YOU BITCHES. YOU BITCHES!!!!  


I, of course, am talking to the makers of those long-ass Celebrex commercials that never end; you know, the ones where the outlines of all the animation is actually legal type that explains that Celebrex will fucking kill you if you take it. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Celebrex, it is a prescription pill that allows you to perceive the meaning of the universe or some crap like that, and it was presented in these commercials where old people were doing Tai Chi in the park. And they were all smiling.

The something awful happened. Someone took some Celebrex to make their weiner longer and harder, and he died. This lead to a lawsuit. After the lawsuit, Celebrex got a lot of bad publicity and they pulled all their commercials off the air.

Unfortunately for the drug company, they had all this Celebrex laying around in huge piles. They would often look at each other, bewildered, and go "What are we going to do with all this Celebrex?" and they tried to do several different things with it, including burning it, eating it, using the pills as cat litter, and finally, using massive quantities of the pills to plug holes in damaged levees.

Eventually, they decided to try selling Celebrex on the open market again rather than in darkened back alleys to screaming psychopathic vagabonds on skidrow who always think spiders are crawling all over them when in fact, there is nothing there. But, because of the lawsuit, Celebrex has to air these ridiculous 16-minute commercials that explain that Celebrex is safe, yet dangerous, essentially saying "There's a pretty good chance that this product will not kill you, so go ahead and buy it. Also, interesting fact: more people die by falling off step-ladder than from our product. How you like them apples, bitch?"

Celebrex Stats:
type - pill
side effects - instant death, brain damage, your soul will be sold to Satan, Lord of Darkness and Fallen Angels


Something similiar happened with Yaz. Originally, it was advertised as a birth control pill that one could take to stop bloody eggs from sliding out of their uterus every month. Or so we thought. The commercial ran something like this: A bunch of gal pals are at a party together just having fun, when one of them bursts into a spontaneous, uncalled-for monologue about the benefits and risks of Yaz. The commercial's creators attempted (and failed) to make the conversation seem more authentic by making the girls listening to the salespitch go "Wow, you really know your stuff!" Indeed, girls, she knows her stuff. After this, the salespitching girl goes "I didn't go to medical school for nothing!" and laughs hysterically, and then adds "But seriously, ladies, talk to your doctor about Yaz." and why the hell were they talking about Yaz at a party? Oh right. It's a party. Time to get drunk and then get fucked in some stranger's bedroom. Imagine telling your child where they came from. "Why aren't you and Daddy married?" Little Marie would ask, to which you would reply "Well, we were never really in love. I just downed hen like there was no tomorrow, and stuff happened, and then you came along." and then you would turn to the camera and say "And that ladies, is why you should talk to your doctor about Yaz."

Anyhow, I guess some girls took Yaz and it turned their vaginas into a forsaken hellscape from the netherworld. Then there was a lawsuit, and now the girl from the party who did the salespitch now has to do another new commercial explaining that she failed to inform girls that Yaz was designed to make your ass bigger or something. I don't know. I think there's a pill that does that.

Oh wait, it's called cake.

Let's face it: you're a douchebag. You know it. I know it. We all know it. Obscure undiscovered Amazon river tribes know it. I know it's not easy to quit, but it's like the sticky-icky and you can quit. But you want to. But you can't. If you need encouragement to quit, here are some words from TroothProductions: "If you're a douchebag, then fuck you. Fuck... you. You stupid fuck. What the fuck. Do you wake up each day with the goal of setting record-breaking new levels of stupidity? You should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the biggest fucktard in the history of history."

Luckily for you, I've assembled a team of experts to deliver you these tips to reduce your doucheyness:





1. Stop being such a fucking hypocrite.






Let me give an example. Between bouts of praying and Bible-reading, you see these kids smoking. You walk up to them and tell them "You shouldn't smoke. It causes deformed infants." and then when they reply using colorful language explaining that they don't care, you tell them you love them, because you want brownie points with God so you can get to Heaven, and then walk away triumphantly. Later, you go to a party and get loaded.

Stop it.

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2. Shut the fuck up.





Don't talk back to me. Shut up, you moron. No one likes a douchebag who just will not stop talking about stuff no one cares about. If your tirades are met with tons of sarcasm, eye-rolling, stunned silence, people walking away, and knives being pulled, then that's a good indicator that when you talk, it makes people hate your guts, and so you obviously should just shut it. Geeze.

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3. Go fuck yourself!



I'm serious. A lack of healthy, adult sexual expression creates a lot of suppressed emotional energy that needs to be expended. I'm not a scientist (but I play one on television. My character is the sassy, back-talking genius that was put into the show because the cast was all men, and they needed a strong, free-minded female voice to balance it out, but also pull in a larger demographic so they can make more money from ads. Hm, perhaps I've said too much...) but I'm pretty sure that a drought of sexual pleasure will cause certain chemicals to build up in the brain, causing stress, and these chemicals can only be released by the stimulation of certain nerves that trigger only when experiencing sexual pleasure, SO GO FUCK YOURSELF!

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Have a nice day. =)

Wow.

I just threw a huge temper-tantrum and now I feel silly. I pounded on a wall, and now there's a red and purple-ish bruise on my pinky. My poor pinky... what did it ever do wrong?