these words on other parts of my body in the future probably. I might cover my whole body with these words over and over again, and scrawl them all over the walls of my house IN BLOOD. Why? Because I believe in CakeWorld. Let me show you some figures:

According to this study done by psychology students at the University of Harare, Zimbabwe, cake is one of the most desired items/entities for the human imagination to crave. This chart shows the percentile rise in interest of the fastest-growing initiatives that individuals want in the Q2 of 2013. Although the act of Fucking is still the fast-growing initiative, Cake is the most exciting prospect for 2014 and beyond, because while Fucking has markets in virtually every community in the world, the Cake market has many untapped markets that are simply salivating for a bite of the delicious substance.

You may be speculating on how this venture will yield profits for your portfolio. Well, let's examine this pie-chart:

The blue section represents us working part-time jobs to support the business, which will almost certainly go 250,000 dollars into debt within 6 weeks, due to poor planning on my part. This can be alleviated by the red section, which is where we all apply for credit cards to pay for a plethora of unexpected expenses. The purple part represents something else, but I don't remember, but use your imagination. Maybe you could sell drugs. The very small green section represents pennies we will pick up off the ground. Parking lots are filled with pennies, and I am certain that through hunting down enough loose pennies, we can pay the remaining balance, and not go into the red, albeit being in debt up to our eyeballs with no hope of ever getting out.

Our method of distribution involves hiring commercial pilots to fly large cargo planes over densely-populated areas and just dump the cakes directly down onto a broad target area. We won't be able to afford box materials, so the cakes will fall without any sort of wrapping or protection, and could crumble in mid-air, or be blown significantly off-course by high altitude winds.

In conclusion, you would have to be an absolute fool to even consider going into business with me, or supplying me with capital for this venture. I have zero business-management experience, and am hopeless in terms of social/people skills. My money-management is also historically very poor, and does not inspire much hope for my ability to spend our liquidity with any ounce of prudence. I believe this business will ultimately fail spectacularly because it is firmly grounded in an acute lack of logic, business sense, planning, and overall viability. This project, although a childhood dream of mine, which I will pursue with the utmost enthusiasm, is beyond ludicrous, and is a financial sinkhole for anyone naive enough to believe that this could be potentially profitable. Thank you, and God Bless the USA!

Have you ever noticed how weird weasels look? I mean, they're adorable, but there's just something suspicious about an animal that long. They are up to no-good for certain.

Check it.

So, I was reading John's post on Xanga's policy towards racism. He deleted the account "xanga.com/nigger" because someone posted "die niggers" on that page.

What really got me is that people disagreed with John's decision. Look, blah blah blah free speech is important. But you know there's something wrong with the way you're thinking if you're defending your right to say whatever you want over someone else's safety. Death threats are bad. One time, someone threatened to kill me, and I was really scared, because I wasn't a ninja yet. But how do you defend racism and go like "Oh yeah, it's totally cool, guys."? Here's how - some guy posted anonymously on John's comments some tirade about free speech, but was too much of a bitch to show who he was:

Yes, yes, the great Spirit of Blogging is frowning down on Xanga from his magical golden clouds of judgement. Too bad John is an atheist and doesn't give a fuck.

Something I really took away from my whole time on Xanga is that you never never NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER go down to a troll's level and debate them and hope to win because you have the strength of goodness in your ideas. That's what so goddamn stupid about this comment. You don't go toe-to-toe with trolls using idea versus idea and try to win an intellectual victory. You crush them without mercy, obliterate them, squelch their idiocy, stomp their words out, scorch the earth, carpet bomb, nuclear explosionize, death-star-laser-destroy trolls out of existence. You grow a spine like the rest of the vertebrae-based beings in this world, and you ban them the fuck off the whole internet.

