Moral: Never date a girl who throws shurikens

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Recently, I did a post on 5 things I thought are key parts of having a successful relationship. One of the people in the comments disagreed with one of my rules, and I had to agree with what they said.

So, I should also say that I'm not entirely convinced relationships should have stone commandments carried down from Mount Sinai by Dr. Love, who I strongly doubt actually has a "degree in romance". Dr. Datingish would kick his ass.

Do you think dating should have rules? If so, what would you say the important ones are?

You chipmunks. Get those testicles out of your mouths.

Seriously, psychopathic narcotically-fueled incinerated zygomorphic lethargic leopards of slanderous viscosity blather ineptly at the flittering isotopes of fallaciousness miffing me thoroughly, as though pithy porcupines of glistening fuck-pillows combust spontaneously. Through seething calico teeth, I smell the distinct scent of astralprojected notorious poetic unicorns brandishing fucking M-80s and screaming various profane lexicons, stretching the boundaries of unacceptable vernacular by leaps and bounds. Sweet Jesus. It's like a pteradactyl swooped down and extracted the spinal fluid out of every extroverted strawman's backbones like a Dalek's Gucci  purse or some shit. Very soon, I find myself alone in a padded room with a single light shining my face, and a vuluptuously mustachioed Katherine-Harris look-alike shoving Celebrex tablets into my eardrum.

I was filling out some stupid career aptitude test (And it was pretty bad, making me want to go "Screw this, I'll just be a stripper") and it asked "Do you often wonder about the destiny of mankind?" and through this whole process, I've learned that career counseling is such a jumble of random nonsense that it could be made into a Cosmopolitan article. Never take advice from someone who ended up as a career counselor.

But do I wonder about the destiny of mankind? I think most people do, except for Jed the beet-farmer, who I should quote as saying "I don't worry about such things, as I am but a simple beet-farmer." with such confidence that it almost makes me wonder who the hell is eating all these beets and keeping him in business.

With all the theories about why people exist, I'm almost tempted to just say that life is meaningless, the go eat a bowl of yogurt-covered pretzels while I ponder what I just said. If there are just a bunch of random kittens being born in a box, does that have a purpose? If not, if a bunch of people are born at random, do they have a purpose?

Perhaps, but people just can't stop having sex. It's like a tube of Pringles. Once you pop, the fun don't stop. Sure, there's birth control pills, and condoms, but neither of those forces are able to stop the undeniable fury of the dreaded ninja sperm.

So, I guess the question I'm truly trying to ask is...

What's your favorite flavor of Poptarts?

Oh, trust me, I know how to get out of the mall.

Was this supposed to be funny?; I can't figure it out!

In the magical kingdom of racist fairies, there is a unicorn named Timothy, who is extremely racist.

Wherever the black magic of tolerance and equality rear their ugly heads, Timothy descends on a magical rainbow from his golden cloud to fuck shit up. "Children!", he cries out, "You must know that Gypsies will steal your jewelry!"

But, as you know, THIS IS XANGAAAAAA!!! and there are a lot of Asians on the site. How many? Well, just take a look at this pie chart:

Mmm, now there's a pie an Asiaphile can sink their teeth into!

Asians on Xanga love reading posts about what it's like to be Asian and share their Asian experiences with other Asians who just love being Asians. Is there anything wrong with that? No, not really. Being obsessed with your race is the American way, and for all those living overseas, the way of wherever the hell you live.

Therefore, I have some advice for you, you unwashed heathens. There's a lot of whiners on Xanga who complain about how all the good posts (Meaning their own... it's all code) never get read. That's because you didn't mention Asians in your post. You need to mention Asians, especially if you are Asian. If you're a girl and you're Asian, you need to include a picture of yourself looking cute with the post. If you're a guy, you need to take your shirt off and show your ripped, muscular, vasoline-smeared body. If you don't have muscles, then just get out a damn sharpie marker and draw abs on your stomach. Voila.

If you do not include Asians in your post, Timothy uses his Unicorn Magic of Pure Goodness to neutralize your post on Xanga.

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So, I'm gonna do a small contest. Your challenge is to write the most Asian post possible, then send it to me in a message so I can read it, and I will link the winner on my site for a day.

Thoughts?

Not to be confused with Apple's new iFight, now available in 7 different colors, although, nobody buys the orange ones except for flamethrower-wielding psychopaths.

