July 14, 2010

• Cannibalism Is Wrong

  As you know, some people have been arguing in favor of Cannibalism in recent weeks, so I would like to present my rebuttal right now and here, on Xanga.com, the most powerful blogging site in the world.

  First of all, I would like to say that I rarely engage in Cannibalism, because I believe it is morally wrong. Second, I would like to say that morals come from a place in the human psyche which goes beyond our understanding of psyches in general. I mean, when scientists look at a brain, all they see is a ball of really thick pink noodles, and scratch their heads in wonder. Now, the brain contains the human psyche, but it also contains bizarre thoughts, such as holographic octopi, pizza-flavored soda, and morals.

  Morals have a life of their own. They protect their life fiercely. So if someone tries to go against morals, they strike back. When a human being engages in Cannibalism, they eat people, and people contain brains, and brains contain morals, and the morals fear being eaten. Therefore, morals have made it immoral to eat humans to avoid the risk of being eaten themselves.

  Morals also have a large fleet of highly-trained shrews, which can be released as a last-resort if morality is threatened. The shrews are trained to attack immorality, which they can detect by scent, and gnaw away at their victims with their razor-sharp teeth, and on some rare occasions, their razor-sharp wit. This leads me to my next point:

  I am deeply afraid of shrews.

  If you have ever seen a shrew, you understand. They are disgusting abominations that are a direct result of Adam and Eve's sin. They are like a molerat had sex with Andy Dick, and spawned a creature so hideous and foul that it makes even the most veteran army field doctors vomit in disgust.

  I had a pie chart to show the statistics of these things, but my report was lost when my computer was thrown out of a window by a crazed roommate. And by a crazed roommate, I mean myself. I don't know why. Too much caffeine, probably. Anyhow, just imagine a chart that shows bars projecting the hideousness of shrews, and the sheer numbers of them.

  This brings me to my next point: Eating another person will not endow you with their essence.

  If this were true, then it would change professional sports forever. The greatest athletes would have small chunks of themselves cut off for vast sums of money, and those chunks would fed to up-and-coming rookie players to turn them into unstoppable, godless, soulless, scoring machines. However, this does not happen, and for a very good reason: it rarely works.

  So, in conclusion, if you are stranded on a life raft with no food or water, or hope of finding land, please do not eat me. Just accept that you are going to die of starvation, and let that be that. Besides, I know for sure that I won't taste very good, and when you're in the middle of the ocean, there is no A1 sauce. Keep that in mind. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

  • 4:43 am
  • 51 Comments