June 23, 2010

  • Dearest Xanga

    This is going to be one of my last posts as AvenueToTheReal.

    So, dear readers, I know some of you might be shocked by this news, and are sad, whereas others are overjoyed. Then there are other people who don't really care. Whichever category you fall into, you should know that I didn't come to this decision lightly or suddenly.

    I've been considering retiring this blog for some time, but didn't really know the proper way to do so. Even though I posted very sparingly throughout last year, I decided very recently to deliver a few more low-quality humor posts before hanging up my shoes on the telephone wire. I guess you could consider this to be my encore performance, that is, if there were a stage or if I had an instrument. I guess really, my main instrument is love, because that just sounds deep.

    This isn't my last post, though! I've got like five more, and then you'll finally be rid of me!

    I guess I should also say that this isn't a hoax. Once *I* go to the bathroom, I'm not coming back out. I also personally wish that someone would make a like a food tube that goes to the bathroom so that you would never have to leave. I also wish that someone would invent a machine that converts nuclear waste into cheese, but that's not important right now. What's important is that I'm not pretending to have cancer.

    The reason for my decision has several reasons:

    1. I need to free up as much time as possible to practice doodling unicorns.

    2. I left the shower on and I need to go turn it off.

    3. I need to find a new job after being fired for sneaking into the men's bathroom to poop in the stalls.

    4. I am retiring from politics to spend more time with my family.

    5. To pursue my modeling career.

    6. To protest China's occupation of Tibet. Cut it out, you guys.

    7. The Zombie Apocalypse is about to occur and I need to flee my home.

    Darn it! You've made this really hard by telling me that you like my writing and calling me your favorite blogger. Actually, 99.9% of the people on Xanga have been really amazing and awesome, and because of everyone, it made me believe in magic again. You didn't make me any less eccentric, but that's okay, you made me see that being different actually is good. I was able to learn a lot about life, people and other classified stuff from you all.

    To the 0.01% of people who cut themselves and cry like little emo babies every time I post, I posted a picture of a sandwich, and it still got more comments than what you get in a week, which, once again, makes me the biggest winner of all. Also, your poetry sucks and you all are terrible writers. If you think you're a  great writer, then I have news for you: You have to be dead to be a great writer, or at least, be as good as dead because you live in a cabin where you have no contact with the outside world and refuse to let anyone turn your novel into a movie. I doubt you even own a cabin.

    I'll cover the rest of my thoughts on this in my final post, which will be posted sometime next week, and it's going to be a doozy! It's going to be a long post, so it might be time to bust out the reading glasses and/or 3-D glasses, because it will available in 3-D!

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