August 12, 2011

• My Friends are Unintentional Liars

  Note: When I say "friends", I'm referring to people who tolerate my existence, but if it came down to it, and if there was a Mayan apocalypse, they would push me into the rising waters as they board the ark.

  Okay, maybe you've heard this before, and I've certainly heard it quite a few times: "Hey, you should write a book." and obviously, I shouldn't. Now I realize that this phrase isn't actually encouragement to write a book, but it's just a way of being polite, like how when you say "Excuse me" after you burp, even though it's a perfectly acceptable bodily function that you don't owe anyone anything for.

  But let's say hypothetically, my friends/family/enemies were being serious. And let's also say that I was enough of a narcissist to go ahead and do it (I'm not implying that all authors are narcissists. Actually, I am. They're all full of it.)

  First of all, I would want my book to not just be a book, but a literary masterpiece, and carve a notch into my leg for every blemish in my magnus opus' perfection. I would have this insane standard for my work, and would turn into a crazy person who saves her pee in jars. There would be so many plot twists that I would need to post notes all over my walls, connected by strands of yarn, just so I can remember what the hell is even happening in my book. I would go out of my way to cram terms like "ubiquitous" and "egregious" into the book, and do my best to use so many obscure words in bizarre sequences and leap-of-faith metaphors so that nothing even makes any sense. My theory is that after I die, my work will be considered "genius" because it makes absolutely no sense, and is senseless drivel that can be fawned over by pseudo-intellectuals who have poetry books in their houses. *shudders*

  SECOND. Good lord. Do you even realize how many people decide to write books? A lot, apparently. Especially fiction. Fiction is easier to write, because you can just write anything you want. Like, you can say that sharks are impervious to lasers, which I know for a fact is false. Therefore, for all you aspiring fiction writers, you're screwed. You are roughly the equivalent to a garage band that constantly practices, but never plays any shows. Sure, they make music. They write songs. Just nobody has ever heard of them, and only the band mates girlfriends/boyfriends have their t-shirts. Their family members are too ashamed to wear the t-shirts. Do you know whose books get read? People who are already famous. Think about it; do you want to read a book on a subject by some nobody?

  If you answered 'yes', then you need to stuff yourself into a birdhouse and die.

  Most people don't realize that writing the book is only 10% of the battle; selling it is the other 90% of the game, and 100% reason to remember the name. Marketing and selling the product is harder than writing for most people, because you have to become a salesperson. Book stores want books on their shelves that will sell. You have to convince them that your book is going to sell drive the kids wild. You can't just say "It's going to sell because it's really good." because that doesn't even make any sense. I remember reading about this inspirational speaker (I can't remember who it was) who asked his audience "Who here can make a better hamburger than McDonald's?" and a bunch of hands went up. Then he asked them "So how come McDonald's is making more money than you?" If you write a great book, you also have to have a strategy, the charisma, the optimism and the drive to sell the fuck out of that book, and most people back down from that challenge, because they don't want to get caught in kissing the asses of white guys in suits, or in some cases, PMS-y old women in pants-suits.

  People who start from nothing and become overnight successes by writing books is a rare thing, which is what makes it so special to be one of those people, but you can't count on having that kind of luck. To be honest, I probably wouldn't be able to put my paper on the shelves. I'm not being a pessimist, that's actually the truth! Getting a book deal isn't like getting a record deal. Publishing companies dole out the ca$h for advertising for their proven money-makers or celebrities writing books for them. As a rule, they don't really consider your book for printing unless you have a marketing plan with the book. My marketing plan would be to throw my books at people from a building and hope they pick it up and start reading it. Then, through word-of-mouth, they would adore me, then a week later, I'm on Oprah. Oh wait, she doesn't have a show anymore. Nevermind.
  
  Question of the day: Chipmunks?

  • 1:18 am
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