September 29, 2010

• Save The Pandas

  

  Overview:

  This post was designed to save the pandas. This is not a "humor" post, because after receiving a few random hate comments among hundreds of love comments, I saw the error of my ways and decided that humor wasn't really my forte. Panda salvation is. I hope this post saves at least a thousand pandas, but even a hundred would be nice.

  Main content, activate:

  Hi Xanga. Remember when I said I was going to retire from Xanga for eternity? It turns out that I just had to go pee. Also, nothing can escape the swirling black void of Xanga, except explosive gamma rays. So actually, I'll probably end up posting like 4-5 times per year, and I expect to get no less than 300 comments on each post, and 67,000 views. This may seem unrealistic considered that there aren't even that many active users, but I think if everyone refreshes this page 500 times, it should be doable.

  Okay, enough of that, though.

  Pandas: these majestic bears of the Far East are in danger. Endangered, in fact. This is why, we, as rational human beings must save them from almost certain death, because it's clear that nature has it in for them. I don't even want to someday open up a book about Dinosaurs and tell my child, "See these? These are dinosaurs."

  "Cool!" My little one will say, and ask "Can we go to the zoo and see them?"

  "No, they're all dead." I'd reply, and add "Now go play."

  I don't think I can go through that same scenario when it comes to pandas. I would just break down from panic, and throw up all over my kids. I mean, I can't imagine a world with no pandas. I would go to the coffee shop, and sit down with my coffee at a table, watching the people walking down the sidewalk, going about their hectic lives on a cold day with grey clouds and think to myself "Hot damn, I wish pandas weren't dead." and quietly sip my coffee. It would be very dreary and dismal, and to be honest, that's not how I want our future to be like. I want our future to include pandas.

  I don't know many facts about pandas. I know that I like them, though, and I don't mean as food, HAHA! j/k j/k j/k j/k j/k. I know that they eat bamboo, and that the Chinese are chopping down all the bamboo forests as part of the Cultural Revolution or something. I'm pretty sure that pandas do not have orgasms, so they don't like having sex. The male pandas just look down when they're ejaculating and go "What's all this white stuff coming out of my furry bear penis? That's weird." and then just go about their daily lives of eating bamboo and not having orgasms.

  I have a plan to save pandas, though. My plan is based on two facts:

  1. All environmental problems are our fault.

  2. All environmental problems can be remedied by doing small acts, such as recycling a can of delicious A&W Root Beer.

  First, the reason pandas are endangered is because we keep killing them. The more we kill pandas, the rarer they become. When animals become rare, the price for their fur/meat gets really jacked up, making people want to kill them even more. This is because when animals become rare, governments enact laws to protect them, making it illegal to kill the said animals. The more difficult it is to kill pandas, because of conservationism and protection laws, the higher and higher the price goes.

  So here is my solution. We need to make it legal to kill pandas, first of all. This will make all the warlords in Cambodia say to themselves "Oh, panda fur is legal now? Well, now I don't really want it." and the price will drop dramatically. The next thing we need to do is to drive interest in panda fur down by making it unfashionable, and we can do this by dismissing panda fur as being so passe. It would probably help to post a daily reminder of this by writing down on your refrigerator "I do not care about pandas." or getting a coffee mug that reads "Panda fur is so 2008. Wear chinchilla."

  Okay, now go do it.

  • 7:08 pm
  • 28 Comments