Read the original post here.

I was in the Yahoo.com area of the internet and I were been reading this article called Women Are a Mystery To Stephen Hawking.

I find this interesting. A physically-disabled 69-year-old man can't get a date in this day and age!? This is 2012! We have a half-black President, and a lesbian Secretary of State. Seriously, this is Stephen Hawking, the astrophysics genius who wrote A Brief History of Time, and correctly predicted that radiation could escape from the light-binding gravitational force of a black hole. That is pretty damn sexy.

For all you men/butch lesbians that don't understand women, I've written a short guide to help you poor, poor fools to understand. Once you read this guide, you will never have any problems ever again, with anything.

Whether you are married/engaged/have gf/complex love triangle/fuck buddies/whatever, women expect you to do a few things, and if you do not do these things, you need to immediately be castrated and sent to Antarctica.

1 - Women love attention from their man. Did you even notice that I got my hair cut? No, probably not. Men, when we are around, we're not just there to smile and look pretty. So no, we're not going to put an axe through your television or set your shoes on fire if you don't put away your video game. But maybe *I* want to play it with you. Have you ever considered that? Just buy me a controller and we can play together. Okay? Okay, how do I get out my gun? What, I don't have one? I don't see a... oh, there it is. Okay, how do I shoot? Ah! That guy just shot at me! Oh shit! Oh shit! Ah! Oh my god, I just killed that guy? Did you see that!?

2 - You don't need to be rich. But you need to be semi-rich, at least. If you can't throw around some coin for us, that's a huge turn-off. That says "If we get married, you'll be paying most of the bills with two jobs. Oh, I've been looking for a job, I just haven't been able to find one, but I have an interview next Friday. By the way, Wednesday night is video-game night, and I'm bringing the guys over for our team match. And no, you can't play. This team match is very important, and it will advance us to rank 14 on the ladder." and that's not right!!! I mean, you don't have to buy us diamond rings (at least, not right away), but you know, you could buy us like, you know, just stuff. Or better yet, you could MAKE something, like carve a life-size statue of a polar bear out of ice. That would be so cute!

3 - Show her that you really do care/love her. Don't play mind-games and try to make us all jealous. Just say how you feel, and maybe let us play during a team match sometime. I know we're not that good and always die to grenades, but we're getting better.

4 - Likewise, if there's an issue or you're not feeling sure about the relationship, SHUT UP. Just let me practice with you on sniper runs so I can get better. If you can't handle that, then maybe you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

5 - Discuss what type of relationship you want to have before you date her. If you want marriage, then... wow... uhm, that's kind of sudden. But yeah! If you want marriage, just tell us that's what you're looking for. If you just want sex, just say it, especially on the first date. Be really blunt about it, too. Just slide everything off the table in the middle of the restaurant and go "Let's cut the crap. I just want to fuck. It doesn't have to be you, but I just need to get my dick inside of something before I blow my brains out." and yeah, just be honest!! Who knows, we might say yes if you let us in on the team matches.

6 - This brings me to point number six which is women are bitches. I am a bitch. They are bitches. We are bitches. We do not forgive. We do not forget. The harder you try, the harder you will fail. All your carefully-picked arguments can be easily ignored. Nothing is sacred. You have been warned, you STUPID ASSHOLES.

7 - Women are emotional creatures. You can't just be all like "Oh, I'm just going to ignore you on game nights and not let you participate in any sniper runs or team matches ever." because goddamn it, I know I'm not that good at the fucking game, okay!? How am I ever going to get any better if we never play together or you don't like, teach me anything? Seriously, are you that stupid? You are being such a jerk right now. You don't think about my feelings EVER. It's all you, you, you, you. Well, guess what, asshole!? Play your stupid game with your stupid buddies. I don't even like this stupid game anyhow! I just wanted to play it because I was trying to be a good girlfriend and share an interest with you, but obviously, that's not important to you. Oh, so you're just going to sit there and not say anything? I'm leaving. Have a nice life, jerk!

