May 6, 2009
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Minimize Your Doucheyness With Three Easy Steps!
Let's face it: you're a douchebag. You know it. I know it. We all know it. Obscure undiscovered Amazon river tribes know it. I know it's not easy to quit, but it's like the sticky-icky and you can quit. But you want to. But you can't. If you need encouragement to quit, here are some words from TroothProductions: "If you're a douchebag, then fuck you. Fuck... you. You stupid fuck. What the fuck. Do you wake up each day with the goal of setting record-breaking new levels of stupidity? You should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the biggest fucktard in the history of history."
Luckily for you, I've assembled a team of experts to deliver you these tips to reduce your doucheyness:
1. Stop being such a fucking hypocrite.
Let me give an example. Between bouts of praying and Bible-reading, you see these kids smoking. You walk up to them and tell them "You shouldn't smoke. It causes deformed infants." and then when they reply using colorful language explaining that they don't care, you tell them you love them, because you want brownie points with God so you can get to Heaven, and then walk away triumphantly. Later, you go to a party and get loaded.
Stop it.
2. Shut the fuck up.
Don't talk back to me. Shut up, you moron. No one likes a douchebag who just will not stop talking about stuff no one cares about. If your tirades are met with tons of sarcasm, eye-rolling, stunned silence, people walking away, and knives being pulled, then that's a good indicator that when you talk, it makes people hate your guts, and so you obviously should just shut it. Geeze.
3. Go fuck yourself!
I'm serious. A lack of healthy, adult sexual expression creates a lot of suppressed emotional energy that needs to be expended. I'm not a scientist (but I play one on television. My character is the sassy, back-talking genius that was put into the show because the cast was all men, and they needed a strong, free-minded female voice to balance it out, but also pull in a larger demographic so they can make more money from ads. Hm, perhaps I've said too much...) but I'm pretty sure that a drought of sexual pleasure will cause certain chemicals to build up in the brain, causing stress, and these chemicals can only be released by the stimulation of certain nerves that trigger only when experiencing sexual pleasure, SO GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Have a nice day. =)
Comments (62)
So, uh, yeah.
Doucheyness is not cool, not at all.
lawl
Doucheyness, that is me. By the way, welcome back to blogging.
And now i know how to rid of doucheyness. haha
Douchebaggery is funny, but only in certain circumstances and to certain extents, such as being a douche to one of your friends to provoke a laughing statement of "you douche!" or during a game of Sorry when you use your Sorry! or 11 card to make things more difficult for a particular oppentent instead of taking the move that would have been more beneficial for you. Otherwise, I am in complete agreement to you.
On a sidenote, isn't it amazing how Blizzard Entertainment has produced three game themes only and has been successful in terms of millions of dollars and devoted gamers who still play a game that takes up the same amount of memory as a CD?
big bang? perhaps you have...
@ruined_tears - Yeah, I noticed that. The other day, I was talking to someone and I said "Blizzard will probably be repackaging the same games with better graphics over and over again for eternity". Then I lol'd.
I love that you keep it real, just say what you feel. Yea, I didn't mean to rhyme. I'm just that cool.
I figured that scientist was you. She's carrying a laptop over her head.
PS... I'm glad you still know me. I changed my username and my hairstyle.
i want a douchescicle!
I'd say that there should be a way to rid the world of douchebags but brainwashing would take a long time and the only other option would be genocide. Which isn't really an option.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I love you Nori.
I think you have completely lost your mind.
I'm just unsure of how long ago it happened.
Haha....fucktard.
@Ritzypuffles - Nori knows all, even when you do a name change, that you didn't tell anyone about for awhile...
further proof that Nori really is a Ninja or a God(dess) not sure which, probably both. Either way, still great to have you back Nori. <3 w/ the lolz
...rough day?
I support number 3!
I know too many douches. *sobs*
haha!
Haha that made my day Nori.
Haha... angry much?
I don't have much experience with the douchbaggery, but now I know exactly what to tell one if I see one. Thank you, Nori.
Thank You, I would have never figured it out on my own.
I will watch out for each of these.
My reaction to the second picture:
:O
geez, Nori... i thought you said three EASY steps... liar.
i can't change overnight!
ryc: well, that wasn't ME saying that about Featured Weblogs; just what i've seen going around. i rarely read them, anyway, but you and i are on the same page with the diversity thing.
Nothing in this post resembles me. lol
I guess I'm not a douche
a douche a day keeps the rest of the fuckers away.
LOL to #2! :p
hahah! I love the random cat! simple and straight forward...very nori style.
...oh Nori...its good to see you are back!
The third one is my fave. Forrealz.
Call women "bitch". You bitch :p
After reading this I think you might be the perfect person for me....I'm just gonna throw that out there. Marriage might be a possibility. Seriously though I have to deal with these Assholes all day and its no picnic.
I'm, suprisingly, greatful for the douchebags. It'll make it easier to decide who I'll take out when I go crazy and shoot up the place at work.
ahahaha!
i know why the cat is smiling!
Lol.
eye <3 nori
LoL you are a crack up man. Are you really an actor? what shows/movies are u in?
(worth a try)
sweetness!
Nice. Fucking cats...
amen to that .
this is perfect for the douche i sit beside in english class .
*rolls eyes* Hahaha... Amen
Oh how we've missed you...
To whom are these pointers directed at? (Other than douchebags of course.)
somebody's holding a grudge?
The only good thing about a douche is that they help keep vaginas clean.
you are perpetually hilarious... and i love the chosen images.
But Nori, we need douches for the same reason Superman needs Lex!
I wonder... What a man would do with a cucumber....
Also, DBags make the rest of us more friend worthy... Ill take all the DB rejects any day... Haha
Love you.
3 is definantly on my list.
what the hell is wrong with that cat? are cats supposed to smile so creepily?
How's this? The non-smoking, non-dancing, non-drinking Baptist preacher used to send his then under-age son to the liquor store for him????
this was funny. random cat. ha.
Well hello. You probably don't remember me.......
It will be a good idea to attach a handle to that cucumber since the cucumber might get sucked into rectum of the douchebag when fucking himself/herself.
Heard of chopsticks going right in. True Story.
the NO U pic just made me collapse with laughter.
Too funny!
The 3rd one was clever.
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