Here's my Xanga biography quiz thingy. All the stuff you weren't dying to know, and frankly, didn't care enough to ask.

The idea isn't mine, it is courtesy of the lovely and incredibly sweet Mizz Esperanza. (I don't know if she wants linkage yet)

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Xanga Username: AvenueToTheReal, because I'm notorious for changing screen names constantly. I almost named the site Xunafish, though. Almost.

Xanga Birthdate: I got a Xanga site in 2004, which I believe was called "Killerguineapig", and I deleted it. Then I came back in 2005 at some point. I don't know. I was probably drunk at the time.

Xanga "Statuses": I'm a True Xangan. That's right; I bleed blue, orange, red, yellow and green. I also have a Life Premium membership, which means I get to make a custom module in Xanga themes. The world is now mine.

Xanga Profile Picture: Just a picture I thought looked cool. I put Xanga on the computer screen.

First Xanga Friend: i_heart_concussions, who now doesn't blog.

Subsequent Xanga Friends: I've made way too many friends since then to list in a reasonable amount of time.

Xanga BFFs: I have a feeling I'll die before forever arrives, so yeah.

Xanga Family: The Evil Xanga Klique is my family, you know, DrugInducedDuck, Antisoccermom, Clockworkbunny, RockofEadie, Relaxolgy, The44thHour, Legendairy, TheBlackSpiderman, FogofConfusion, Vampiric_Essence, Storyslut, VaultESL, Wanabperfectordead, Dare2bdiferentt, Silence_of_words, Another_Rebel_Without_a_Cause, Purplepixiepoo, Schristian, Gunstarhero1988. We're all evil telepaths, and will dominate the boxed food industry.

Other Close Xanga Pals: KuyaD, iStephanieMarie, Laryssa, Lithium98, Porcupinesol, Life_by_us, HeartOfPandora, Authentic_black_dragon, grammarboy, stewieismyhero, Lovesporks, Ravnr, Alphareyx, Anth0nyc, Blanket_attack, Legendairy, Cakalusa, TheTheologiansCafe, TheBigShowatUD, maebemaebenot, Jonathan, Amarisa, RunningWithScalpels, seargent_peppers, npr32486, MethodElevated, EilisAngelos, and I'm secretly in love with NimbusTheDragon.

Other Xangans Worth Mentioning: Absolutangel64, aimvpr, shuddertothink, turbodog, prufrocksrevenge, drakonskyr, clichedguy, ironstove, saintvi, snippiesblog, tenshii_rage, doraemonxo, infinitiny, earthsazurelight,  edlives, vanedave, ciaobella810, elgaberino, crazyxbeautifulxdisaster, leadwoodfolk, ur_muse, five11nation, heyjulsiscool, barelyjen, my_blog_for_2009,  be_lie, myxldove, elbowpasta, kingofblur, xinergy,  la_dolce_vida, jadedjanissary, tirockiinpiink, seedsower, a___beautiful___disaster, beli_grrl, thecheshiregrins, gerkshinobi, yosho,  madisonlinh, peteismyhero, suggestivetongue, cheesebadger, chocolatecoveredkittens, jigg, museerato, wutuwaitn4, vysion, flashlivesforever_29, jediwa72, sonychak, greekphysique, bekkathebaka, yakko1, mr_faust, lotta_valdez, callmequell, vwagenjetta, ju1cyxcouture, wherethefishlives, redhairedcelt, lucywrites, desert_eagle_ae, mayanao, aaronmcnees, california_gal, blue__summer, ricebunny, kevjumba (he has a Xanga site. Go there and spam it!),

also, special shout outs to Fairywife and Shavanna!

(if you didn't get user tags, it's because it was taking forever to do them and I just 'ah, fuck it.')

Xanga Likes: When people send me funny pictures, funny comments, Xanga

Xanga Dislikes: When someone gets picked on by everyone.

