These days, a lot of people are confused, especially about their sexuality. These are uncertain times. The economy (which is based entirely on a massive credit bubble, and bubbles are pretty, amirite?) is in trouble. The obvious solution to the economy is to make it a Wikiconomy, so people could simply edit the economy. Then, we'd just edit it and change all the numbers to make them good.
Special inside joke: That's actually how the economy works.
Anyhow, that's not the point. That was me going off sidetracked into some other discussion entirely. It was just a bad introduction. If you tell me it was bad though, I will cry until I PUKE ALL OVER YOUR GAMEBOY. So, anyhow, people are confused, and confused about Xanga.
When I first signed up for Xanga, I was confused about how to use it. I can't imagine what a newbie would think now, with all the new features. Then, there's the impossibly tangled ball of yarn that is the Xanga culture. The who's who, the etiquette, the secret inside joke that everyone knows except for you, and of course, how to get people to read your unique thoughts and musings (yeah right); it's all confusing. Until now.
Let me explain how to use the universe inbox aka 'yo homepage':
Everything is a link to something. There's even a link in the Universal Inbox that takes you to your Universal Inbox. On the right, there are the Plugz, which can divided into three basic categories:
1. Honest descriptions of sites (Boring)
2. The ones that try to be unique (Stupid)
3. Mine (Really stupid)
On the left, there are bunch of controls. Do not click these. You will end up launching a missile at a French satellite and World War 3 will start.
On the left, under the controls are your recent weblogs. These are links to actual posts you've written, and in some special cases, some you haven't.
Under the recent weblogs, there is a tiny picture of your Public Site. Click "edit theme" and then you'll be in the editor. Once there, you will be befuddled at first, especially if yOuR fRoM dA gHeTtO BaBii. Once you figure everything out, do one of the following things:
- Make your fonts tiny, as small as possible
- Make your font huge, and in Comic Sans
In the middle of your universal inbox, you will see your feed, which shows you all the updates from sites you're connected to. It will soon be flooded with spam. The way to keep the spam down is to write angry posts every time you get unusually high amounts of spam.
You will be regularly contacted by XangaCredits to fill out surveys. Here's what will happen:
- You will receive a letter saying you've qualified for a survey.
- You click it. You want credits, so you can buy the Xangamobile.
- You are informed that you do not qualify for a survey.
What you should do: Throw your sombrero onto the ground and yell "damn gringos!"
Now, here's what you do next:
- Subscribe to my blog. This is vital.
- Write a blog. Be sure to criticize a lot of things, such as pop culture.
- Never tell anyone how much time you spend on Xanga. If asked, the right response is: "Only fifteen minutes a day, tops", especially if you spend hours on it. The same goes for how long it takes you to write posts. If it takes you 2 hours to write a post, be sure to say it took 37 seconds. As a rule, the longer your posts are, the less time you should tell people it takes you to write them.
- Criticize people who spend a lot of time on Xanga. If anyone does anything that requires a lot of time, tell "Well, some of us have a life." and assure them that if you were on as much as them, you'd have the same success.
- Always comment people. If someone comments you, comment them back. It's how you keep people coming back. It's the glue that connects blogs. At least read your comments.
- Make fun of people who leave lots of comments. They have no lives.
- If spiders visit your page, freak out. Someone is out to get you. You know this because you watch the local news, because they said they were going to do a segment on which root beer brands may contain lead. The internet is dangerous, and someone from the Czech Republic is stalking you.
- Turn on Friends Lock. The world is not allowed to interact with you.
- Send out mass messages every time anything happens. People need to know what's happening with your blog. Them getting your posts in the mail everyday isn't good enough.
- Block anyone else who sends mass messages. If you get a message that takes up more than two seconds of your time, you have been violated. You must block them and reply to their comments on other blogs cussing them out.
- Ask for recommends. A good way to promote (A polite term for 'whoring') your site is to ask for recommends. There's nothing wrong with doing so, as long as you do it in a way that is polite and respectable to the people you're asking. Remember, they're helping you, so treat them good.
- Bitch at people for asking for recommends. People who ask for recommends are trying to be little whores. You need to verbally crush them by letting them know they're below you. Write a scathing post, telling your readers to avoid anyone who asks for recommends.
- Never click the 'email post' icon or 'digg this!' icons in posts. Normally, when you find something hilarious on the internet, you send it to everyone you know. In this case, though, you don't want them to find out you're on Xanga. They will ridicule you and then you'll have to commit suicide.
- Send lots of friend requests! A good way to start connecting others to your blog is to send them friend requests. This will perplex some people, as they confuse actual friendship with networking 'friends'. Don't worry, most people on this site will accept, as they are whores.
- Don't associate with anyone sending lots of friend requests. This especially applies if you yourself are sending out lots of friend requests. How dare they. HOW DARE THEY. Their pathetic cry for attention must be squelched, so again, burn them in a post. Those whores.
- Time stamping is the devil. Sometimes, people update old blogs to the current time. Why is this bad? Because it's like your favorite show airing the same episode the next week but saying it's a new episode.
- Time stamp your posts. Let's say you wrote a post at three in the morning, like I am doing right now. You don't have time to write during the day due to your professional eater training, it's okay. Just time stamp your post at sometime in the afternoon when more people are actually awake.
Finally, establish your identity. To do that, pick one of the following:
Awkward girl: As awkward girl, you must always blog about how awkward your life is and how confusing relationships are. Take lots of breaks from Xanga, and come back to say "Wow, things have been rough..."
Angry guy: As angry guy, you're angry and smarter than everyone. All your posts are about much you hate everything. Trust me, people love this, and will visit just to see what crazy things you say next. Be sure not to mellow out, because then people will leave.
Obnoxious guy: Your mission is to be as silly as possible until a hoarde of angry peasants shows up at your house with torches and pitchforks. Harassing Asian girls is a plus.
Hot Asian girl: That is all. Just be sure to post lots of pics.
Obnoxious Asian macho guy: You have to be muscular for this to work. Be sure to rarely show your face, but to post lots of pictures of hot Asian girls. Be sure to be as racist, misogynist and rude as possible, but then flirt with the hot Asian girls. Then, PROFIT!
Social gal: You just post variety/random posts, but people mostly know you for just knowing everyone else.
Hilarious Nerd: Can be guy or girl, but should use the power of "randomness" to make bored web surfers laugh.
Troll: You purpose is to make everyone hate your guts. It makes you lul.
Religious Zealot: You're vocal about your faith. You hit all the hot topics of the day: abortion, homosexuality, pornography, rap music, etc., and let everyone know your opinion. You end all your arguments with "That's just my opinion." AND INDEED IT IS.
Mommy: You must blog obsessively about your young children, and post tons of pictures of them in public. You don't believe in spankings. Every time you need to do something new with your child (like potty train them), it's an ordeal, and you must undergo a massive personal crisis that ultimately "makes you a better person".
Tormented Poet: No one understands you. You don't get the recognition you deserve, and your blog is just poetry. Beautiful words. Beautiful, beautiful words.
Holocaust Victim: You just want to be thin! Whenever you look into a mirror, you see something hideous. You must obsess over your weight keep close tabs on your exact calorie intake. Be sure to post lots of pictures of models/celebrities who are also starving.
Otaku blogger: You love Anime way too much. You don't watch porn, you watch hentai.
Angry Political blogger: No matter what is happening, there will always be the angry political blogger to let us know how badly it sucks, who's responsible (always opposite their party affiliation), and how pissed off we should be.
Enjoy your blogging.
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