January 2, 2012

• How to Make Meth

  Warning: I'm pretty sure this post is illegal.

  Alright. This post is purely for educational purposes so you know what to look for on your kids' shopping lists so you can check to see if they're making meth, and certainly not for making meth for yourself. Now, I know what you're thinking: "You don't know what I'm thinking." but I do know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I don't know what you're thinking. You're also thinking "Kids don't make lists. They're highly disorganized; haven't you read Lord of The Flies?." And first of all, those kids on the island didn't have paper or writing utensils. If they did, a lot of death could have been avoided. Okay, so just trust me. These lists exist.

  Note: I am a Certified Psychic. I have read approximately 4,000 people's minds in the last 10 years.

  So, you're sick of marijuana and want something harder looking for what your kids might be buying to make meth. Remember, that making meth is illegal, so please don't do this. Please, for the love of the Virgin Mary.

  A short history of Meth: Meth was in invented in 1856 by Dr. Kurt Von Swirlmustache to enhance the performance of his fighting cocks. When his cock would clash with other cocks, he noticed that his had difficulty performing when entering the arena (Which was known as 'the hole'). Therefore, he went home and invented meth. After injecting his cock with the substance, he saw a drastic spike in it's performance, and developed such a fierce reputation that other cocks would literally shrink away when they saw it coming. One day, he was bored and tried some on himself, and in 1867, Meth Addiction was invented.

  How to make:
  
  First, you need a kitchen sink. Take all the dirty dishes that you never wash, and just throw them on the floor, because let's face it: the floor is such a mess anyway that it's going to literally be a drop in the bucket of the ocean of mess. You also should plug the hole in the sink so your meth does not slip away into the sewers, because then the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will get to it before you do.

  The second step is to make the meth in your sink. Remember, this is very dangerous and your whole kitchen could explode. After your kitchen explodes, the DEA will declare your house to be a meth lab and arrest you. So, very important tip: do not let your kitchen explode. If you have one of those huge black witch's cauldrons, that will also work.

  Next, mix all the following ingredients together:

  - A large bottle of shampoo
  - Cough syrup
  - Any liquid cleaner that contains ammonia
  - Chocolate syrup
  - Lye
  - The tears of a virgin
  - Lighter fluid
  - Gasoline
  - Paint Thinner
  - Iodine crystals
  - Baking soda
  - Battery acid
  - Red Bull
  - Benzene (I don't know what this is)
  - A pinch of salt

  Then, wait stir it with a large metal spoon, because a wooden spoon will almost certainly disintegrate. Then wait two days for the meth to sit. After two days, check on the meth. If it hasn't been stolen by roaming meth-heads (They have the sniffing power of a trained blood hound), then immediately cup some of it into your hands and drink the sweet nectar of the gods!! The next step is to let one tear drop from your eye and exclaim "I have become death... the destroyer of worlds!"

  I mean uh... don't do that. Make sure your kids aren't doing that. Always check your kitchen sink to make sure it isn't full of meth that your kids are making.

  If, by some of-chance, you happen to ingest some meth, you should immediately do the following:

  1. Do not call 911 or induce vomiting - the vomiting will be induced for you, and someone else will probably call 911 on you at some point.
  2. Begin roaming the streets and parks at night, occasionally screaming wildly for no reason.
  3. Get into a fight with a homeless person.
  4. Get arrested.
  5. End up on a reality TV show where they show a picture of you before-and-after meth.
  6. Deny you have a problem when anyone tells you that you're addicted.
  7. Tell everyone you need just small amounts of meth every now and then because your knee hurts. Also, tell them that the demons in your head won't stop screaming if you don't get your fix.
  8. Recover from meth and use your experience to write a book/go on TV and get super-rich.

  uhm

  happy new year

  • 2:25 pm
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