Official Xanga Achievements: I was in the first round to get Xanga True, and I also was good friends with the girl who thought of the idea. I was the first Xangan to ruin porn using cats. I was also the first person to reach 100,000 credits without buying any of them.

Unofficial Xanga Achievements: I'm responsible for a number of Xanga romances.

Recommending Habit: I like to recommend blogs that are really funny, but I like to do it before anyone else does. Lately, there have been very few funny blogs, so now I'm resorting to recommending whatever I feel needs the extra 10 comments.

Commenting Habit:  I comment on just whatever I feel like. Sometimes, I'll pick a random blog of mine from the week (usually the one with the most comments) and visit and comment all the sites on that list. Unless their posts are unbearably boring or incredibly long.

Timestamping: I only do it when there's an update worth noting. Other people do it so they can be TOP BLOGGRZ LIKE OMG.

Protected Posting: I never do this.

Xanga Themes: I started with the red+black (you know, back when there were only 6 themes), and then later went to blue moon. Blue moon stayed as my layout for 2 years, then I changed it to some ugly-ass layout just to piss people off, but later decided to make my site more bearable to read. Finally, I changed it to white, and it went through a bunch of tweaks, like the banner, the sushi platter (which is now deceased), the zerg, and more recently, a girl holding a gun.

Xanga Pulse: I do Xanga pulses just to stick it to Biz Stone.

Xanga Plugz: 99% of these are horrid

Xanga Hopes: That Xanga can overcome it's image as a haven for teen girls to whine about their upper-middle-class lives, recruit over 9,000 bloggers, recover the 1,000,000 dollars stolen by the motherfuckin' FCC; PROFIT! I also hope Urtoasted and VaultESL come back.

Last Words: Things are always changing, which is the only constant we can rely on. Xanga is always changing, as well. At times, it's just easier to set one's self against change, because to gravitate towards the path of least resistance is a law of nature that translates into real human emotion. There is always a fear of the unknown, the murky untested waters of chance, but as the inevitable march of the future approaches, one can only live in denial of...

...

...I mean... Does anyone want that last donut? Because if not, I'm going to take it.

Recently, I did a pulse that read: "Complete this sentence: 'fuck...'" and it got so many responses that I was like "What?"

Yeah. That's the actual sort of uninspiring anti-eloquence that occurs in my thoughts during moments of bewilderment. Anyhow, I realized something. Most of the people who reading this are angry deep down inside. Life is crushing their souls like a juicy lemon.

So, yesterday, I asked everyone to say what they hated. What I found out was astounding. Behold:

"I hate...

"Every moment I spend not eating cake" - BentMyWookiee

"Completing sentences" - Josiebunny

"Gnome mages" - Blanket_attack

"..." - Mr_faust

"The Cubs" - Another_rebel_without_a_cause

and the one that amused shocked me the most:

"... Carneys!  Circus folk... you know, really small hands.  Smell like cabbage."  - jmacdonald19

Other popular answers included: Ignorance, hate itself, the Devil, onions, people in general, and zergling rushes.

And to them, I say: You hate ignorance? This is the internet, guys; an electronic reflection of society, and haven to horrible ideas, such as Lolcats.

And you hate hate? Most self-defeating statement ever. That's roughly the equivalent of the fire department trying to stop a house from burning down by shooting flamethrowers at the fire.

I haven't lost faith in you all yet, though.

Okay, now I have.

So, anyhow, I also did a post about how aliens are controlling everything. I had to mention that they were from space, otherwise, SOMEONE (I'm not naming names, but you know who you are) would've said "You mean foreigners?" followed by some quip about how they hold our economy by the throat. I digress... and you know how much I hate digressing.

Basically, it's not true. Unfortunately, this means MadisonLinh will not pose in a bikini made of aluminum foil + aluminum helmet.

- or -

The aliens just realized I found them out and are using mind control to make me say that it's not true. Oh, you damn sneaky alien fuckers.