These are some basics that most women want men to know about. Yes, we are a mystery, but so are men and their stupid game.

Did I leave anything out??? And men, does this guide help out????????

Warning: I'm pretty sure this post is illegal.

Alright. This post is purely for educational purposes so you know what to look for on your kids' shopping lists so you can check to see if they're making meth, and certainly not for making meth for yourself. Now, I know what you're thinking: "You don't know what I'm thinking." but I do know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I don't know what you're thinking. You're also thinking "Kids don't make lists. They're highly disorganized; haven't you read Lord of The Flies?." And first of all, those kids on the island didn't have paper or writing utensils. If they did, a lot of death could have been avoided. Okay, so just trust me. These lists exist.

Note: I am a Certified Psychic. I have read approximately 4,000 people's minds in the last 10 years.

So, you're sick of marijuana and want something harder looking for what your kids might be buying to make meth. Remember, that making meth is illegal, so please don't do this. Please, for the love of the Virgin Mary.

A short history of Meth: Meth was in invented in 1856 by Dr. Kurt Von Swirlmustache to enhance the performance of his fighting cocks. When his cock would clash with other cocks, he noticed that his had difficulty performing when entering the arena (Which was known as 'the hole'). Therefore, he went home and invented meth. After injecting his cock with the substance, he saw a drastic spike in it's performance, and developed such a fierce reputation that other cocks would literally shrink away when they saw it coming. One day, he was bored and tried some on himself, and in 1867, Meth Addiction was invented.

How to make:

First, you need a kitchen sink. Take all the dirty dishes that you never wash, and just throw them on the floor, because let's face it: the floor is such a mess anyway that it's going to literally be a drop in the bucket of the ocean of mess. You also should plug the hole in the sink so your meth does not slip away into the sewers, because then the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will get to it before you do.

The second step is to make the meth in your sink. Remember, this is very dangerous and your whole kitchen could explode. After your kitchen explodes, the DEA will declare your house to be a meth lab and arrest you. So, very important tip: do not let your kitchen explode. If you have one of those huge black witch's cauldrons, that will also work.

Next, mix all the following ingredients together:

- A large bottle of shampoo
- Cough syrup
- Any liquid cleaner that contains ammonia
- Chocolate syrup
- Lye
- The tears of a virgin
- Lighter fluid
- Gasoline
- Paint Thinner
- Iodine crystals
- Baking soda
- Battery acid
- Red Bull
- Benzene (I don't know what this is)
- A pinch of salt

Then, wait stir it with a large metal spoon, because a wooden spoon will almost certainly disintegrate. Then wait two days for the meth to sit. After two days, check on the meth. If it hasn't been stolen by roaming meth-heads (They have the sniffing power of a trained blood hound), then immediately cup some of it into your hands and drink the sweet nectar of the gods!! The next step is to let one tear drop from your eye and exclaim "I have become death... the destroyer of worlds!"

I mean uh... don't do that. Make sure your kids aren't doing that. Always check your kitchen sink to make sure it isn't full of meth that your kids are making.

If, by some of-chance, you happen to ingest some meth, you should immediately do the following:

1. Do not call 911 or induce vomiting - the vomiting will be induced for you, and someone else will probably call 911 on you at some point.
2. Begin roaming the streets and parks at night, occasionally screaming wildly for no reason.
3. Get into a fight with a homeless person.
4. Get arrested.
5. End up on a reality TV show where they show a picture of you before-and-after meth.
6. Deny you have a problem when anyone tells you that you're addicted.
7. Tell everyone you need just small amounts of meth every now and then because your knee hurts. Also, tell them that the demons in your head won't stop screaming if you don't get your fix.
8. Recover from meth and use your experience to write a book/go on TV and get super-rich.

uhm

happy new year

You know who they are. They're destroying the planet, burning our crops, stealing our money, raping our cats, causing wars, peeing in our showers, throwing innocent people in jail, letting guilty people out of jail, and stealing our happiness. We need to stop them.

