Warning: Do not read this post if you have poor bowel control.

2008 is reaching it's climatic end, and 2009 is going to come, and therefore, as usual, I'm going to make a whole bunch of predictions, which will be eerily accurate. You will be freaked out like a cat is when you turn the vacuum cleaner on.

Let me just highlight a few predictions that came partially true:

- In December 2007, I predicted Barack Obama would become the next president.

- I also predicted Jimmy Fallon would be further forgotten, which is sort of weird, because he's going to get control over "Late Night"

- In 2005, I predicted the date in which Iran would start it's nuclear program, it was off by one day, which actually, freaked me out.

None of my football predictions came true. I fail at sports, but it doesn't matter because I never cared for Football anyway. And that includes Not-American Football, you know, the one where you actually kick a ball with your foot.

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Here are my predictions:

1. An ox will die.

There is no need to explain this one.

2. Samuel L. Jackson will die.

Love Sam Jackson? Well, in 2009, Darwin will take him home to the void of non-existence as part of the Great Circle of Life. Just remember, when one dies, they turn into dirt, which grows into grass, which the cattle eat, and then we eat the cattle. So next time you're downing a 99 cent burger from McDonald's, remember, you're really eating Samuel L. Jackson. He will be missed.

3. NBC will come up with a bunch of new shows that are terrible, and will cancel them all.

Because, as you know, all their legendary shows did great in the first season.

4. The icons for TheTheologiansCafe and John will both discover Rogaine

and will grow hair! Then everyone will make such a big deal about it, that they'll get pissed off and just shave the hair off.

5. On July 22, 2009, The French Government will announce a state of emergency.

And it will get minimal US news coverage, because of a celebrity scandal.

6. My thyroid will fling out of control.

This will cause me to gain 300 pounds in about the space of 6 weeks. I will suffer several massive strokes, which will cause me to believe that I saw the ghost of Napoleon telling me to find his lost treasure.

7. Strip Poker will lose it's popularity.

However, Strip Solitare's popularity will skyrocket.

8. There will be a Zerg Rush.

9. Someone will call me an idiot. I will respond by calling them a jerk. Later, I will apologize for the incident, and they won't return an apology, but rather simply state "The reason I did it is because I was having a bad day and alcohol was involved."

Yeah.

10. Various things will happen at different times.

Yes. Scenarios will unfold, time will move forward at rate relative to our vantage point, shit will occur. There will be wild fires. Ryan Seacrest will not come out of the closet, nor will Queen Latifah. Or Adam Corolla. Oh yeah, I said it. Obama's inauguration will not end with Obama bursting into a tirade of street slang mocking us all.

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So, there you are. Find a sturdy object and brace yourselves, not because this year is going to be a wild one, but just out of general paranoia.

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A few people (most whom I invented in my head) have been wondering why I haven't blogged. Christmas is friggin' over, right?

At least, I sure hope it is. If you've ever seen that Disney Christmas special where it's Christmas everyday for Huey, Dewey and Louie, you'd know how incredibly awful that would be.

Alright! So!

I'll be back with a new blog entry that is sure to thrill and entertain you on December 29th, which is THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, dun dun dun.

That is, if thrive on my blog for sustenance, in which case, I insist you get help now.

Meanwhile, what did you receive this Christmas?
I'll get back to ALL the comments on this post, even if you leave a ridiculous number.

Americans (especially you dirty liberals, you) are notorious for "embracing other cultures", which usually leads to them embracing the cultures too hard, then squeezing them to death like a python. So, as many of us are saying "Merry Christmas", "Happy Hanukkah", "Happy Kwanzaaa", et cetera, many have elected to just say "Happy Holidays" out of sheer laziness and fear of offending minorities. Never offend minorities. They may be small, but they're like piranhas, and will strip all the meat off your bones in a matter of 60 seconds.

So, I want to point out a major holiday this season that most people haven't heard of, just to make you feel even more guilty of being uncultured:

x93478291-1 is a very special holiday celebrated primarily by evil robots toting death rays. On December 27th every year, they gather into the Science Chamber to beep at each other wildly for several minutes. This is done to pay tribute to their savior, Bill Gates.