Holy cats. There are a lot of people on the internet. Like, damn. All these people from all around the world are brought together, which is rarely a good idea. Do you realize how many knife-fights go down during UN Council meetings? A lot. The Ambassador of Belize got shivved by Albania's Secretary of Education just last week.

So naturally, the internet is a battleground of words, since no one can touch each other and very few people know how to actually hack. Let's dissect some of those fights:

Myspace fight: Rebecca flirts with Kelsey's boyfriend, and so Kelsey sends Rebecca this message "omg becka ur such a slut i will slit ur throat" and Rebecca replies "fuck u, u such a fuckn drama queen." and then they immediately post bulletins telling all their mutual friends to unfriend the other. Oh zing.

Youtube war: Two people who disagree about politics or religion in the comment section of a Naruto video splurge through all known obscenities in a generally socially degrading tete-a-tete regarding who has inferior genitals, who has copulated the most females, and of course, who is prone to same-sex tendencies.

IMDb war: "This movie sucks."  "No, you suck."  "No, you suck."  Et cetera.

Xanga drama: Oh dear Jesus in Heaven. Someone posts something that someone else doesn't like. That person leaves comment about it on someone else's site, but the original poster finds that comment and then it's on like Donkey Kong, as Peyton Manning would say. Then everyone writes a post about which side they think is right. Then a bunch of other people write posts about how this drama needs to end. This leads to someone posting about how all this posting about Xanga drama is stupid. Someone reads it and doesn't like it. Cycle repeats 8 or 9 times.

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There's always going to be internet drama. If you decide to go over to say, Friendster (always a bad idea) then guess what? There'll be Friendster drama. WordPress drama. Neopets drama.

Sometimes, it surprises me that these dumbass keyboard brawls keep going since no one can clearly throw a knockout punch that defeats the other one.

Anyhow, that's just my opinion about internet fights.

How do you feel about about e-Fighting?

It frustrates me how stupid some couples are about relationships. It's like they just collided with each other while walking down the street one day and it was followed by this conversation:

"Hey, you're hot. Wanna go out?"

"Sure."

And thus began a relationship that was doomed to failure. If it was just a fling, then fine. The guy is okay with it, and the girl is... at first. Then, after some "fun" (as they call it), she starts to grow really attached to him. She cares about him and wants to make him happy. Meanwhile, he thinks she's still in the mindset of wanting a fling. It all blows up one day when she finds out he's seeing another girl. After snooping in his cellphone (We've all done it. Hide your cellphones.) for a bit, she finds some voicemails and then throws the phone at him and demands to know what the FUCK is going on. He has no idea why she's so mad.

If you thought that short story was stereotypical, then just mad lib it and switch around their roles.

I've seen a lot of relationships go down the tubes and unravel very quickly. So, maybe I'll save you some trouble and give you some REAL advice:

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1. Don't get into a relationship because you're lonely, because then you're going to rush into the first one that comes your way, and it probably isn't what you're expecting it to be. You need to be confident in yourself instead of relying on someone else to define who you are. That would be like investing all your money in one stock and losing it all when it crashes the next day. When it's over, there won't be much left of you emotionally.

2. Try not to fuck on the first date. If you do, you've blown it. Here's why: if you're a girl, you'll get attached to the guy like crazy before you even really know him, and he could turn out to secretly be Andy Dick. If you're a guy, then you'll be rushing through the bases when you should be taking it slow. You know what happens then? You try to score a run but are thrown out at the plate by the catcher because you tried to beat the relay throw, you idiot. YOU IDIOT.

3. Talk about whatever's on your mind early and often. Be honest, because that's when you'll learn if you're right for each other. Like, some people are afraid to talk about themselves, because they think they'll scare the person away. Well, GOOD. If they get scared away, they weren't right for you anyhow. It's like if your partner says "Hey, I really wanna try anal." and since you're sickened by the very thought, you know it's not going to work out with that person, but fortunately, you took it slow enough so you could break it off without being so emotionally attached to them that it'd be like cutting off a limb to leave them, amirite!?

4. Do things because you love them, not yourself. I knew a friend who got married, then divorced in 3 months. She said to me "I got married, because I just wanted to feel what it was like. I wanted someone to be there for me forever." I think those are great things to want, but you should get married because you love your partner, not because you want something for yourself. That's selfish, and to be two people working together, you have to forget about you and focus on the both of you.

