November 25, 2009

• How To Deal With Injuries: An Unofficial Guide That Will Help You A Lot

  Let's face it: shit happens.

  You're just sitting down, reading a good book (I won't give any examples, because that's very subjective, so just assume it's "Crime and Punishment") when out of nowhere, you snap your tibia. Minutes later, you're breathing through a tube and being rushed into an emergency room where the doctors all are fucking each other and have a lot of emotional problems, and the senior surgeons try to mentor their apprentices on life issues while performing open heart surgery on you. You wake up 28 years later, and find out there is a Gay Muslim President in America, and that women's shoes are more uncomfortable than ever.

  What I just described happens everyday, especially to children with sad, soulful eyes. However, life goes on, and you are in luck, in fact! Now that your leg was mangled in a yogurt-machine, people will feel sorry for you and do you favors, and you can get to the front of all the rides. There is no better feeling than saying "Pardon me, but I was horribly injured, and I may not live much longer and before I go, I want to live life to the fullest." and the rollercoaster-ride-guy goes "Certainly, right this way! You don't have to wait." then you go "Bless you, sir!" then get into your seat, and just before the ride goes, you turn to all the people waiting in line and give them all the finger. The middle finger.

  Now, if you encounter someone who is injured, the first thing you should do is ask "Are you okay?" in the stupidest-sounding voice possible. This will feign concern, which is vital to Looking Good In Front Of Everybody. When they groan "No." the next thing you should do is elevate the injured part of their body. This won't do anything, but it may make you seem knowledgeable about first aid, like you read a pamphelet. The next step is to put ice on it. Just loads and loads of ice, because when someone hurts, you have to just do something; it doesn't really matter what, just as long as it appears helpful to the person in question, and onlookers. If there is no ice, take off your pants and soak them in toilet water, then wrap them around the victim's foot. The next step is to find out if they need to go to the hospital. NEVER take them to the hospital yourself, because you'll be in there for a long time, and that's quite a drag, so always just help load them into someone else's car then look on as they are driven off into the sunset, feeling good about how you handled that situation.

  Getting seriously injured is great for collecting money from liability suits against companies, so advise all of you get into an altercation with a work-related machine so you can get paid da money money. A hand or finger is a small price to pay for 22 million dollars, but I'd say it's a fairly good trade-off, just so long as it appear that the company is responsible. Don't just stick your hand in a chopping machine; that's just silly, but rather, do something like step in front of a forklift while wearing ear-protecty-headphone-thingies and then later say "I couldn't hear the forklift, and because the company makes me wear these, it's their fault."

  If you are injured, you are the most important person in the world. If someone is rude to you, they're a terrible person, because they should be thankful that they're healthy and in one piece while your walking on crutches. That's the most important of post-injury: the attitude. You have to let people know, constantly, just how much pain you were in, and how much psychological pain you're in. You weren't just hurt on the outside; your very soul and being was crippled and the only way you can be restored to full health is to receive a lot of sympathy from other people, but especially, strangers. If someone doesn't just gush with sympathy and compassion about injury, then they're a piece of shit! Fuck them!

  For those who encounter the crippled: it is best to avoid them at all costs. After all, they want to waste your time with their burden. On top of that, they never just want to talk about normal things, like sex and drugs, no, they always want to talk about their injuries. As a non-crippled person, you want to get your mind positive by surrounding yourself with positive energy, and discuss non-crippled topics with fellow non-crippled people. Now, if you're trapped and a cripple has cornered you, and you can't just jump from wall to wall, gradually gaining height to escape to the roof like in a Jackie Chan movies, then you should do the following: Pretend to be 'treating them normally', but talk in a awkward voice, slightly louder than normal. Always ask them why they're wearing a cast. "Why are you wearing a cast?" you ask. "I slipped on my cat and fell down the stairs." they reply, to which you follow up by asking "Are you okay?", which is kind of a weird question, because their foot is obviously hurt or broken, but in theory, they could lead a long, productive life full of happiness, but you have to assess how they feel about their injury. If they go "Eh, oh this? It's fine." then they'll heal in a matter of weeks, thus giving you permission to not really care, but maybe help them out with a few tasks, then sign the cast for fun. If they complain about the injury, then odds are, they will never heal, ever. Years after the cast is off, they'll still say their foot hurts, so it's a good idea to never speak to them again. End the conversation by telling them you're late for a very important appointment with the vet, even if you don't own a pet, and in fact, especially if you don't own a pet.

  Remember, above all else, just remember to pretend you care, but that's the glue that holds the house-of-cards that is society together.

  Enjoy your Thanksgiving, and don't try to deep-fry your turkey, because that will likely start a large grease fire.

  • 6:30 pm
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