March 25, 2009

• The Official Guide to Writing Official Guides

  Everyday on Xanga, I receive hundreds of letters by people asking me questions such as "Please read my latest post, guys!", "I have a new site guys. It's colours___clashxx. Friend and sub.", and of course "How do I write those awesome official guides that everyone does?"

  And it's true. Everyone seems to do them, therefore, they're definitely worth writing, because people love lists. My theory is that lists remind them of grocery lists, and grocery lists remind them of food, and people like food. There's even a Xanga sistersite that is devoted to blogs from people who have sex with food. While my religion prevents me from endorsing human-food sexual relationships, I found their stories fascinating. But I should say that in the Old Testament, they'd be stoned for that. Stoned. In the Old Testament. Don't forget it.

  Note: I briefly considered saying "...and food reminds them of bacon, and bacon reminds them of Kevin Bacon." but I didn't, but then decided to put it into a note.

  Therefore, I give you
  
  The Official Guide To Writing Official Guides

  Alright, so you want to write an official guide? Well, if you plan to write one, it needs an interesting intro to lure readers into your e-beartrap, and starting that intro with a relatable rhetorical question. Trust me, just go with the rhetorical question until you've practiced your English Skillz to the point where you make a rhetorical statement, or perhaps even a rhetorical exclamation. Don't try either of these until you have plenty of experience with rhetorical questions, or else you'll make yourself look like an idiot in front of all your friends, and it'll be soooo embarrassing, like that time you got your pants pulled down at that party, but your pants also dragged your underwear down with them and everybody totally saw you. Yeah.

  - Next, be sure to declare your guide "official", which is obviously false, because I'm almost certain you need to blow a ton of money on a university to be able to make your guide actually official. What's important is that you make "official" ironically, because then you'll make yourself appear to be witty.

  - Be sure to pick a topic that is popular, such as dating and friendship. Or food, because food is good, amirite? Try to avoid controversial subjects, like "The Official Guide to Aborting Your Baby", because a bunch of bored mothers with nothing better to do with their time will get all butthurt. Then, they will write a counter-post telling their 13 subscribers how incredibly tasteless and god-awful you are, and then you'll have to kill yourself with a pen.

  - Also, avoid confusing topics, such as "The Official Guide To Starting Your Own Caribbean Island Dictatorship", because IT WILL CONFUSE THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE. As your loyal readers struggle through the post, they will begin bursting into tears, and then, projectile bleeding ala Kill Bill. That reminds me, I want Uma Thurman's yellow jumpsuit. I would wear that on casual fridays, that is, if we ever get casual friday back, which I strongly doubt will happen after what happened. But I don't want to talk about that. I'm trying to block it out.

  - Organize all your tips into neat little bulletpoints, where you start with the tip, and then explain the reasoning behind it. The reasoning is fairly important, because you have to convince people why they should follow your advice. If you don't explain yourself, your bulletpoints will look like this:

  - Paint your walls red.

  - See? That doesn't make any sense without some explanation. Suppose in a previous bullet, I said "Avoid confusing subjects" and didn't elaborate further. You'd probably say "Jigga what?" because you wouldn't know what the fuck I was talking about.

  Finally, all good guides should end with a good conclusion. It's important that you tell people to be creative, inventive, etc., or whatever to make people think you care about their individuality. Then you should offer a warning that your tips don't work for everyone to create a layer of legal protection, because if someone's mother becomes impaled with a Jack Osbourne bobble-head doll because of your stupid-ass guide, then you're getting sued, as we live in a obnoxiously litigious society. Oh yeah, one more thing. At the end of the post, in big black thick letters, write the following:

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  • 3:39 pm
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