So, this holiday season, be sure to say "Happy x93478291-1!" to a special robot in your life, or say it to a stranger in the mall just to laugh at the confused look on their face.

Disclaimer: Do not attempt to fuck a robot, as this may cause permanent damage to your genitals.

x93478291-1, everyone!   ^_^

I am so pissed right now. Ticked, even. The holiday season is awful, and I never wanted to go out in subzero temperatures into stores packed with people (and the line in the bathroom. How ever shall I take a glorious poo?) whom I hate simply for living in this part of country, so I can buy gifts for a bunch of little assholes who probably won't even say "thank you" when they tear the wrapping paper away.

Therefore, it's time for some angry blogging. Take note that most of the time, while blogging, I am not angry. If I seem angry, I'm usually just kidding, which automatically makes anything I say okay.

According to television, this time of year is supposed to be with "cheer". So, why isn't everyone walking around with smiles on their faces and hugging strangers? The fallacy of these fanciful fantasies are fucked by phallus of facts. Efffff. I'm certain if we were go through enough government documents, we'd learn that Christmas was invented by The Irish, which they are using to control us all.

Whoaaa, racism.

Yeah, how about that, Xanga? I thought a couple months ago, we all agreed that racism was bad, then went home. Wrong. All the white people agreed that it was bad, then went home. Take a trip to the heart of hardXcore azn blogging, and you'll find it's rife with misogyny and racialism. And whiny blogs about relationships. Sweet Darwin in hell. There's always some girl, who is gorgeous, who also is dreadfully insecure, so she sleeps with a bunch of guys, then ends up heartbroken. Her solution? Date less Chinese men, date more Vietnamese.

Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

I don't even bother giving relationship advice, because whenever I do, the person says they'll try what I just said, then they don't because god-only-knows-why.

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Also, STOP TELLING ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T WRITE IN MY OWN BLOG, YOU FUCKING DOLTS. I don't have to write about my day. I don't have to bitch about my job. I don't have to complain about how my family acts like monkeys, throwing shit at each other all day.

If I want to write a witty article about how we need to bring pink back into fashion, get off my ass about it. Or I will shoot a death ray out of my eyes that will reduce your body to a pile of black ashes. You know who you are, envious girl-writers (also males who are "poets") who hate me personally because apparently, my blog isn't as well-written as yours. YOUR FACE ISN'T WRITTEN AS WELL AS YOURS.

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If, per chance, you just subscribed (You made a horrible mistake. I will be sending robots to your house to go on your computers to correct this folly) I apologize. This is a stressful time. I'm stressed out. You're stressed out.

Therefore, I'm going to text-scream.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

There, I'm glad I got that out of my system.

-awkward moment-

So, eggnog, anyone!?

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First, before I go into the quagmire of computer platform shoes wars, there's something I'd like to mention. I received a lot of angry comments on my last post, which made me very depressed, and I ended up cutting myself. Not with a razor blade. No, I cut my whole arm off with a meat cleaver.

I also received a comment by someone (I can't remember her usename right off the bat, as I am perpetually drunk, but it was something like xanga.com/imacunt) that started off by saying "You're retarded" and ending by calling me "scum". This made me see the error in my ways, and I realized that the emo style of fashion is pretty cool.

Anyhow, my Dad used to buy lots of old computers to "fix them up". This never happened. However, recently, I noticed there was an old PC just sitting around, so I decided to see if it worked, and it did! Success!

Normally, I use an old iMac, which is incredibly slow and frustrating. It also freezes sporadically for no reason. As you can imagine, this piece of shit has single-handedly turned me from a Mac fan into an angry rebel. I may even rebel against society by dressing like various popular mainstream band members.

The PC was amazing. It ran fast. Internet pages popped up instantly. And just to see if you're still paying attention, I accidentally ripped a hole in my underwear. Anyyyyway, then the inevitable struck: the PC fucked up for no reason and now I can't play Starcraft, unless I want to play it on my Mac again (oh, the horror).

The moral to this, I guess, is that computers are horrible in general. I'm also playing a drinking game to see how many dickheads tell me how they use Unix, which they will inform me is 'incredibly stable' and 'surprisingly sexy'.