As their telepathy beam commands me to say, put your mind at ease, as there are no aliens. I was just making a sarcastic statement about the circular reason behind religion, mainly where they think that everyone who doesn't believe what they do has been brainwashed. Which could be true. Who knows? We live in a media culture, and are overloaded with an ever-mounting pile of information. Which is killing our morals. And burning our crops.

Therefore, today's discussion question should be...

Which is better? Pirates or Ninjas?

"I hate..."

I'm sorry, but I have to do this post. Most of you will be shocked and appalled. That's fine. But there are just some things that need to be said, even if a majority of people are afraid to say these things.

Therefore, here is the disclaimer:

Attention shoppers: This Wednesday only, there will be amazing discounts on bread. Fuck yeah, bread. There will never be another discount on bread. Ever. Anywhere. Also, this blog entry you are reading contains high levels of radioactive controversy, which will cause you to cringe. Some of your beliefs will be challenged, and challenging beliefs is not the American way. However, I am an American, but also, apparently, a communismist. But I am also a communist with good taste. I love apple pie, and eat it like six times a day.

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Nao, for the moment you've been waiting for.

Scroll down, that is, if you've got the ovaries for it.

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Everything is being controlled by aliens. From space.

Oh yeah, if you know me, you probably thought I was kidding, and was gonna say something ridiculous, like "I believe in putting ketchup on pancakes." Also, that's kind of disgusting, so shame on you for thinking that.

But anyhow, aliens control everything, and basically, all your religious beliefs were invented by the aliens to help them control you. Of course, you will deny this. That's what the aliens want. You can't break free from their mind control; it's impossible.

Also, on top of that, they've sent subliminal messages to everyone's minds, so that when someone discovers the aliens, everyone else will think they are crazy. Therefore, because of this, you will read this and go "Haha, that's funny... but it's not real. Aliens can't control our minds. We have free will."

BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO SAY.

DUN DUN DUN!

Well, I'm gonna go eat some pizza bagels now.

I propose will get rid of time-stamping.

To vote on the idea, click here. <~~~ NOT PORN

If you want it gone, just go there, and click "vote for this idea", because there's no "no" button for some weird reason.

Please recommend this post.

For those unfamiliar with this concept, it's basically like the plague, only it spreads faster and is possibly more deadly. Here's how it works: You click on 'edit' at the bottom of an existing post. Then, you go down to the bottom of the editor, and edit the time-stamp by clicking on the "update to current time" link. When you click 'save' or whatever the button says, your post will show up in everyone's inbox and subscription browsers as a new post. However, the comments and views do not refresh.

Not a bad idea if a few people do it occasionally, but now, it's gotten bad. And here's why: imagine you want to get people to read your blog. Say you're passionate about typewriters. You love typewriters so much. Then, you do a post about typewriters, and it only gets 1 comment. Bummer, right? Well, there's a reason for it only getting one comment. All of your 150+ friends and 96 subscribers received the post, but most of them didn't see it, because it was posted at 2ish, and most of them take a late lunch. Normally, they'd just read it later, right? Wrong. A bunch of other users spammed their old posts over and over, and so your post will not be in their universal inbox. Furthermore, when they read their subscription browsers, they'll see the spammers' old posts and think nothing new was posted.

Therefore, you have two options:

- Do nothing and accept the fact that you'll be pushed out of sight.

- Also spam your posts.

So, this has lead to a growing snowball of updated posts, and it's pissing me off. On the one hand, I don't want to spam my posts. I really don't. I've done it, and I felt dirty and like a whore. On the other hand, I work hard on my blog, and I'm most of you also work hard on your blogs, and want those hard-worked blogs to be read and loved.

Here are a few things you can do to stop this from happening:

- Don't spam your old posts.

- DON'T SPAM YOUR FUCKING POSTS.

