June 14, 2010

• I Approve Of All This Xanga Drama

  

  Imagine this: you come home at night after a long day of reticulating splines, when you open the door and find out your entire apartment is filled with cake frosting. I mean filled to the roof, so when the door opens, there is simply a wall of cake frosting.

  Imagine you purchase a golden retriever, only to learn that it is incapable of participating in human sports, such as soccer. You fall to your knees in utter despair, as your soul goes to a dark gay closet of depression. "WHY GOD, WHY?" you yell, shaking a fist at the infinity of the cosmos, because Air Bud was a absolute lie, and your peewee soccer team is going to have to bring home fake plastic silver trophies instead of fake plastic gold trophies, and that makes me a very sad panda.

  Imagine you're doodling a unicorn, but you make it's eyes super-huge and so cute that you can't stop staring at the cuteness and fall into a coma and wake up in the year 2044 and find out there still aren't flying cars yet. Then you fall to your knees in front of the ruins of the Statue of Liberty and yell "NO!!!!"

  These are the sorts of everyday adverse situations that the average Xangan goes through. Plus, no one can get laid, and everyone else got raped. They always reveal their rape in vivid detail, and concludes quietly with their solemn resolution of forgiveness/hatred for their molester, and it's super-awkward for me and I'm like "Whoa! I need to go outside for a minute." and then I come back and insensitively, but not deliberately so, post "That is awful! I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your hymen." and then delete, delete, delete; wonder what the hell is wrong with me; repeat.

  All of this causes Xangans to have a lot of Xanga-rage, or Xange, as it is known. This rage normally simmers in the cob-web-draped chasms of their psyche, only to unexpectedly manifest at a later time in the form of criminal acts/participation in children's television. But because of the advent of blogging, all this Xange can come out in a more positive manner that does not involve slashing the tires of my bicycle for no reason or dressing up as a giant purple mentally-retarded dinosaur that hugs little children way too much for me to feel comfortable with it. Unfortunately, these raging people cause Xanga Drama, or Xangrama, as it known. They will comment something like "You are ignorant." on a random post that explains how American kids should be required to pledge allegiance to Thor by law, and the shit catapults with be calibrated, directing their trajectory so that the fecal projectiles are intercepted by The Fan. And by that, I mean shit will hit the fan.

  This is the kind of hot, hot action that you can't just seal in a zip-lock baggy, but it makes certain people cry. But let's face it, crybabies: you didn't have anything to blog about, so "all this drama" (which is perpetually occurring, so don't ask me "What drama!? GUH GUH GUH") gave you an opportunity to replace your usual mundane, uninspiring blah blah blog with your hilariously overly-idealistic teary plea for The Drama to stop.
  
  Well, I have news for you: Preying Mantis females bite the heads off males after intercourse, and  - also - the drama will never stop.

  You could just go ahead and leave Xanga fo' life and go to Facebook, but lo and behold, there will be Facebook drama. Then you go "Eff this!" and then decide to participate in Bird-Watching, then find out there is Bird-Watching drama, and you're all "WUT!!!!"

  No matter where you go, there will be drama, especially if you work at a theater. You can do two things:

  1. Cry about how it needs to end, and curl up in a corner weeping.
  
  2. Grow a spine, and join the vertebrate family.

  If you don't want to be part of the Xangrama, then I suggest you write a blog about it. Wait. I mean DON'T write a blog about it. Talk about your stuff. Talk about how funny your cat is, or how you're learning to play acoustic guitar, or how you're building a robot that masturbates, etc.

  Now, I already know that approximately 0% of everyone will take my advice, but I just wanted to incorporate the phrase "masturbating robot" into a blog, and this seemed like a pretty good way to accomplish that. Plus, I say let the drama go down. Only, let me lay down some ground rules:

  1. No "Your mom" insults.

  2. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE.

  3. You're never wrong. Don't ever give up until everyone knows just how damn right you are. Do not leave your house or go to get food until you win.

  4. Always get the last word. If the other person says "I choose not to participate in this childishness", then reply with "I guess I win then. You just couldn't come up with a retort for my inexplicable brilliance."

  5. Always tell everyone you absolutely care 0% for the person you're arguing with, but spend 100% of your effort to defame them as hard as you can.

  6. Funny pictures, please.

  7. If possible, compose a freestyle rap to diss your opponent, and use racial slurs.

  8. Ass.

  9. Do not disrupt the fabric of reality, causing an implosion of the universe where the expansion of matter instantly regresses back into a singularity.

  10. Use lots of expletives just to let everyone know how much righteous anger you have.

  Now, go, let the drama commence!
  

  p.s. - Air Bud isn't a true story, is it?
  

  • 7:06 pm
  • 90 Comments