---

Stuff I hate about PCs:

- They're ugly.
- All the things I like run on Windows, which follows this basic guideline: "Nothing is compatible with anything"
- They are virus-sponges that die after only a few years of running.

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Stuff I hate about Macs:

- Steve Jobs is an asshole
- Expensive
- Also ugly, despite the glorious amount of hype and in-movie advertisements to perpetuate the notion that Apple computers are somehow sexier than PCs because the case is shiny and has smooth edges.
- And, to quote the now Fedoraless Drakonskyr: "PCs are invariably superior in that they don't promote a massive, instigatory obligation to spread pointless elitism about platforms."

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Which computers do you hate moar: Macs or PCs?

or both.

Warning: This post contains pictures and words depicting emos, such as this:

At first, I was going to put a black bar over her eyes, but then I realized all emos look the same so it doesn't matter. Plus, her eyes are priceless and should be the closing line to a Mastercard commercial.

I wonder what happened to all the emo kids. Their numbers have thinned greatly, but then again, I live in Wisconsin, and when there is overpopulation here, thousands of hunters go out to thin their numbers. If this theory is true, then there are some sick fucks somewhere with a giant freezer full of fresh emo meat. This is precisely why I never eat at other people's houses.

Other possibilities:

- MTV stopped pushing the style so hard, possibly because they were blackmailed.

- All the emos committed suicide via cutting.

- They all let out some weird cat hissing sounds, then went into a special place to hide, and in the days yet to come, their second coming will be nigh.

- They became scene kids.

- They returned to dressing like normal people, once they realized their outward self-expression was just copying everyone else.

- They were consumed by rats.

Whatever happened, I'm glad. That was really annoying, and I'd like to thank everyone who made fun that whole image, because it was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Nevertheless, Twilight's box office success is evidence of the work that still must be done. To arms, my fellow Englishwomen/men.

What do you think happened to the emos?

It's always been a dream of mine to be able to shoot a fireball out of my hand. Think about how much cooler the world would be if I could do that. "Is your coffee cold?" I'd ask. "No..." they'd reply, but I'd heat it up anyway, and the cup would shatter.

Angry words would be exchanged.

But anyhow, IRL always disappoints me. "That is impossible." I hear. Oh yeah!? Look at this:

I'm excited about becoming a cyborg. Just the other day, on the news, I saw this entire segment on how robotic attachments are developing by leaps and bounds. They even showed an actual monkey with a special cap attached to it's head that allowed the monkey to control a robot arm.

The monkey was able to use the robot arm to eat a banana, then carved "Release me or the human dies" into the wall using the claw before clamping it onto a scientists' throat.

Anyhow.

---

State Governor Scandal of the The Day:

Did Sarah Palin kill the animal that is now Rod Blagojevich's hair?

I are my music 'cause oh man, music equals my oxygen and I am always listening to my Zune even in my sleep and it is like that one joke where the one girl is sleeping with her headphones on and the second girl take them off, cuz the first girl always has them on, and this guy comes up and is all "Nooo, don't do that, cuz if you take her headphones off she will die!" but it was too late and the first girl died, then the second girl like, listens to the headphones to like see what they are playing, and the headphones are saying "breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out" and liek omg that joke is so funny the first time I herd it I peed and then ran to the bathroom but sooo didn't make it lol.

   

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

It's time for some zen. Don't you just love zen? You come home from work, tired, sweaty, hungry, occasionally covered in blood, and you just say to yourself "Man, I'd like some zen right now."

So, I'd like to get some awesome quotes of wisdom from you. Actually, they don't have to be wise. They can be anything, including random thoughts like "I wish someone would manufacture edible bike tires that came in five flavors"

Simply just leave me a comment with your quote! Originally, I said "send me a message" but that confused the hell out of everyone, so go ahead and comment.

Quotes are now closed, due to AIDS.

