This one roommate of mine... she kept hogging ALL the blankets. I mean, I'd come into the dorm, and she'd be bundled up in like 26 blankets and sipping a cup of hot Pepsi. She liked to heat the Pepsi up like tea. Then, at night, I'd be freezing. I'd just curl up on a mattress with no pillows, because she'd also take ALL the pillows. I didn't say anything at first, because I thought we could get along. But then, she started also eating all the food, including all MY food. Finally, one day, she comes up to me and says "I think I deleted everything on your computer?" because she ended all her sentences with a question mark?
"Why the fuck were you on my computer? That's like my magic rose. I told you never to go near it."
"Ya, but I did, because yours is faster, but I found out it was slow, and I felt, like, bad, for like, eating all the lobster ziti thing, so I tried to fix it by deleting some stuff to make it go faster, and I dunno what happened, but now, like, everything is gone?"
I calmly put down my book and stood up slowly. "Excuse me?" I axed. I took off my glasses; I didn't want them to break in the inevitable confrontation. "I'm sorry?" she asked or said, not sure because of the question mark thing.
"HADOUKEN!" I yelled, and a fireball shot out of my hand. She dove out of the way just in time, but the edge of her shirt was scorched. The fireball blew an enormous hole in the wall, revealing that next door, sexual activity was going on. The couple stopped screwing for a second and stared at us through the whole in the wall and said nothing, with a look of utter shock on their faces. Then they looked away and went back to screwing. Meanwhile, Kelsey (my roommate) had recovered from the attack and reached into a drawer to grab a dagger, which she flung at me. I dove backwards, and the dagger whizzed over me and planted itself into Kelsey's stereo.
"Not my stereo!?" she cried out.
I reached for a chair and tossed it at her to stun her, but she like, did a chop and it broke in half and one of the halves smashed through a window. I darted to the other side of the room to get the gun out of the closet, but she rushed in and started wrestling the gun out of my hands. As we struggled for it, I squeezed the trigger, hoping that the shot would surprise her enough for me to get the gun away. Instead, I shot myself in the arm, which pissed me off. A lot. I threw a wicked uppercut (which I learned in Mexico) and it knocked one of her teeth out. Unfortunately, this allowed her to get the gun away from me, and she fired it again, hitting me in the chest. I fell backwards over a chair.
She was breathing heavily and then started laughing. "Haha. You should've known better than to mess with me?" she said, and probably thought I was dead, but I wasn't. I just lay still and waited for her to turn around. As soon as she started to walk away, I grabbed a LeAnn Rimes CD and flung at her like a ninja star. It lodged itself into the back of her head, causing her to cry out in agony.
She turned around and looked at me. The dorm was trashed. We were both covered in blood and critically injured. Then we started laughing. We embraced and were in tears from laughing so hard. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch?" she said.
"I'm sorry I tried to hadouken you." I replied. "That wasn't right of me, so I'm the one who was a bitch."
"No, it was me. I wasn't being a good roommate?"
"No no, two wrongs don't make a right."
"Well, I did eat your lobster ziti?"
"Haha, yeah ya did, you bitch."
Then we both laughed, and I learned that day that it's better to communicate with your roommate and work together to solve problems and differences and that one should always surround themselves with positive energy.
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