I'm not talking about the zombies, and you should know that October is Zombie Awareness Month, and as you may or may not know, zombies are real and I'm completely serious. I'd like to believe that zombies were fake. No, I'd love to believe that zombies were fake. So naturally, even though this month is coming to an abrupt end, I'd just like everyone to keep in mind that the Zombie Apocalypse could begin at any seconds, so I recommend that you never sleep and stock up on zombie supplies. Also, remember: guns run out of ammunition. A crowbar is forever.

But okay yeah, back to my original point: SAMANTHA IS A GRADE-A SLUT CALL HER ASAP FOR A BLOW JOB The world was supposed to end again but it didn't because religious people are always wrong about everything. Well, maybe not everything. This one time I dropped a banana and a Mormon told me that I dropped a banana and I was like "Oh". Speaking of which...

"Hi, I'm Erika. I grew in the deep south. I'm a counselor and a photographer. I'm a Mormon."

What is up with these ads? I don't mean to post once every 3 months just to rag on religious people, but come on, seriously? This is the only religion I know of that advertises their brand like it's the latest smartphone. But then again, I guess even infallible truth needs the boost of millions of advertising dollars and paid actors to show people the light. I don't care for their marketing angle, either. It's just weird and creepy. Everyone in the ads are always smiling, good-looking and successful. They're always "normal" too, and have bios to back it up, like:

"Hi, I'm Crystal. I live in Ohio, I have a family with two beautiful boys, and I'm a  free-lance writer. I'm a Mormon."

"My name is Craig. I've always had a positive view on life, and I love people and animals, so I became a veterinarian. I'm also a Mormon."

"Hi, I'm Linda. My passion is saving our environment, and I run a development company dedicated to innovating alternative energy sources, and I'm a Mormon."

It's never like:

"Hi, my name is Mark and I'm a child molester. I'm a Mormon."

"Hello, my name is Samantha, and I am the biggest, skankiest slut alive, and I just sleep with other girls' boyfriends just because I like getting my vagina pounded 24/7, and I'm a Mormon."

"My name is Bart, and I'm in the KKK, and I hate niggers. I'm a Mormon."

"My name is Jerry, and I'm an alcoholic. And a Mormon."

"Hi, my name is Susan, and despite my name, I am a male, and I am a gay midget stripper who spends most of his time compulsively masturbating in my room which is covered with posters of David Hasselhoff. I also enjoy eating boogers, throwing eggs at dogs, and moshing at Celine Dion concerts and getting thrown out by security. And I'm a Mormon."

SEE!?

Think about all the weirdos who are Mormons. Now think about all the paid actors pretending to be Mormons in those ads. Now think about the weirdos who are Mormons again. Now think about all those smiling suburban white people who are Mormons. Now think about the weirdos. Now think about a dead fish coming back to life. Now think about the actors being paid to be Mormons. Now think about the weirdos again. Now think about the Mormon actors again. Now think about the weirdos again. Now think about smiling actors in Mormon costumes. Now think about your mom naked. NO WAIT DON'T! DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

Wait.

I wasn't talking about Mormons. I was talking about them. They're trying to control our minds and keep us in the dark and I'm tired of it. We need a worldwide revolution to turn the tables on them and take the power back. But wait, "but wait!" you say, adding, "Who are 'they'?" and the answer is: look in a mirror. I just blew your mind like M. Night Shamallamalayan.

Sometimes, there are posts on Xanga that make me want to facepalm for hours. More often than not, such posts are written up on Revelife. It's not that I hate Christians or Christianity. This has nothing to do with hate; it has everything to do with my crazy theory that when you die, you don't go to some mystical other world. I think people, as conscious beings with our survival instinct, want badly to believe that we somehow remain conscious after our brains shut off.