5. If you make a promise, you die before you break it. A promise is like a glass; if you drop it, you can't glue it back together. So make promises rarely, but when you do, you make damn sure it gets fulfilled. Trust is like a house, which takes a long time to build, but only a second to destroy. Once it's destroyed, it takes a long time to build it back up, and for good reason.

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I can't guarantee those will fix every problem everyone has, but if more people would do those five things, then I wouldn't have to console so many broken friends, and I'd probably have cured AIDS by now.

So, let me ask you

What advice would you give to couples to help them have successful relationships?

The universe is a mystical, mystical place. It's filled with all sorts of 'energies', which affect the outcome of everything on Earth. Think about it. If planets have invisible gravitational forces that affect each other, then it just stands to reason that they also emit magic that affects everything.

Do you believe in fate? No, of course not. This is America, a land that is so free that not even destiny can affect us. That, of course, was fucking sarcasm. Here's the truth. The stars control us:

So, in order to understand these mysterious controllers of destiny, you need to remember three things:

1. Energies are everywhere, especially in worthless trinkets that can be sold for a lot of money.

2. When talking about these energies, and mysticism, you never know what you're talking about, you fools.

3. You're spelling it wrong.

Well, since I am an awesome psychic, I will now give you your horoscope readings, so that you may use the stars for guidance. Let us begin.

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Sign: Aquarius

Your friends think you are charming at times, but some of them suspect you're mentally retarded. You try to be patient with them, even though at certain times, their shenanigans flabbergast you. You should avoid spicy foods for the next 93 minutes. You know why. For love, try to look deep inside yourself, but not literally, as this may cause you to end up in the emergency room.

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Sign: The 69ing salmon

The way Mars and the asteroid Ceres are aligned right now makes me very sure you need to watch your junk food intake. If you continue to consume it, the stars tell me that you will gain a lot of weight and become even more insecure with yourself. Remember, suicide is not the solution. Put down that revolver.

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Sign: Aries

Andy Rooney may or may not want to kick your ass right now. You are perplexed as what you did to offend him, but will find out as he beats your head into the ground. The safest places to hide are on top of your roof and in a tree. You know that thing that you've always been planning to do? Well, put it off a little bit longer. If you rush it, you won't have time to appreciate the things that truly matter. Your TiVo will fail to record your favorite show within 18 days.

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Sign: Taurus

If you've been practicing a funny impression of a celebrity to do at a party, it would be wise to not do it. Trust me, it's not that good. At work, don't worry about how stressed out you are, because you may be getting an unexpected promotion very soon. This is especially true if you just got fired for smoking in the back room. Remember to respect people around you, especially redheads. Do not smash an Enrique Iglesias CD with a sledge hammer.

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Sign: Gemini

Get the fuck out.

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Sign: Cancer

The crab (although here, it looks like a lobster) symbolizes STDs. You need to be careful around your partner, because they have some very nasty stuff that you don't want to have. That person at the check-out counter the other day didn't get your change wrong like you thought. You just messed up the numbers in your head. You need to go back there and apologize for being such a douchebag for no reason. Beware of bears roaming through the city, because they will be looking for food, and that could include you.

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Sign: Leo

Now is not a good time to spend money on high-stakes gambling or lottery tickets. Mercury will not be in place for you to win the mega-lotto for at least 3 months. After three months, go ahead and buy those tickets again. Your persistence will pay off when you are rewarded for all your hard work and effort. If you think you're lazy, well, guess what? You sleep-work. Yup, and it's gonna pay off pretty soon, so expect a big reward of some sort.

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Sign: Virgo

Your dream last night symbolizes your desire to sleep around and be a total slut. You have strong passionate desires that you sometimes don't show to the world, because you're afraid that people will judge. And trust me, they will judge you.  You may or may not be afraid of spiders. Don't worry, though, because if they bite you, you'll die fairly quickly, thus minimizing the suffering. You will find true happiness by trusting in yourself and shit.

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Sign: Libra

This is the best sign of all. It means people love you and you're sexy. You're very intelligent and well-liked. When the zombies attack, you will survive because of your wit and ninja reflexes. The alignment of Venus with the moon indicates that you need to cut down on the amount of masturbating you've doing, because it's just getting ridiculous now. Seriously. Stop.

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Sign: Scorpius

You fool. You will be fired from your job due to your utter incompetence and lack of dedication unless you can get your act together, and even if you do, you still might get fired anyhow just out of spite. During this period, make sure to avoid grape soda for awhile, as there may be something wrong with it. Like, seriously wrong. Hippies annoy you and you want them to burn. If you meet up with family members, do not start imagining that they want to have sex with you. Your paranoia will be the end of you.

