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I was in the Yahoo.com area of the internet and I were been reading this article called Women Are a Mystery To Stephen Hawking.

I find this interesting. A physically-disabled 69-year-old man can't get a date in this day and age!? This is 2012! We have a half-black President, and a lesbian Secretary of State. Seriously, this is Stephen Hawking, the astrophysics genius who wrote A Brief History of Time, and correctly predicted that radiation could escape from the light-binding gravitational force of a black hole. That is pretty damn sexy.

For all you men/butch lesbians that don't understand women, I've written a short guide to help you poor, poor fools to understand. Once you read this guide, you will never have any problems ever again, with anything.

Whether you are married/engaged/have gf/complex love triangle/fuck buddies/whatever, women expect you to do a few things, and if you do not do these things, you need to immediately be castrated and sent to Antarctica.

1 - Women love attention from their man. Did you even notice that I got my hair cut? No, probably not. Men, when we are around, we're not just there to smile and look pretty. So no, we're not going to put an axe through your television or set your shoes on fire if you don't put away your video game. But maybe *I* want to play it with you. Have you ever considered that? Just buy me a controller and we can play together. Okay? Okay, how do I get out my gun? What, I don't have one? I don't see a... oh, there it is. Okay, how do I shoot? Ah! That guy just shot at me! Oh shit! Oh shit! Ah! Oh my god, I just killed that guy? Did you see that!?

2 - You don't need to be rich. But you need to be semi-rich, at least. If you can't throw around some coin for us, that's a huge turn-off. That says "If we get married, you'll be paying most of the bills with two jobs. Oh, I've been looking for a job, I just haven't been able to find one, but I have an interview next Friday. By the way, Wednesday night is video-game night, and I'm bringing the guys over for our team match. And no, you can't play. This team match is very important, and it will advance us to rank 14 on the ladder." and that's not right!!! I mean, you don't have to buy us diamond rings (at least, not right away), but you know, you could buy us like, you know, just stuff. Or better yet, you could MAKE something, like carve a life-size statue of a polar bear out of ice. That would be so cute!

3 - Show her that you really do care/love her. Don't play mind-games and try to make us all jealous. Just say how you feel, and maybe let us play during a team match sometime. I know we're not that good and always die to grenades, but we're getting better.

4 - Likewise, if there's an issue or you're not feeling sure about the relationship, SHUT UP. Just let me practice with you on sniper runs so I can get better. If you can't handle that, then maybe you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

5 - Discuss what type of relationship you want to have before you date her. If you want marriage, then... wow... uhm, that's kind of sudden. But yeah! If you want marriage, just tell us that's what you're looking for. If you just want sex, just say it, especially on the first date. Be really blunt about it, too. Just slide everything off the table in the middle of the restaurant and go "Let's cut the crap. I just want to fuck. It doesn't have to be you, but I just need to get my dick inside of something before I blow my brains out." and yeah, just be honest!! Who knows, we might say yes if you let us in on the team matches.

6 - This brings me to point number six which is women are bitches. I am a bitch. They are bitches. We are bitches. We do not forgive. We do not forget. The harder you try, the harder you will fail. All your carefully-picked arguments can be easily ignored. Nothing is sacred. You have been warned, you STUPID ASSHOLES.

7 - Women are emotional creatures. You can't just be all like "Oh, I'm just going to ignore you on game nights and not let you participate in any sniper runs or team matches ever." because goddamn it, I know I'm not that good at the fucking game, okay!? How am I ever going to get any better if we never play together or you don't like, teach me anything? Seriously, are you that stupid? You are being such a jerk right now. You don't think about my feelings EVER. It's all you, you, you, you. Well, guess what, asshole!? Play your stupid game with your stupid buddies. I don't even like this stupid game anyhow! I just wanted to play it because I was trying to be a good girlfriend and share an interest with you, but obviously, that's not important to you. Oh, so you're just going to sit there and not say anything? I'm leaving. Have a nice life, jerk!

These are some basics that most women want men to know about. Yes, we are a mystery, but so are men and their stupid game.

Did I leave anything out??? And men, does this guide help out????????

Warning: I'm pretty sure this post is illegal.

Alright. This post is purely for educational purposes so you know what to look for on your kids' shopping lists so you can check to see if they're making meth, and certainly not for making meth for yourself. Now, I know what you're thinking: "You don't know what I'm thinking." but I do know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I don't know what you're thinking. You're also thinking "Kids don't make lists. They're highly disorganized; haven't you read Lord of The Flies?." And first of all, those kids on the island didn't have paper or writing utensils. If they did, a lot of death could have been avoided. Okay, so just trust me. These lists exist.

Note: I am a Certified Psychic. I have read approximately 4,000 people's minds in the last 10 years.

So, you're sick of marijuana and want something harder looking for what your kids might be buying to make meth. Remember, that making meth is illegal, so please don't do this. Please, for the love of the Virgin Mary.

A short history of Meth: Meth was in invented in 1856 by Dr. Kurt Von Swirlmustache to enhance the performance of his fighting cocks. When his cock would clash with other cocks, he noticed that his had difficulty performing when entering the arena (Which was known as 'the hole'). Therefore, he went home and invented meth. After injecting his cock with the substance, he saw a drastic spike in it's performance, and developed such a fierce reputation that other cocks would literally shrink away when they saw it coming. One day, he was bored and tried some on himself, and in 1867, Meth Addiction was invented.

How to make:

First, you need a kitchen sink. Take all the dirty dishes that you never wash, and just throw them on the floor, because let's face it: the floor is such a mess anyway that it's going to literally be a drop in the bucket of the ocean of mess. You also should plug the hole in the sink so your meth does not slip away into the sewers, because then the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will get to it before you do.

The second step is to make the meth in your sink. Remember, this is very dangerous and your whole kitchen could explode. After your kitchen explodes, the DEA will declare your house to be a meth lab and arrest you. So, very important tip: do not let your kitchen explode. If you have one of those huge black witch's cauldrons, that will also work.

Next, mix all the following ingredients together:

- A large bottle of shampoo
- Cough syrup
- Any liquid cleaner that contains ammonia
- Chocolate syrup
- Lye
- The tears of a virgin
- Lighter fluid
- Gasoline
- Paint Thinner
- Iodine crystals
- Baking soda
- Battery acid
- Red Bull
- Benzene (I don't know what this is)
- A pinch of salt

Then, wait stir it with a large metal spoon, because a wooden spoon will almost certainly disintegrate. Then wait two days for the meth to sit. After two days, check on the meth. If it hasn't been stolen by roaming meth-heads (They have the sniffing power of a trained blood hound), then immediately cup some of it into your hands and drink the sweet nectar of the gods!! The next step is to let one tear drop from your eye and exclaim "I have become death... the destroyer of worlds!"

I mean uh... don't do that. Make sure your kids aren't doing that. Always check your kitchen sink to make sure it isn't full of meth that your kids are making.

If, by some of-chance, you happen to ingest some meth, you should immediately do the following:

1. Do not call 911 or induce vomiting - the vomiting will be induced for you, and someone else will probably call 911 on you at some point.
2. Begin roaming the streets and parks at night, occasionally screaming wildly for no reason.
3. Get into a fight with a homeless person.
4. Get arrested.
5. End up on a reality TV show where they show a picture of you before-and-after meth.
6. Deny you have a problem when anyone tells you that you're addicted.
7. Tell everyone you need just small amounts of meth every now and then because your knee hurts. Also, tell them that the demons in your head won't stop screaming if you don't get your fix.
8. Recover from meth and use your experience to write a book/go on TV and get super-rich.

uhm

happy new year