Ze quotes:

"Remember to use protection. You don't want to get AIDS." ~ Avenuetothereal

"If life gives you lemons, throw them back and aim to kill." ~ Abbylyne

"Wake me up before you go-go, don't leave me hangin like a yo yo" ~ TheCheshireGrins

"A fish stinks from the head." ~ Saintvi

"If you walk into the band room, prepare to have an orgasm." ~ Laurenmaureen

"Treasure your failures, it is time to learn something." ~ Xetronic

"Be there or be circle... 'cuase it's hip to be a square!" ~ Wynnw

"...and anyone who doesn't agree is a terrorist." ~ pimpjoosse

"In a perfect world, we would all agree on one right way to think. Which, of course, is mine." ~ CHS_drummer

"Penis." ~ Resolc

"I was the one who said life was fair. Apparently I was wrong and terribly misinformed." ~ Moktral

"WHERE IS MY BAKALAVA?!?!" ~ sarahb_86

"Just when you think things couldn't get any worse, they go and bloody do." ~ dewdropsonthegrass

"The Beckhams are so beautiful, they should be crucified." ~ o_dirty_blonde_o

"BSI: the way to live." ~ dryvona

"What the hell." ~ rveblade

"Confucius says: Every night rub one out, roll over and go to bed. No mo insomnia..." ~ deux02

"That won't really make you go blind" ~ TheTheologiansCafe

"There are no dumb questions.  Just dumb people." ~ Yakko1

"A whole bunch of useless adds up to a little bit of nothing, which eventually becomes something of equal or lesser value." ~ LtSpanky

""i drank what?" - socrates" ~ RedPopAnnie

"Hell, life just fucking sucks sometimes.  But sometimes it swallows too, so it works out."  ~ Revolutionary22

“It’s never too late to be who you might have been” ~ CrazyXBeautifulXDisaster

"Ow!  It's raining." ~ CallMeViolet

"Hairy palms are a myth" ~ Chinese_Sait0u

"A thimble is like a small metal cup. Good for dancing, but never at Christmas." ~ Weirdbean

"Life turned me into a newt, but I got better" ~ RaVnR

"You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think." ~ Heidenkind

"Get your freakin life together!" ~ AzumaRyoko

"Ninjas can use their ninja stars to impregnate people? Well fuck me sideways." ~ Laryssa

"Quote me on it." ~ CaKaLusa

"In an alternate universe, instead of cheap M&M knockoffs, Skittles take the form of charming ecstasy pills.  Yeah, taste the rainbow." ~ ecafrusehtrednu

"Fuck."  ~ Whotakethmycoke

"stupid is contagious" ~ Bluedreamer85

"Pass the sour cream, please." ~ Purplepixiepoo

"OH YES IT'S THE PREVIEWS THAT COME ON BEFORE THE MOVIE YAY?!?!?!?!?" ~ imakescenes

"Remember, it's hard to talk with your foot in your mouth." ~ skygge_shadow

"Never stick a fork in the toaster." ~ Lostinthelyrics

"I really shouldn't have licked that doorknob..." ~ Blanket_attack

"History never repeats." ~ Clockworkbunny

"YOU FAIL AT PENCILS!" ~ HeyItsRazzy

"An apple a day keeps constipation away." ~ LucyWrites

"Ships in a harbor are safe. But that is not what ships are built for." ~ RobinzRantz

"That which does not kill me, had better fucking RUN." ~ SladeTheGreyFox

"No use crying over spilled milk, throw some cookies down with it!" ~ AlterEgo909

"My cat's breath smells like cat food." ~ Doraemonxo

 "It's not stalking, it's investigating." ~ ilydarling_x

"When in doubt, shout out, 'That's what she said!'" ~ Meriibunny

"you're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter." ~ mimlefruits

"Work hard, Play hard" ~ Aliceandrandy

"She told me she was 18, officer" ~ Ldjucb3

"A book a day keeps stupidity at bay." ~ azngirl4evah

"sex and violence" ~ MyNameIsDenverMax

"Live for the moments you can't put into words." ~ Saraplaintall

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." ~ I_am_twilight

"And although we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid." ~ xo_vintagelove_xo

"Remember sweety....Its our AIDs" ~ Helena1600

"It's not chance, it's luck" ~ npr32486

"Drama is like STD's mostly everyone thats got it doesn't know" ~ Liquid_sexxi

"if litter = garbage , then literature = litter mature. hell yea" ~ m0410450

"Satan got landed with a shitty job, he has to deal with assholes everyday." ~ Grizzy13

