December 31, 2008

  • My Predictions for 2009 (Which will come true)

    Warning: Do not read this post if you have poor bowel control.

    2008 is reaching it's climatic end, and 2009 is going to come, and therefore, as usual, I'm going to make a whole bunch of predictions, which will be eerily accurate. You will be freaked out like a cat is when you turn the vacuum cleaner on.

    Let me just highlight a few predictions that came partially true:

    - In December 2007, I predicted Barack Obama would become the next president.

    - I also predicted Jimmy Fallon would be further forgotten, which is sort of weird, because he's going to get control over "Late Night"

    - In 2005, I predicted the date in which Iran would start it's nuclear program, it was off by one day, which actually, freaked me out.

    None of my football predictions came true. I fail at sports, but it doesn't matter because I never cared for Football anyway. And that includes Not-American Football, you know, the one where you actually kick a ball with your foot.

    Here are my predictions:

    1. An ox will die.

    There is no need to explain this one.

    2. Samuel L. Jackson will die.

    Love Sam Jackson? Well, in 2009, Darwin will take him home to the void of non-existence as part of the Great Circle of Life. Just remember, when one dies, they turn into dirt, which grows into grass, which the cattle eat, and then we eat the cattle. So next time you're downing a 99 cent burger from McDonald's, remember, you're really eating Samuel L. Jackson. He will be missed.


    3. NBC will come up with a bunch of new shows that are terrible, and will cancel them all.

    Because, as you know, all their legendary shows did great in the first season.

    4. The icons for TheTheologiansCafe and John will both discover Rogaine

    and will grow hair! Then everyone will make such a big deal about it, that they'll get pissed off and just shave the hair off.

    5. On July 22, 2009, The French Government will announce a state of emergency.

    And it will get minimal US news coverage, because of a celebrity scandal.

    6. My thyroid will fling out of control.

    This will cause me to gain 300 pounds in about the space of 6 weeks. I will suffer several massive strokes, which will cause me to believe that I saw the ghost of Napoleon telling me to find his lost treasure.

    7. Strip Poker will lose it's popularity.

    However, Strip Solitare's popularity will skyrocket.

    8. There will be a Zerg Rush.

    9. Someone will call me an idiot. I will respond by calling them a jerk. Later, I will apologize for the incident, and they won't return an apology, but rather simply state "The reason I did it is because I was having a bad day and alcohol was involved."

    Yeah.

    10. Various things will happen at different times.

    Yes. Scenarios will unfold, time will move forward at rate relative to our vantage point, shit will occur. There will be wild fires. Ryan Seacrest will not come out of the closet, nor will Queen Latifah. Or Adam Corolla. Oh yeah, I said it. Obama's inauguration will not end with Obama bursting into a tirade of street slang mocking us all.

    So, there you are. Find a sturdy object and brace yourselves, not because this year is going to be a wild one, but just out of general paranoia.

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