October 26, 2011

• Them

  You know who they are. They're destroying the planet, burning our crops, stealing our money, raping our cats, causing wars, peeing in our showers, throwing innocent people in jail, letting guilty people out of jail, and stealing our happiness. We need to stop them.

  I'm not talking about the zombies, and you should know that October is Zombie Awareness Month, and as you may or may not know, zombies are real and I'm completely serious. I'd like to believe that zombies were fake. No, I'd love to believe that zombies were fake. So naturally, even though this month is coming to an abrupt end, I'd just like everyone to keep in mind that the Zombie Apocalypse could begin at any seconds, so I recommend that you never sleep and stock up on zombie supplies. Also, remember: guns run out of ammunition. A crowbar is forever.

  But okay yeah, back to my original point: SAMANTHA IS A GRADE-A SLUT CALL HER ASAP FOR A BLOW JOB The world was supposed to end again but it didn't because religious people are always wrong about everything. Well, maybe not everything. This one time I dropped a banana and a Mormon told me that I dropped a banana and I was like "Oh". Speaking of which...

  
  
  "Hi, I'm Erika. I grew in the deep south. I'm a counselor and a photographer. I'm a Mormon."

  What is up with these ads? I don't mean to post once every 3 months just to rag on religious people, but come on, seriously? This is the only religion I know of that advertises their brand like it's the latest smartphone. But then again, I guess even infallible truth needs the boost of millions of advertising dollars and paid actors to show people the light. I don't care for their marketing angle, either. It's just weird and creepy. Everyone in the ads are always smiling, good-looking and successful. They're always "normal" too, and have bios to back it up, like:

  "Hi, I'm Crystal. I live in Ohio, I have a family with two beautiful boys, and I'm a  free-lance writer. I'm a Mormon."
  
  "My name is Craig. I've always had a positive view on life, and I love people and animals, so I became a veterinarian. I'm also a Mormon."
  
  "Hi, I'm Linda. My passion is saving our environment, and I run a development company dedicated to innovating alternative energy sources, and I'm a Mormon."
  
  It's never like:
  
  "Hi, my name is Mark and I'm a child molester. I'm a Mormon."
  
  "Hello, my name is Samantha, and I am the biggest, skankiest slut alive, and I just sleep with other girls' boyfriends just because I like getting my vagina pounded 24/7, and I'm a Mormon."
  
  "My name is Bart, and I'm in the KKK, and I hate niggers. I'm a Mormon."
  
  "My name is Jerry, and I'm an alcoholic. And a Mormon."
  
  "Hi, my name is Susan, and despite my name, I am a male, and I am a gay midget stripper who spends most of his time compulsively masturbating in my room which is covered with posters of David Hasselhoff. I also enjoy eating boogers, throwing eggs at dogs, and moshing at Celine Dion concerts and getting thrown out by security. And I'm a Mormon."

  SEE!?

  Think about all the weirdos who are Mormons. Now think about all the paid actors pretending to be Mormons in those ads. Now think about the weirdos who are Mormons again. Now think about all those smiling suburban white people who are Mormons. Now think about the weirdos. Now think about a dead fish coming back to life. Now think about the actors being paid to be Mormons. Now think about the weirdos again. Now think about the Mormon actors again. Now think about the weirdos again. Now think about smiling actors in Mormon costumes. Now think about your mom naked. NO WAIT DON'T! DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

  Wait.

  I wasn't talking about Mormons. I was talking about them. They're trying to control our minds and keep us in the dark and I'm tired of it. We need a worldwide revolution to turn the tables on them and take the power back. But wait, "but wait!" you say, adding, "Who are 'they'?" and the answer is: look in a mirror. I just blew your mind like M. Night Shamallamalayan.

  • 12:13 am
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