- If you see the same post show up as new twice, then don't fret... but if you see them doing it frequently, like more than twice a day, go to your "blocked user" settings and block them. They don't have to stay banished from your kingdom forever, but it will cause them to freak out a little if enough people do it.

- Message people who spam posts and say "Please, for the love of God, don't spam." and if they go "Why, whatever do you mean? I didn't spam." then block them. Forever. Or for a few days.

- Vote to stop 'update to current time' from being a legal operation.

- Brush your teeth seven times a day, twice after meals.

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Note: I'm not proposing to get rid of future posting, which obviously, will be abused after the 'update to current time' is disabled. I'm not proposing to cure cancer. This just a very necessary first step.

So,

Would you consider blocking people who abuse the time-stamping feature?

Dearest Readers,

Yo. What up.

I'd like to do a special short entry to say thank you to you all. No, I'm not leaving and going to Switzerland. Switzerland doesn't exist. Think about it... have you ever met anyone from Switzerland?

Thanks to everyone who subscribed to my site. I hope you enjoy reading my posts as much as I enjoy making them. When someone says "This was so funny, and it totally made my day", that's so great and is such a gooey awesome feeling.

Also, I appreciate everyone who likes my posts, and click the little recommend heart. This lets me know that I have created something that you are proud to pass onto your friends, and sometimes, this excites me so much that pee a little.

Well, a lot, actually, but it's alright. I have plenty of spare pants.

I'd like to thank my friends for being so supportive and caring. You really make this fun and I love you guys.

Everyone, you all just have a great weekend, and have lots of sex! =)

Lately, there's been some controversy on Xanga, or as I like to call it "business as usual". Someone is always complaining about something somewhere, and I think those people should take up a hobby, such as rollerblading, or designing clothes for farm animals.

Anyhow, if you haven't jumped on the I-hate-mass-messages bandwagon, then I highly recommend it. It's the only bandwagon that offers free pizza during break hours. The I-hate-twilight bandwagon promised donuts, but during the meetings, passed out little bags of pretzels. I stood up indignantly. "What the hell. Seriously, what. The. Hell." I said, and walked out. Metaphorically.

Anyhow, whereas most people refuse to grow balls, and start all their mass messages with "I know you all utterly despise these, and I humbly beg for your forgiveness...", sites that specialize in designing html layouts will send out dozens per day without shame.

The other day, I received one that went something like this:

click to enlarge, that is, if you want to risk insanity.

From what I gathered through a series of mass messages, Lauren's started a site to make layouts for glamorous socialites who go to clubs and chilll (yes, with three l's.) and then Chelsea, (who is a whore) started making layouts exactly like theirs. This, of course, was a travesty and a slap in the face to artists everywhere. Look at one of the sites Lauren designed:

Hours of artistic talent, plagiarized.

Of course, the hundreds, perhaps thousands of girls subbed to Chelsea thought they were getting original designs. Alas! It was not so! The only solution, of course, is for everyone to unsubscribe to Chelsea, because OBVIOUSLY, everyone in the world knows who she is.

But why would Chelsea do such a thing?

Look:

dun dun dun!

NEVER MESS WITH LAUREN, MAN.

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Note to lays: This post is not making fun of you. Note that "not" is underlined. Some of you make very awesome and artistic layouts. Nothing in this post actually happened... or did it? Well, legally, it didn't, and all similiarities to actual layout site girls, whether living or dead, or zombies, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Furthermore, I thought you might find this post funny, but in case you decided to take it as a personal insult, then my most pressing legal advice is to chilll. I respect you as people; I just find the drama silly and think we need to surround ourselves with positive energies.

Xanga Drama: Entertaining or huge turn-off?

Thoughts?

I am now going to blog about the scariest dream I've ever had. Ever. Alright, get ready. Some of your lifes with be changed after reading this, because this dream was SO MESSED UP.

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I just blogged about my scariest nightmare to entAr The Uninvited Scariest Nightmare Contest for 1,000 credits. You can earn free credits too! Brought to you by The Uninvited - In Theaters January 30th.