I have bad news for such people. Once you die, you're dead. That's it... it's like a computer being shut down for it's last time. It doesn't process any more data, it doesn't make any more funny noises, and doesn't let you peruse through pornography for hours on end.

So this is my response post. MY commentary is in hot pink.

Sins We Don't Realize Are Sins

ONE: 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'
That also means that spending too much time on things like computer, video games, and TV is a sin. (Time just really flies by fast for me when I'm on these things.)

The title of this post just made me "What the hell" it up for a little while. Christians obsess endless about what is sin and what's not sin to no end, and suspect that they could be sinning and not even knowing it by doing doing normal modern activities, such as interacting with technology for longer than... some arbitrary amount of time.

But if the law is contradicting with the 10 commandments then we can bend it.

Just... what the hell.

What do you think about this list?  What are some other things that are sinful that we might forget about?

I thought it was gay.

I think there are an infinite number of universes being created instantaneously every second, and each one has completely different rules, so that no matter what you do, in some realm of existence, it's a sin, even feeding baby lambs, or eating vegetables.

Note: When I say "friends", I'm referring to people who tolerate my existence, but if it came down to it, and if there was a Mayan apocalypse, they would push me into the rising waters as they board the ark.

Okay, maybe you've heard this before, and I've certainly heard it quite a few times: "Hey, you should write a book." and obviously, I shouldn't. Now I realize that this phrase isn't actually encouragement to write a book, but it's just a way of being polite, like how when you say "Excuse me" after you burp, even though it's a perfectly acceptable bodily function that you don't owe anyone anything for.

But let's say hypothetically, my friends/family/enemies were being serious. And let's also say that I was enough of a narcissist to go ahead and do it (I'm not implying that all authors are narcissists. Actually, I am. They're all full of it.)

First of all, I would want my book to not just be a book, but a literary masterpiece, and carve a notch into my leg for every blemish in my magnus opus' perfection. I would have this insane standard for my work, and would turn into a crazy person who saves her pee in jars. There would be so many plot twists that I would need to post notes all over my walls, connected by strands of yarn, just so I can remember what the hell is even happening in my book. I would go out of my way to cram terms like "ubiquitous" and "egregious" into the book, and do my best to use so many obscure words in bizarre sequences and leap-of-faith metaphors so that nothing even makes any sense. My theory is that after I die, my work will be considered "genius" because it makes absolutely no sense, and is senseless drivel that can be fawned over by pseudo-intellectuals who have poetry books in their houses. *shudders*

SECOND. Good lord. Do you even realize how many people decide to write books? A lot, apparently. Especially fiction. Fiction is easier to write, because you can just write anything you want. Like, you can say that sharks are impervious to lasers, which I know for a fact is false. Therefore, for all you aspiring fiction writers, you're screwed. You are roughly the equivalent to a garage band that constantly practices, but never plays any shows. Sure, they make music. They write songs. Just nobody has ever heard of them, and only the band mates girlfriends/boyfriends have their t-shirts. Their family members are too ashamed to wear the t-shirts. Do you know whose books get read? People who are already famous. Think about it; do you want to read a book on a subject by some nobody?

If you answered 'yes', then you need to stuff yourself into a birdhouse and die.

Most people don't realize that writing the book is only 10% of the battle; selling it is the other 90% of the game, and 100% reason to remember the name. Marketing and selling the product is harder than writing for most people, because you have to become a salesperson. Book stores want books on their shelves that will sell. You have to convince them that your book is going to sell drive the kids wild. You can't just say "It's going to sell because it's really good." because that doesn't even make any sense. I remember reading about this inspirational speaker (I can't remember who it was) who asked his audience "Who here can make a better hamburger than McDonald's?" and a bunch of hands went up. Then he asked them "So how come McDonald's is making more money than you?" If you write a great book, you also have to have a strategy, the charisma, the optimism and the drive to sell the fuck out of that book, and most people back down from that challenge, because they don't want to get caught in kissing the asses of white guys in suits, or in some cases, PMS-y old women in pants-suits.