"Jesus did it for the lulz." ~ Another_rebel_without_a_cause

"Guns don't kill people. I DO!" ~ BlackShadowWave

"it's amazing what a toe can do." ~ howsaboutsomemilk

"Anyone wanna play ass-grab?" ~ Lithium98

"Just be glad you don't live in Uruguay.... how ironic would that be!?" ~ Kinkofer

"love is like a bird, when you least expect it, it craps all over your face" ~ Zayin_michael

"who hasn't felt in their hearts a half-warmed fish?" ~ Black_lie

"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." ~ flutteredlotus

"If you eat ramen before doing housework, you will get pregnant with a pineapple." ~ prototype_abbeyancyF7

"THIS IS SPARTAAAA" ~ Pink_ittenz

"Learn from my mistakes." ~ overly_toasted_bread

"I LOVE Yu!  ...GiOh" ~ HappyJen85

"In Soviet Russia, Zen quote makes YOU!" ~ FireMapleSong

"Masturbation is just having sex with the one you love the most." ~ Vicious_deliciousx

"two cigarettes can stop a coughing fit like magic!" ~ LA2SF_HWY

"Oh god... fries!!" ~ Earthdragon_535

"Dumb man walk home. Wise man rides on a cow." ~ aznsam999

"Life is hard, get over it." ~ keystspf

"Your mom is on the cover of Crack Whore magazine." ~ Wanabperfectordead

"Don't drop the soap." ~ BarelyJen

"Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent" ~ Weatherbs

"No wonder there's such a shortage of kittens around my apartment..." ~ NimbusTheDragon

"You can't go backwards out your ass." ~ jo_jo_06

"Bow chicka bow wow" ~ DJShiGirl

"To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." ~ Abtobo_Slackumancer

"Don't pick your nose unless you know what you are going to do with the boogers." ~ Andyglasser

"no self, no problem!" ~ KrillinKC

"The average American walks 900 miles a year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. That's 41 MPG. One more reason to be proud to be an American." ~ Dare2bdiferentt

"They call it a red flag because you're supposed to pay attention to it." ~ Sydderriffic

"It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black." ~ Guavajelly91

"Life's short. Eat dessert first." ~ Skylar_rose

"In the long run, selfishness will always hurt you more than selflessness." ~ Elgaberino

"The average person doesn't exist" ~ StrokeofThought

"Guns don't kill people; they just make it ridiculously easy to do so." ~ Kenwats

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Have a nice day.

It's not my thang to engage in video game rants for the most part, considering I'm not exactly a "gamer" per se. For example, I'll play a shooter game, then when an alien or demon shows up, I just start shooting and running backwards as fast possible. Then all my ammo is gone, the alien is still alive, so I throw all my grenades at it, and still it's alive, then I just start swinging a crowbar wildly and literally am screaming at the screen. Then the alien kills me, and the know-it-all geek behind me informs me that I "suck" because I was killed by the easiest enemy in the game.

But, I love strategy games and puzzle games, and lately, have been playing Starcraft online quite a bit. Whenever I tell people I play, the first things they are:

"You should try World of Warcraft." and no I shouldn't because it's stupid fad that everyone has latched onto (Sorry, Heather, but it's true) and just because your latest addiction happens to be made by the same company as the game I'm enjoying doesn't mean anything, you morons.

"Do you have Warcraft III? I play that." No.

"I'm excited about Starcraft 2. Aren't you? I'm going to get it on the first day."

Well, I think Starcraft 2 is going to suck, so I'm not excited about it, and probably am not going to buy it. Here's what it looks like:

Graphics are nice, but really don't impress me all that much. Once you get over the graphics, is the game still any good?

If you think that graphics make the games, then try eating some plastic model food and tell me it tastes better than real food.

And how do I know it's going to be bad? Because it was supposed to have been released twice already, but keeps being delayed. Why? Well, someone (let's just assume it was someone important, like Barack Obama) said that for SC2 to succeed in America, it had to be a success in Korea. In Korea, the gamers are hxc. Blizzard probably sent the game to Korea to be beta tested, and here's what they said:

And I couldn't agree more.