November 30, 2010

  • Puke (Very graphic entry)

    This entry is going to very graphic and disturbing to most people. I usually am kidding, but not this time. You are about take a very dark journey into my mind. You will question my morals after this.

    So okay, this one time, I was like "Whatever", and like, yeah. It was a hot day in June or July, and I saw this guy sitting on a park bench with his golden retriever by his side, and I noticed he was blind. I was licking an ice cream cone. If you are curious, it was vanilla ice cream. I walked up to him in my rainbow Converses and said "Hey, are you blind?" and he was like, "Chyaw." so I was like "Perfect." so I took him to my secret lair, along with two other people whom I had... uh... acquired, and told them my dastardly plan.

    "Ladies and gentleman," I began, "I have a vision. A vision for a human centipede. What I am going to do is stitch all of you together, mouth-to-anus, so that you form a train of human beings. Don't ask me why I have this in mind, I didn't really put much thought into it at all."

    One of patients raised her hands as I put on the white rubber gloves. "Yes?" I axed. "Uhm, you realize that even though our digestive systems are connected, we each will need separate nutrients, right? I mean, a human can't just live on feces." she said.

    So I was like "A minor flaw, but I'll work it out later."

    Then they were like "Well, also our urinary tracts wouldn't be connected, so wtf? Plus, we'd have separate blood streams. Also, how would we be able to breathe? This plan makes no sense."

    I was really getting frustrated, so I was like "Okay, nevermind." and I just let them all go.

    I'm sorry that this was so incredibly disturbing. Do not worry, though, it was fiction. You can calm down now, it wasn't real. I used Hunt's ketchup for the blood, and raw hamburger meat for the guts. I later fed the hamburger meat to the blind man's golden retriever. The dog barked playfully, and we all laughed together as a family around the fireplace.

    Then we ate the golden retriever.

    jk.

    or did we?

    no

    jk

    yeah

    bye

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