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Sign: Sagittarius

You may want to start saving money because you might need it later. Your friends admire your ability to speak out at certain times. Remember to keep your head wrapped in aluminum foil to deflect the alien mind control rays, otherwise, you may or may not be turned into a minion of the other world. At slumber parties, don't listen to Alicia when she says that Jason likes Hanna, because she totally just heard that from Tricia, and you know she can't be trusted because she totally stole Ashley's boyfriend. No matter what anyone tells you, you cannot be 'sucked into the television set'.

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Sign: Capricorn

Various things may or may not happen at certain times. Stuff will occur, but you should feel a certain way about it because so-and-so celestial bodies might not be aligned correctly. Remember, your relationships may be good, but they might also be bad. One of your personality traits that you only show some of the time may lead to specific stuff happening, but then again, it might not. You need to remember that certain things lead to others, and therefore, you need to just do things that may or may not have any impact on the said things occurring, but just to be safe, smear your face in peanut butter because if you don't, the stars will have Vinnie take care of you.

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Note: These predictions are based on actual astrological tables and careful research by actual psychics. I didn't make any of this up. Why would I do that? That would just be a waste of everyone's time.

Another note: If you're wondering why I named this post "whoroscope"... well... that just sounded funny to me. This post is for whores and prudes alike. If that confused you, then you need to go lie down for awhile and tell yourself that everything is going to be okay.

Because, let's face it: You want to know.

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This is a ninja:

You've probably heard of them by now. If you haven't watch some movies or something. But not movies based on novels by Jane Austen, because very few of those contain ninjas.

Also, say "Ninja" like 35 times in a row. It'll sound really weird to you after that.

Alright, now, for the cake:

1. If your friend wears a black ninja suit all the time, he/she is not a ninja. Technically, a girl can't be a ninja. I know that's unusually sexist of me, but listen, a girl-ninja is called a konoichi. Get your terminology right, you cretins. Calling a girl a ninja is like calling a girl-cop a "policeman". But let's get back to my so-called "point". You can't see a ninja. If you see someone dressed as a ninja, then they're only pretending to be a ninja, unless it's a clever ninja using reverse-psychology, but in that case, you're probably going to be dead in five seconds anyhow.

2. Try to plunge a fork into your friend's head. If they stop you with their cat-like reflexes and kill you, then you'll know they're a ninja. If they don't, and you stab them, then you'll know they were, in fact, not a ninja.

3. Do they sleep with their eyes open? If so, they're ninjas.

4. Take a bag of corn chips and...

wait.

I can't do this. This is just too damn stupid.

I feel like this post doesn't really do anything. It's not really that funny, and it's not making anyone's lives better. I feel like I should be making peoples lives better or some shit.

Last night, history was made. Not the good kind, though; I'm talking about the politics kind.

You may or may not know this, but I really, really love politics. Not because it's fascinating or anything, but rather, it's just an endless buffet of comedy material. I mean, normally, buffets are technically unlimited, unless of course, a bus load of hungry teenagers going to church camp come pouring into the restaurant like zerglings and tear the establishment apart. So, yeah.

Wow, forget that. I took that analogy way too far.

So, there was a debate last night, at it had 69,000,000 viewers, which makes me wonder why no one purchased commercial time during the debate. I would've told the candidates it was half-time, then cut to a Pepsi commercial or something. It would say something like "Democracy: Brought to you by Pepsi!" but I suppose the world would immediately end after that. You all know why.

Well, if you were too busy watching porn to see the debates, you're in luck, as I have found this actual* transcript of the debate:

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THE DEBATE

Location: Earth
Year: 2008

Sarah Palin v. Joe Biden

Your moderator for this debate is Gwen Ifill:

She now owes me 36,000 dollars.

Ifill: Senator Biden, Governor Palin, ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

Palin: What up.

Biden: Good evening to you too, Gwen, and let me just say that I am extremely exuberantly pleased to be within this building, as it is a lovely structure, a true testament to the American architectural community as whole.

Ifill: Wow... uh... okay.

Palin <raising hand>: During this debate, if I need to shimmy out of here to use the bathroom, you won't mind, will ya?

Ifill: If it's absolutely pressing, I suppose so.

Palin: Alright, cool.