On a scale from 1 - 10, with 1 being "That freaked me out" and 10 being "Oh my goodness, I just crapped myself", how scary was this dream? (That is, if you could even read it)

I'm going to write this whole post in hot pink, because then I will finally be accepted by the cool kids. Those damn cool kids...

Anyhow, the weather here has been really weird. First, it's bitter cold, then it was 50 degrees, then it was cold again, and today, the clouds opened up, and a massive ghostly lion said "Simba, remember who you are." and I was like "Wow, what the hell."

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Anyhow, I was eating oatmeal the other day and watching the Tyra Banks Show (You know, because she inspires me so) and these girls were asked to write down all these things they didn't like about themselves, and they came up with like over 9,000 things. Then, Tyra asked them to write some stuff down that they liked about themselves. And they came up with like 3, I think.

So, I wanted to try this out.

5 Things I hate about me:

1. Acne; tons and tons of acne
2. Odd speech impediment that causes me to say words in the wrong order or stutter
3. I've watched Tyra Banks' show
4. I feel paranoid half the time
5. I get sick a lot.

5 Things I like about me:

1. I'm loyal to my friends
2. I eat vegetables occasionally
3. I have the intellect of Isaac Newton or some shit
4. On certain rare occasions, I'm funny
5. Ain't nobody dope as me, I'm just so fresh and clean.

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Alright, enough of the pink font. Don't worry, it's not going to be a regular thing, unless you REALLY enjoyed it, or the irony of it, or a combination of both of those.

My dislikes list took me like 5 seconds to write, and my likes list took me like 15 minutes, and half the answers are sarcastic.

Post your own 5 Things list and see how long it takes you to fill out each one.

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Why do you think it's so much easier to find things wrong with ourselves?

First, I'd like to congratulate all the people who turned 100 years today. You've gone 50 years without sex, and that takes dedication.

Anyhow, I usually don't post on Saturdays, because everyone with "lives" feel the need to go do "stuff" and not read my awesome, awesome blog which is awesome. This week, however, I posted a disappointingly low 1 blog(s). There's a reason for this, too.

Zombies, man. Zombies.

Also, it's hard to be witty ALL the time. Some people have suggested I just write what's in my heart. I've thought about doing that, but my heart is filled with blood, so it'd be a post about blood. There are two problems with writing a blood post:

- "Blood" is science. People hate science.

- I'd lose my Crip subscribers.

It'd be cool if I had an interesting life, where I get a knock on my office door, and then a cop comes in and says "Do you know why I'm here, ma'am?" and I go "lulz no"

"I have to write you a citation. The bus driver is complaining that every time you get on the bus, you moon him."

"I'm sorry, but he's lying. He is a liar. All of his words are venom."

But alas, this can never take place, because my bus driver doesn't seem to care. They really don't pay him enough. They need to pay him some moar.

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Before I post and someone comments, saying "You should just write for you." let me explain something. This isn't my diary. Your blog doesn't have to be "Dear Diary, I talked to Jason today about getting the car fixed, but he said it'd be at least 1700 dollars..." and shit. Back in *the* day, 20 million uninspiring teen bloggers decided to join Xanga, but realized they weren't creative at all, so they just wrote about things that no one would ever want to read.

So, what's a blog? It's a weblog. A log of stuff you post on the web. This can be anything. Anything. Some people choose to make their blogs like diaries, while others make them like magazines, publishing articles for their subscribers to enjoy, which is what I do. I like doing this. It's fun. It enriches my otherwise dull life. Of course some people are going to think that sounds stupid, blogging for fun. On the other hand, I think golf is horrible, but lots of people find it enjoyable for some reason.

The point is, it's all how you look at things. Different people enjoy different things, and I think everyone who considers themselves a talented writer should start an article blog with a catchy name.

So,

If you could write for a large audience, what would you write about?