June 19, 2010
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My Apology to BP
Dearest British Petroleum,
Yo.
Let me be the first to say this: accidents happen. Even when you're an adult, they happen. I've tried not to have accidents, but sometimes I just get really very thirsty before my nightly 14 hours of rest. Anyhow, regardless of that, I noticed you happened to have one tiny minuscule incident that resulted in a touch of spillage. So, I guess our evil tyrannical totalitarian despot, a one Mr. Barack Hussein Mohammed Aladdin Obama, has this skewed view of the world, and asserts steadfastly that if a couple of pelicans are getting dirty, that an apocalyptic tragedy has occurred. What a maroon, am I right? Now he wants to forcefully embezzle 500,000,000,000 dollars from your honest, upright, benevolent and hard-working company, then behead your children, rape your wives, and crucify you. On a cross. With real nails. It's not like those crucifixion re-enactments where the actor portraying Jesus Christ is tied to the cross, or in some cases, duct taped.
Therefore, I say on behalf of all my Republican colleagues, as well as the great state of Texas, hereby do humbly apologize to you and your company, your employees. I hope you can find it in your gracious hearts to forgive us and Mr. Obama for his overly-harsh words that have discouraged you from living a happy Christian, god-fearing life by filling your days with grief. I beg of you to have mercy on me. My conscience cannot have this totally unjust and malicious persecution of your blameless and frankly, pretty darn cool corporation on my hands. Again, I humbly apologize to you, BP and beseech you to recognize that my penitence is genuine. God bless you, BP. I salute you for your brave fight.
- The Republicans
Comments (58)
Yes, it's a joke. Clam down.
Clam.
Down.
/ragequit
Yep
love the tags!
Classic. I think I'm in love with you.
Lol, Great entry.
*Xanga's Batman Out*
@storyslut - I didn't look at them til I saw this comment. I love them too!
hahaha BP. Does it stand for Brave Pricks? Big Pens? Boo Poop?
What a maroon, am I right?
You're funny...who knew? I heart satire!
lol
Don't forget the kick-ass state of Arizona. xD
And as someone mentioned: great tags!
There's no way that guy playing Jesus in The Passion of the Christ was duct taped to any cross. That was the most historically accurate depiction of the crucifixion event evar.
I love you, Avenue. I lol'd at this, especially the tags.
George W. Bush approves this
LOL Great post!
Joke? What's a joke?
+1
all of the blowhard 'libertarians', republicans, and tea partiers are going to be like, "OMIGOD SHE'S SHOULD BE OUR LEEDAR!!!"
The terrifying thing is that @Paul_Partisan is probably right...
Witty post, hilarious tags.
well, if they're nice to kittens...
it's ok, Nori. they WILL make things right, says that Prince-Charles-sounding CEO guy.
Lol @ Aladdin in his name. that was my favorite part for some reason
What could be more American than capitalism? BP embodies our values.
I'm pretty sure if Obama's middle name was Aladdin, people would respect him a lot more.
@I_Create - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
We need more writers like you around here. Good stuff!
*Claps*
@AvenueToTheReal - I dunno. You write enough satire that it's hard to tell which is which.
Interesting, using guilt by association.
I, the Immortal Wannabe, hereby duly note that, the day after your Ms. Bachmann spoke barbs against the Anointed One, two mighty strings of tornados ravaged her home state of Minnesota-one in the north and one in the south.
Do not speak barbs against the Anointed One-ever again!
Glenn Beck just smiled, kind of like when a baby smiles cause it's crapped it's pants.
yo nori. i may read this later when i sober up. if not, i want to say thank you for your comment. and stop being awol =]
Thumbs up.
this is awesome...
You're one funny motherfucker. Hey, you should look up "BP coffee spill on YouTube."
the first two lines i thought you were being serious, but then when i realized the sarcasm aspect (it takes awhile for me sometimes, i'm sorry) it was hysterical. good post.
First off, if you're going to call someone a moron, it is much more effective if spelled right.
Dear Mr. President,
You're doing the right thing by putting barriers in front of all possible clean up efforts by Bobby Jindal. He's a republican, we can't let the world see that he knows what he's doing and you don't.
Love and kisses,
The liberals and the main stream media
P.S. Please stop stealing all the covers
<3
@dropsofjupiterihh - "What a maroon" is an actual phrase! I was surprised to read it here though, I've only heard a very few amount of people (like my uncle) ever use it before haha
Our Home
A world
A universe
In his hands, held
Read the verse
Pray
Don't
stray
Then he may
Pick you up
High and above
Joy,
Happiness, Love
A society confused
A universe used
A bomb, A
short fuse
Neglecting it
Were doing it
Destroying it
Our
home
Safety
Going alone
We run away
Catastrophe
LOL
Well written:).
I know its a joking post, but I feel like some xangans on here are genuine about the whole apology to BP thing. If someone hit you in the face, would then go on to apologize to them for hitting you in the face?
AHAHHAHAH. I had no clue you were Rep Barton.
@Paul_Partisan - Did you not read the Playboy article about the Tea Party? Apparently, they are not as crazy like that, are more intellectual about things, and snub the conspiracy theory 'OMG OBAMA IS GOING TO EAT THE CONSTITUTION AND SHIT IT OUT AS A SOCIALIST/COMMIE STATE 'crazies who also claim the 'Tea Party'/libertarian title. Then again, it was in Playboy.....
God, BP, we're so sorry you're a bunch of incompetent twits and that that makes your stock prices go down. So sorry.
You're quickly becoming one of my favorite bloggers.
@AvenueToTheReal - I was seriously hoping that was a joke, otherwise how horrible.
hahahhhaahhahahah perfecttt.
@tenshii_rage - lol people actually read the articles?
I'm glad its a joke. Before i saw that you said it was a joke I was going to ask when your apology to hitler was coming.
lol @ tags
You make one post and the comments crash in. Your power is unreal.
(This is the former xangan known "Authentic_Black_Dragon" )
Your speech was much more creative than Barton's idiotic apology!
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea
i enjoy this in a purely non-ironic fashion, and say that fuckin' BP needs to get back to brittish-ville
Now THIS is satire. Zing.
Loved it! You forgot to mention that not a single Caribbean Walrus or Seal was harmed.
What's all the fuss about? BP makes money by getting oil out of the ground. They've done a smashing good job of it!
Never stop writing, please! You are fucking hilarious!!
Comments are closed.