People who start from nothing and become overnight successes by writing books is a rare thing, which is what makes it so special to be one of those people, but you can't count on having that kind of luck. To be honest, I probably wouldn't be able to put my paper on the shelves. I'm not being a pessimist, that's actually the truth! Getting a book deal isn't like getting a record deal. Publishing companies dole out the ca$h for advertising for their proven money-makers or celebrities writing books for them. As a rule, they don't really consider your book for printing unless you have a marketing plan with the book. My marketing plan would be to throw my books at people from a building and hope they pick it up and start reading it. Then, through word-of-mouth, they would adore me, then a week later, I'm on Oprah. Oh wait, she doesn't have a show anymore. Nevermind.

Question of the day: Chipmunks?

Dear Apple Computers, inc.,

I am writing this letter to you out of concern for the safety of your product, the Apple "iPad". It has come to my attention that you have no warning label on this product for the Apple "iPad" concerning it's potential as a choking hazard. On June 26th, 2011, I had to be rushed to the Emergency Room after accidentally ingesting your product, which became clogged in my esophagus, and had to be removed in a 4-hour operation that nearly cost me my life. This is a very serious matter that needs to be addressed immediately, as the increasing costs of healthcare could certainly lead to numerous lawsuits concerning your product, the Apple "iPad". Therefore, I am petitioning Apple Computers, inc., to re-call the "iPad", and redistribute them accordingly with a proper warning label that addresses the issue of the "iPad" as a choking hazard. That being said, I am not going to sue because I love Apple Computers, and proudly have been pwning Macs since 1994 and have been doing so ever since. I am eagerly awaiting the launch of your latest product, the "iPad nano", which I heard about from reliable sources (my friends).

Regards,

Nicole Richie

That's right -- I'm dead.

I am writing this from the beyond to tell you that it sucks. You know that Matt Damon movie Thereafter? Probably not. That was the most boring Bourne movie I've ever seen. Well, it gives the impression that the afterlife is really cool, and that there's a mini-bar that serves unlimited refills of root beer.

Since my life is over, I just want to say that it was pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but if I could be remembered for one thing, I guess I'd like people to remember to always keep their breath fresh. The other day, some guy was talking to me, and I didn't hear any words come out of his mouth, just toxic green clouds of garlic and carbon monoxide. Like, I think if he exhaled on a skunk, it would die instantly.

My best memories were: When I learned to tie my shoes using the bunny-ears method, getting my first pet, doing my one and only stand-up comedy show, listening to this song, watching that video of Ironstove drinking that smoothie with sardines in it, eating peanuts, finding religion and then losing it under the couch cushions only to find it again six months later, dying my hair black, almost cutting a fish's head off but then chickening out, flushing the toilet and watching the poopies go down, and of course, BANGING YOUR MOM. SUP!?

Happy April 1st, you little fools. =)

This entry is going to very graphic and disturbing to most people. I usually am kidding, but not this time. You are about take a very dark journey into my mind. You will question my morals after this.

So okay, this one time, I was like "Whatever", and like, yeah. It was a hot day in June or July, and I saw this guy sitting on a park bench with his golden retriever by his side, and I noticed he was blind. I was licking an ice cream cone. If you are curious, it was vanilla ice cream. I walked up to him in my rainbow Converses and said "Hey, are you blind?" and he was like, "Chyaw." so I was like "Perfect." so I took him to my secret lair, along with two other people whom I had... uh... acquired, and told them my dastardly plan.

"Ladies and gentleman," I began, "I have a vision. A vision for a human centipede. What I am going to do is stitch all of you together, mouth-to-anus, so that you form a train of human beings. Don't ask me why I have this in mind, I didn't really put much thought into it at all."

One of patients raised her hands as I put on the white rubber gloves. "Yes?" I axed. "Uhm, you realize that even though our digestive systems are connected, we each will need separate nutrients, right? I mean, a human can't just live on feces." she said.