You know why? Because trolls shit on the Spirit of Blogging, and use it as toilet paper to wipe up the ejaculate they exude after finishing one of their trolling sessions, which obviously excite them sexually. There is no way you can put a rational thought on an equal basis with that of a troll. They urinate on compassion and intelligence willingly and maliciously. Make no mistake - this urination they engage in is calculated and pre-meditated, and often, they're attempting to write their names into the soft fluffy snow of all that is good and holy. They eat good ideas for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and brunch, and shit out radioactive toxic evil parasitic snakes that eat nothing but a strict diet of kittens and puppies. Then those snakes shit out yogurt, because yogurt is gross.

I disagree with racism, but I acknowledge that it exists as a human flaw. Occasionally, I break out the racist jokes myself. Personally, I'm just preparing myself in case Nazis from space attack and capture me. Then I can tell some excellent jokes about minorities and Slavic peoples, and the Space-Nazis will be like "You're alright, kiddo." and let me live.

However, let me give you two example of typical racism, and the appropriate responses:

"I think Asians are better at math than white kids."

Perfectly rational response: "I disagree with your assessment of the continent of Asia's ability to produce individuals who have an inclination towards excelling in the field of numerical cogitation. While there may be generalities that may support your case in a general sense, you have to look at each individual's math skills on a solitary basis."

If this happens:

"Yo chinx suck, let's send 'em all to the sun lulz"

Perfectly rational response: BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN

I'd like to announce that I will soon be releasing an official announcement.

Here is a picture of a falcon.

I tried to commit Xangacide recently. I actually pressed the button, but since Xanga is such a fucked-up website, the site timed-out and couldn't process my request, and therefore, it is DESTINY that I stay on Xanga. I could bring up a huge list of people who made Xanga magical liek unicorn that left, taking the magic with them, but on the other hand... meh. They had to follow their hearts and stopping writing the content of their souls, and move onto more meaningful things, like fucking and eating chicken or whatever they're doing. OKAY. OKAY. I'm done being cynical - I'm not going to delete this thing! Let's focus on what's important now: the people who are here, because these are the people who matter. In life, friends come and go like traffic, and sometimes, when you're in that traffic, you see a dead coyote on the side of the road with it's guts hanging out all over the place, and you're like "Gross."

Wait.

That didn't make any sense. Anyway, I remember a magical time when everything I posted would garner an absurd number of comments, and I was accused of leading a Kult (yes, it's cult with a 'k'), so I had a brush with nostalgia when I saw this in my inbox:

What did I just miss!? That's gold, Jerry, GOLD!!!!!!!! Ugh, I feel like just ending all of my sentences with corpulently excessive amounts of punctuation out of pure excitement, because not only is Paigey running her own cult on Xanga (Which has formed an alliance with the United Atheist Republic, one nation, under natural selection, dedicated to crushing Christianity) but has started a war with Nidan, (a long-time subscriber and reader of my amazingly amazing blog) who is not to be trifled with. Those turkeys should not have screwed around with him a second time.

Look, if a turkey ever screwed with me, I would eat it. I would cut off it's head and see all the guts spill out of it's neck area, then fry it in my backyard, which would cause a huge grease fire that would burn my whole neighborhood to the ground, but I would do it out of principle, because it's the principle that counts here.

Shit like this goes down errday:

Gay people don't need to be constantly reminded of how gay they are. They know that they are super-duper gay. They don't need to be constantly told how they're "going to Hell". The gay and lesbian teen suicide rate is alarmingly high. I think that's why Nidan is so adamant about defending gay minors.

Think about this:

1. You tell a gay person they're going to Hell
2. They kill themselves
3. They're in Hell
4. You just made someone end up in Hell

Are you happy now!? Could you look me in the eyes and tell me that you're happy now!? Look, I'm not even taking sides, so please do not get it twisted, alright? OH MY GOD, WHAT IF I COMMITTED XANGACIDE? My Xanga site would end up in Xanga-Hell.

Think about it: My Xanga site is totally gay. It is so gay that it's gayness is a gaytomic bomb dropped on Gayoshima from the Enola Gay. Xanga-God has said thusly:

A Xanga must not lie with another Xanga as a Xanga does with a Datingish. This is Xangatestible and both Xangas must get totally stoned!

- Xangaronomy 4:20

I think I just literally Neo-dodged a bullet there, literally.

Literally.