Ifill: I would like to start off by saying that I have a new book about Senator Obama, whom I am enormous fan of. I mean, let me just state some facts about Senator Obama. He is sexy. I totally dig that whole "Oh, I'm a big shot politics guy" thing he's got going on. Also, Senator Obama is a mammal.

Biden: Excuse me, if I may, but will you be asking us any questions anytime soon?

Ifill: Alright, let's do this. Senator Biden, my first question is for you. What's it like to stand next to Barack Obama, who is such a strong powerful black man?

Biden: I'm... I'm sorry? I mean... Senator Obama is a great man, and I have absolute confidence that if he is elected, I will be able to make most of the decisions that happen in the White House.

Ifill: Governor Palin, what about you?

Palin: Well, ya see, I haven't been around Senator Obama all that much, but from what I can see, he's a very charming man, just like my husband, who is probably a better lover I'd say. Also, I am a maverick. <winks at camera>

Biden: Lemme interrupt you for a second. You're not a maverick. You suck.

Palin: I am too a maverick and John McCain is a maverick. We've fought our own parties on so many occasions. I mean, one time, I yelled at this State Senator who was a Republican, and John McCain, who, by the way, is a war hero, and also a maverick, stabbed a guy once from the Republican party.

Biden: John McCain is no maverick. Let me just say this: He voted with President Bush 90% of the time in senate. Let me repeat that: 90% of the time in the senate. Let me repeat that again: 90% of the time in the senate. Let me just repeat it a fourth time for the lulz: 90% of the time in senate. What do you say to that?

Palin: Well, um, I wasn't aware that the president was also a senator who got vote, but, ya know, I am a Washington outsider. <winks at camera, gives thumbs up>

Biden: Yeah, but that means you have no experience.

Palin: Well, ya, maybe no experience with being corrupted by lobbyists and things like that, eh? Because of my position as a maverick, and John McCain being mavericks, I mean, a maverick, only have the sheer level of maverickness to remove congressional earmarking from the darn bills, ya.

Biden: Let me just reiterate something here. John McCain sniffs glue 85% of the time and-

Palin: I don't know where you're getting your facts, but-

Biden: Don't interrupt me, woman.

Palin: Woman!? You can't call me 'woman'!

Biden: Yeah, I can. Now go make me dinner, then wash my dishes, you filthy whore.

Palin: I don't wash shit! I am a fucking working mother of 7 who has no time for her personal self, but yet I have devoted my life to politics because I believe in America and freedom and Jesus. And I am a maverick and-

Biden: Your figures are incorrect, Governor. According to your Wikipedia entry, you only have 4 children, and furthermore, your sheer level of "maverickness", which isn't a real word, is dubious. Plus, allow me to quote the legendary rapper Dr. Dre when I say "bitches ain't shit!" Boom, pwned.

Palin: Darn you, you jerk! I am gonna pray so hard for you later on! Also, I am a Washington outsider. <turns to camera, winks, flashes "Bloods" gang sign>

Biden: Hahaha, you think the world is only 6,000 years old! Science has clearly proven you wrong and yet, you cling to your idiotic belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father died so that you could telepathically say sorry for sins that you couldn't stop yourself from doing because of a talking snake who made some bitch eat an apple 6,000 years ago. How can we expect you to govern rationally-

Palin: Ooooh, you are in such deep poo, mister!

Biden: Ha! You Christians can't come up with any evidence of anything when faced with real facts!

Palin: What aboot that fossil gap?

Biden: What the fuck are you talking about?

Palin: Ya know, if a pig evolved into a horse or whatever, why has no skeletons of halfpighalfhorse been found, eh?

Biden: I'm not sure what you're trying to ask me...

Palin: Well, fuck you! FUCK YOU, YOU BITCH!

Biden: Bitch, I will slap your face if you do not cease your speaking immediately!

Palin: Come over here and do it, ya pussy!

Biden: You know what? Fuck this. I'm out.

With that, Biden stormed off stage. Palin yelled out one last insult, and Biden returned to get the last word in. Then he left again. This process repeated itself 14-15 times, and then, finally, Joe Biden actually left for real. Sarah Palin then ran to the bathroom, as her bladder was about to explode.

She drank a lot of milk before going on the debate. Not the wisest idea.

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Well, there you have it. It was a very good debate, both sides made excellent points and got their messages across without any minor slip-ups.

So

Based on what you just read, who would you say won this debate?
*ya rly