So I was like "A minor flaw, but I'll work it out later."

Then they were like "Well, also our urinary tracts wouldn't be connected, so wtf? Plus, we'd have separate blood streams. Also, how would we be able to breathe? This plan makes no sense."

I was really getting frustrated, so I was like "Okay, nevermind." and I just let them all go.

I'm sorry that this was so incredibly disturbing. Do not worry, though, it was fiction. You can calm down now, it wasn't real. I used Hunt's ketchup for the blood, and raw hamburger meat for the guts. I later fed the hamburger meat to the blind man's golden retriever. The dog barked playfully, and we all laughed together as a family around the fireplace.

Then we ate the golden retriever.

jk.

or did we?

no

jk

yeah

bye

Overview:

This post was designed to save the pandas. This is not a "humor" post, because after receiving a few random hate comments among hundreds of love comments, I saw the error of my ways and decided that humor wasn't really my forte. Panda salvation is. I hope this post saves at least a thousand pandas, but even a hundred would be nice.

Main content, activate:

Hi Xanga. Remember when I said I was going to retire from Xanga for eternity? It turns out that I just had to go pee. Also, nothing can escape the swirling black void of Xanga, except explosive gamma rays. So actually, I'll probably end up posting like 4-5 times per year, and I expect to get no less than 300 comments on each post, and 67,000 views. This may seem unrealistic considered that there aren't even that many active users, but I think if everyone refreshes this page 500 times, it should be doable.

Okay, enough of that, though.

Pandas: these majestic bears of the Far East are in danger. Endangered, in fact. This is why, we, as rational human beings must save them from almost certain death, because it's clear that nature has it in for them. I don't even want to someday open up a book about Dinosaurs and tell my child, "See these? These are dinosaurs."

"Cool!" My little one will say, and ask "Can we go to the zoo and see them?"

"No, they're all dead." I'd reply, and add "Now go play."

I don't think I can go through that same scenario when it comes to pandas. I would just break down from panic, and throw up all over my kids. I mean, I can't imagine a world with no pandas. I would go to the coffee shop, and sit down with my coffee at a table, watching the people walking down the sidewalk, going about their hectic lives on a cold day with grey clouds and think to myself "Hot damn, I wish pandas weren't dead." and quietly sip my coffee. It would be very dreary and dismal, and to be honest, that's not how I want our future to be like. I want our future to include pandas.

I don't know many facts about pandas. I know that I like them, though, and I don't mean as food, HAHA! j/k j/k j/k j/k j/k. I know that they eat bamboo, and that the Chinese are chopping down all the bamboo forests as part of the Cultural Revolution or something. I'm pretty sure that pandas do not have orgasms, so they don't like having sex. The male pandas just look down when they're ejaculating and go "What's all this white stuff coming out of my furry bear penis? That's weird." and then just go about their daily lives of eating bamboo and not having orgasms.

I have a plan to save pandas, though. My plan is based on two facts:

1. All environmental problems are our fault.

2. All environmental problems can be remedied by doing small acts, such as recycling a can of delicious A&W Root Beer.

First, the reason pandas are endangered is because we keep killing them. The more we kill pandas, the rarer they become. When animals become rare, the price for their fur/meat gets really jacked up, making people want to kill them even more. This is because when animals become rare, governments enact laws to protect them, making it illegal to kill the said animals. The more difficult it is to kill pandas, because of conservationism and protection laws, the higher and higher the price goes.

So here is my solution. We need to make it legal to kill pandas, first of all. This will make all the warlords in Cambodia say to themselves "Oh, panda fur is legal now? Well, now I don't really want it." and the price will drop dramatically. The next thing we need to do is to drive interest in panda fur down by making it unfashionable, and we can do this by dismissing panda fur as being so passe. It would probably help to post a daily reminder of this by writing down on your refrigerator "I do not care about pandas." or getting a coffee mug that reads "Panda fur is so 2008. Wear chinchilla."

Okay, now go do it.