June 16, 2010

• I Didn't Die

  This post might not be appropriate for ALL audiences.

  A lot of people have been telling me that they thought I was dead. I am pleased to inform you that these rumours are absolutely true.

  I mean false.

  What really happened is pretty complicated. One morning, I opened the newspaper to look for jobs and then I said to myself "What am I? 50?" and then decided to look on the computer for a job. So I got on my trusty computer, and double-clicked on The Internet and went to Google.com, and instinctively typed in "porn please" but then remembered that I was hunting for a job, so I went to a job search site. I saw this one where you had to buy groceries for old people, but then I learned that I wasn't allowed to eat the groceries, and I had to buy what they wanted, so I decided I would pass. Then I saw one that said "Executive position available, pays 500k+ per year, huge benefits" and I was like "ooooh." so I clicked that and called the number. The secretary that took my call asked why I called. I said I wanted the job please. She asked my name. I told her. She asked if I was Hispanic. I said no, but I get that a lot. She asked if I had a college degree. I said I could print one up pretty easily. She hung up.

  Then I saw a job that said "Assassin wanted. 50,000 for one job, no questions asked." and I considered myself to be qualified because I did stand-up comedy one time and I killed. OOHHHHHH PUN JOKE. So I met my potential employers in a dark parking garage. They handed me a photo of some random-ass white guy and said he needed to be "eliminated". I was like "Okay, sure." Then they just stood there and there was an awkward silence, and I was trying to think of something to say, so I just blurted out "How about that weather, huh? It's been hot."

  "Don't you want to see the money?" They asked, ignoring my question.

  "Oh, yeah. Show me the money!" I said, doing my best Cuba Gooding Jr. impression, which actually sounds nothing like him.

  They opened a suitcase, and it contained one dollar. I took it and said thank you. There was another awkward silence. They asked if this was my first time doing this. I wanted the job, so I fudged a little and said I killed people all the time, even though, in reality, I rarely killed people.

  Later on, I was at the cybercafe (Which is not a place where people come to have cyber-sex, which I learned the hard way) and talking to random people and telling them about my new job. Well, some high-and-mighty goody-two-shoes lady with a super-annoying overbite told me that it was wrong to kill people for money. I almost didn't hear her, because I kept staring at the overbite and it was really super-distracting, but I decided not to kill that random-ass white guy.

  However, I had taken a one-dollar advance from the Yakuza, and they were not pleased that I had taken their money and not fulfilled my duty (snicker)(snort).

  So I had to go into hiding for months until I could get reconstructive surgery to change my face, and I also got a ton of collagen put into my bottom lip, so that when I pout, it will be super-huge. I also got electrodes put my breasts so they will shock people who touch them, sort of as a funny prank which I find hilarious. I also took some of the flesh on my arms and put it on my back, and vice-versa; don't ask me why, I don't know. I also replaced my nose with Heidi Montag's old nose. Finally, I got a tattoo in Chinese, and I don't know what it says, but I think it was something like "Beautiful flying swan in the night sky" but the tattoo guys were murmuring in a corner and snickering a lot, so I don't know...

  • 3:05 pm
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